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How common is Sex WHEN YOU ASK?

69 women and 309 men have answered

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  • Male rates of seeking sex are a bit higher here, but not by very much. This shows how pro-sex our female respondents are!
  • About a third of men and women initiate sex 2 to 3 times a week.

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  • While 58% of men try to initiate 2 or more times a week, only 37% say they clearly ask this often.
  • 44% of women try to initiate 2 or more times a week, but only 29% ask clearly this often.

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  • Clearly asking is more successful for women than men, with 26% and 5% saying it always results in sex.
  • 69% of women and 65% of men say clearly asking results in sex at least half the time.
  • For 16% of women and 22% of men clearly asking results in sex less than 10% of the time.

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  • Men are more likely than women to second guess and not have sex after being told yes. Half of women but only a quarter of men never do this.
  • 27% of men and 17% of women turn down a yes at least half the time.

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  • In general, neither men nor women are asking for as much sex as they want, with men being further from their ideal than women.
  • Thirty percent of women and 15% of men ask for all the sex they want.
  • Ten percent of women and 4% of men never ask for sex.
  • A third of women and a quarter of men want a bit more sex than they ask for.
  • 55% of men and 26% of women want at least twice as much sex as they ask for.
  • 14% of men and 13% of women want for or more times as much sex as they ask for.

Women’s Comments:

