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Lori Byerly

We get a lot of E-mail from couples who are struggling because the wife either can’t orgasm, or has great difficulty in doing so. Here are some suggestions for dealing with this.

Give yourself permission to be sexual

elusiveSome cultures, churches and families have given women the idea that being sexual is somehow dirty, or at least not very ladylike (making it very difficult to enjoy sex or orgasm). A study of the Word reveals, however, that God designed human sexuality, and called it “very good.” Taking the time to understand that, and to change attitudes toward our sexuality, can make it easier to explore our sexuality.

Helpful resources –

Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow & Lorraine Pintus
Passion Pursuit by Linda Dillow and Dr. Juli Slattery
The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex – Sheila Gregoire

Come clean about sexual sin

Many folk have had previous sexual relationships. Take the time to repent before God of any past sexual sin. Break the sexual/emotional/spiritual bonds between you and others in the name of Jesus. Then receive His forgiveness and commit anew to your marriage partner.

You might also have guilt over masturbation or sexual fantasies. While we do not personally believe that masturbation is inherently wrong, if you feel it is wrong, or you have guilt associated with wrong sexual fantasies, seek the Lord for help and forgiveness.

Build intimacy and trust

Invest time and energy in all areas of your marriage so that being sexual will be easier. Spend time together. Pray, talk, and play together. Emotional openness and intimacy will make a growing sexual relationship possible.

Helpful resources –

Staying Close by Dennis Rainey
The Language of Love by Smalley and Trent
The Generous Wife
The Generous Husband

Believe in his love

You need to know and believe that your husband loves you and wants to pleasure you sexually. Trust that he is not bored or upset, and give yourself to him. Don’t worry about “how long it’s taking” or about what he is thinking. He loves you, and wants you to enjoy.

Mental foreplay may be more important than physical foreplay. Physical stimulation will get you aroused enough to have intercourse, but if your mind and emotions are not “turned on,” you may be unable to climax. Romance and words of love are vital for a woman to be able to reach climax.

Relax in his presence

Tension and stress, physical or emotional, will interfere with your ability to have an orgasm. A hot bath or shower can help a lot, and a good back rub from your husband is great both for relaxing, and as the beginning of arousal. (Have your hubby read about massage.)

Get to know your body and what is pleasurable

Orgasm itself is a reflex action. You can’t choose to orgasm, instead you must play and explore to find the conditions that will cause your body to react in orgasm. This takes time and patience.

One of the easier ways for women to learn to orgasm is to use their hand or a vibrator and experiment to see what is pleasurable (the husband can easily help with this). Vibrators are not “habit forming,” and they don’t “spoil you for real sex.” You can get a good general purpose vibrator at Wal*Mart or other retailers for well under $20.00. Think of a vibrator as training wheels. It makes learning how to orgasm a lot faster, easier, and less frustrating.

Redefine your goals

Trying to orgasm at the same time as hubby in missionary position under silk sheets like in the movies may not be a good first goal. If you have never had an orgasm, then your first goal would be to have an orgasm by any means, the easier the better. Once you know what an orgasm feels like, then you can work toward being able to reliably orgasm whenever you want to, even if this requires you to masturbate (while hubby is with you) or have your husband use a vibrator. Learn to make orgasm a normal outcome of sex, even if how it happens is not the way you ultimately want it to. Then move towards the way you want it to be, but don’t worry about falling back on the reliable method when needed. Progress may be a three steps forward, two steps back type of thing, so don’t let individual “set backs” get you down.

Helpful resources –

A Celebration of Sex by Dr. Douglas E. Rosenau
Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman


This may seem silly, but a major problem is shallow breathing, or periodically holding your breath. It’s very helpful to breathe deeply and even loudly during sex. No, he won’t be offended by this, he will actually like it!

Be involved

It’s possible to have an orgasm if you just “lie there,” but it’s not very likely. Strong sexual arousal causes heavy breathing, movements of the legs and hips, and often soft moaning or other noises. Stifling sounds or movements will interfere with arousal and orgasm. You have to surrender you body to what’s happening and go with it, rather than fighting it.


Your husband can only know what you enjoy, or what you would like, if you tell him. Give specifics like “a bit faster,” “slower please,” “a little higher,” or “more pressure.” What you want will change as you become more aroused, so you will have to keep informing him of what you feel and what you want.

Do Kegels

The healthier and more fit the PC muscles are, the easier it is to orgasm. Exercise, exercise, exercise.

Helpful resource –

Kegels article

Still having problems?

Sometimes we can unconsciously blocking feelings of arousal. This is usually because of tough emotional issues – guilt, fear, anger, childhood sexual abuse, poor self image, self hatred and relational issues in marriage to name a few. All these things can cause difficulty and need to be addressed before sexual problems can really be resolved. Grab the nearest friend or counselor and talk through these tough issues.


Image Credit: © Michal Marcol | freedigitalphotos.net







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