  • Married 28 years. We did not have sex before marriage, but he was very eager to. He would have an erection when we kissed at my front door. We both had been married before, my 1st husband was not very sexual. I wanted to make sure my next husband enjoyed being intimate and enjoyed sex with a good sex drive. After we got married. My new husband was very attentive in all other ways but sex. I thought he was maybe tired at night, so I initiated in the morning ONCE, he yelled at me and, needless to say I didn’t initiate again for years. By now, I know he is asexual. I don’t know why councelors don’t realize this is a legitimate sexual orientation. My husband is a romantic asexual, he likes to hold hands and touch (not sexually) and snuggle. He just never thinks about sex. This has been a very long lonely road. I have had to learn to masturbate, of course it is not like being with a lover. It’s just survival. I’ve tried abstaining, hoping if I can ignore my sexual needs long enough maybe they will go away. It never works. I try and just hold out until I am about to come unglued over it. I wish I could be more disciplined about it. I have told my husband how hard and lonely it is, he always tells me he is so sorry. I told him, for me it’s just like needing to eat. I said “can you imagine trying to ignore hunger and just not eat and try to think about other things and be disciplined about not eating a bite of anything? How many days could you do it for? An asexual person finds it hard to understand. He tells me he is so sorry, but doesn’t change at all. It’s like I have a condition, he is sorry for me I have. You would think it would make you feel like making love to your wife that so struggles going without sex from you. It doesn’t. It’s crazy he can get an erection no problem . I am sure there are so many men that love sex and struggle with ED. It just seems so unbelievable that a man can get an erection have sex with loving wife and never think about it. Blows my mind. He said it’s just different for him, laughed a little and said he has. Even masturbating since he was about 13. How can that compare to having sex with your wife? It’s like it’s no big thing?? He doesn’t MB either. It’s like he just has no desire. I am all about being open minding in bed. I love to go down on him, I read most men really like it, he says he does? But never comes back for more, very puzzling as I am very in to it. I want him to feel good and enjoy it and want more. Nothing I do ever works like that. I am open for anything , it just doesn’t matter, it’s not about me. He is asexual, end of story. Loving committed professional. I think sometimes it would be great to find a man in my same predicament, we could fulfill that need in each other and not interrupt our married lives. I know as a Christian, I could never really do that. Tears on my cheeks.
  • I seldom try to initiate anymore, because my husband told me it makes him uncomfortable, so I put “less than once a month.” I have only been asking (and trying to schedule ahead) because we both want a child, and I try to let him know when that time hits, but the results are mixed. Since we’ve switched to IUI / fertility treatments, our frequency is down to every 5 weeks or so, and dropping. Early on (we’ve been married 3 years), I tried lingerie, kissing him, etc. to try to entice him, and that always failed. Then I tried being more direct, like asking “would you like to fool around tonight?” and the answer was 100% no; he would say he was more open to scheduling, but nothing spontaneous. Then I tried scheduling, and that had maybe a 10% success rate. The last effort was simply to conceive; I would say we need to try to have sex 3 times during this week, and he could choose the times. We’d usually only do it once or twice and only at times he chose; outside of that week, we may have sex once every three months – otherwise, our sex life for the last year has been focused only on conceiving.
  • When I am in the mood, I find ways to get him up for the challenge. 😉
  • I based my answers on how it was for me for the first 10+ years of marriage. Now for over 15 months I have stopped asking, (except one time this year I did, and was refused because a pizza arrived!) I am always refused. We have gone from sex 3-4 times a week before marriage,(yes, I know this was wrong) to after marriage-extremely infrequent sex for several years to no sex for over 15+ months(and maybe sex 2x the year before this current drought) and I am beyond depressed. I have tried everything. He does not care at all. The only thing that matters to him is work and his own interests, which for whatever reason, sex is not included any longer. I have an extremely high sex drive and desperately want that intimacy with my husband. I am fighting off sinful thoughts more and more. This situation is literally killing me.
  • I think he doesn’t like when I ask for sex. But if I initiate he will do it. I initiate most of the time.
  • My husband expects me to initiate and is angry if I don’t.
  • Yes, most of the time.
  • My husband just isn’t that interested in me. He says he is, but if that were true, he’d want sex more often, and I wouldn’t always be the one asking. I am quite sure this is because I’m not his preferred type.
  • My husband rarely initiates. The few times that I do, I feel like he is bothered or insulted. He’s not gay, I don’t know what the thing is.
  • We’ve been married for 3 months. At least every other day is good for me, and I’ve said that a few times. I try to keep us on that schedule (and he does too because he knows it’s important to me), but I also know that if I wait an extra day, he might be even more into it because his body is ready too. I need the connection and know it’s important for him too, it’s just all a learning experience now. I’m sure it will change (for the better) when he’s back to 40h weeks, and we’re both looking forward to that!
  • It’s pretty rare that he doesn’t jump right in when I ask, but if he does decline it’s usually because he’s tired.
  • Sometimes I feel abnormal since I’m the higher drive spouse, and I’m the woman. It can often leave me feeling unwanted, or unattractive.
  • I find communicating my desire for sex hard to do. I often think I’m being obvious but my husband is oblivious. Just straight up asking for sex doesn’t seem very romantic…
  • I would ask more but husband isn’t interested. He usually rejects me.
  • I love my husband. His sex drive is 0. Months can pass before we have sex. It is a battle I have lost for 18 years. I have begged, cried and prayed. NOTHING works. NO he is not cheating. I have come to the conclusion this is how it will always be. Doesn’t make me love the man any less. He is my best friend! I am his. The sex is amazing when it does happen. I believe our marriage is strong. Just goes to show, not every marriage is perfect!
  • My husband and I have sex quite frequently, but I usually don’t have to come out and ask. Usually the way I touch/talk to him, or he does to me, tells us what the other wants. However, on those times that one of us does ask, it’s given readily, unless there’s a good reason not to right then. But when that happens, we know the reason, and that we will have sex as soon as the other one is able.
  • In an abusive relationship. I never want sex, but he wants it every other night. I can’t say no or he takes it.
  • Asking isn’t really how we function…. We head to bed together nearly every night ready to have a few uninterrupted minutes together–it’s our safe place and we look forward to this time (We have very busy teens that keep us hopping). Asking isn’t really necessary since many times sex just naturally follows intimate time and touch. If we are tired, it’s no big deal to just snuggle up and fall asleep together. The desire for sex is pretty much even, so it would seem odd for one of us to feel as if we need to ask.
  • I know I should just be asking right out more than I do; my husband isn’t a mind reader and he doesn’t pick up on subtle things or huge things (wearing lingerie with come hither movements somehow doesn’t say sexy times to him). But he’s always complaining about one thing or another so I usually just feel turned off or don’t think his broken back/neck can handle sex at the moment. Or when he finally realizes what I was wanting (after I’m done and have given up), he gets angry at himself and becomes so emotional that even if we wanted to have sex, we couldn’t anymore. So I only ask outright when everything is going perfect.
  • I answered 90% of the time to the question regarding if we actually have sex after I ask because sometimes I ask or he asks and we just get sleepy! We usually make up for it in the morning.

Men’s Comments:

  • She would be happy with somewhat less than half the sex I want We have learned to “take care of me” when she doesn’t want/need it I’ve had to learn she can enjoy it without a climax It’s usually my ego that wants to make sure she had one Our marriage is much happier when my ego stays under control.
  • My wife is always very accommodating when I ask, except for when I ask for oral. It’s great that she’s so generous, I just wish she would initiate more. I don’t think she realizes how hot it is for me when she shows interest without me doing anything to initiate. I’ve tried to explain it, but I think she may have some body image issues. Having had three kids probably did that, but I still find her as sexy as I did when we first started dating; I just wish she would believe me when I tell her that.
  • My wife is a sexual abuse survivor, so I admit that my answers might be a little skewed. Feel free to not include them.
  • I don’t ask because it seems as if she’s too busy or too tired to bother her.
  • I have always had a hard time asking for sex directly. My wife is always very accommodating, and I shouldn’t have a hard time asking, but I do. The times I am most hesitant to ask for sex are the times when I am looking for a release more than a connection.
  • Wife has hypo-thyroid.
  • Physical is my top love language, it is the bottom for her (her top is encouraging words). That creates a challenge. she loves me, but rarely feels like sex. Physically, sex is enjoyable to her.
  • There is a strong difference between getting “duty sex” and “she is enjoying it sex”. I have ZERO desire for duty sex. The only thing worse than the blow-up doll (where she lays there motionless and silent) is when she winces and grimaces the whole time because she isn’t into it. She might say “yes” often, but responses of “Ugh” or “I supposed” or “Sure, whatever” or similar, I will usually back down from. I have never found anything that overcomes those responses. No amount of changing positions, or snuggling, or me going down on her for a while, or anything gets her past that. She could have the best day of her life, and as soon as she goes “ugh, if you must” then it is all in her head that she isn’t going to have fun and there is nothing I can do to change that.
  • I have recently been much more forward about wanting sex. I used to gauge my “asking” for sex based on whether she would want sex or not. Now, I initiate sex when I want to regardless of what her perceived response might be. So far, this has not yielded more sex. However, it is now clear that I want sex and she is clearly saying “no” nearly 100% of the time.
  • Why do women do this when they know it’s wrong.
  • I ask once per week because I know I’ll be rejected if I ask for it more often. As it is, I’m rejected probably 2 out of 3 times, meaning we have sex about once every 2 to 3 weeks. Including my dry spells, in my wayward youth I literally had much more fornication on average than I have had sex/lovemaking as a married man, and married sex has been mostly mercy sex, especially since the second and last of our children was conceived. I feel like a sucker for marrying and having kids. My wife has many ways of signalling pre-emptively that even bothering to ask is only going to result in me feeling even worse due to rejection. If it weren’t for the fornication of my wayward youth I’d be convinced I’m a repulsive man who is an abysmal lover and would be a psychological wreck. How likely do you think it is that I’ll be encouraging my son to marry? Or any other man for that matter? Especially since my wife could keep this up or kick me out and use the force of law to literally make me support her for the rest of my life? No matter what she does, she has what she wants. Since I’d never take my own life, even if I die she’ll be set because of the insurance I’ve bought with money I should have been using to enjoy life or to give to church or charity.
  • Sometimes my wife will offer to help me masturbate. I have not included masturbation in my response to how many times we have sex.
  • I don’t ask because my wife is so faithful to offer. We don’t have to talk very much about it, we know how frequently we like to do it.
  • I only ask when I’m reasonably sure her answer will be yes. For the past 20+ years, my wife has worked at high stress jobs with 60-70 hour work weeks. When she says she’s exhausted or stressed out, I feel like a jerk asking for sex. So I don’t. Up until last year, we had a dysfunctional marriage. We both played a part in the long term negative dynamics that had developed. Our sexual relationship was casualty, frequently with months between sexual encounters. This year, we’ve both worked hard to change unconstructive behaviours that had plagued our marriage and improve communication, which has led to increased emotional intimacy and sexual frequency. For the first time in 25+ years, I have a safe place to express my feelings, needs and wants. But we’re not yet at the point where I’m ready to talk about how often I really want sexual connection. She has responsive desire, rarely initiating sex. Expressing that I want sex once every two days would be both a complete surprise to her and difficult for her to understand.
  • Sometimes she doesn’t participate the way I want or seems to be elsewhere.
  • For a very long time the answers were very much different, and in the negative. A combination of things brought my wife around. Should have happened decades ago.
  • Wish she initiated more but she obliges the majority of the times I ask.
  • The responses are based on our experience of the last couple of months, previously I would have tried to initiate possibly a couple of times a week, but we’d have sex maybe every 4 to 6 weeks. It would also be true that prior to this recent experience I wouldn’t ask for sex every time I wanted it. This change is due mainly (I think) to my strong urge having been tempered (maybe work pressure, don’t really know), but my wife also being more willing- again not sure of reason.
  • #9 I ask for more than want I want. If I want it twice a week, I might ask daily and actually get it twice a week. 25% odds are not good.
  • Due to a range of health reasons, my spouse is no longer able to have sex as often as I would like. To reduce pressure on her I rarely initiate these days although my desire is still strong. It works better for us if I respond to her requests when she knows that emotionally and physically she will enjoy sex.
  • I have a very good situation. My wife greatly enjoys sex. Sometimes she asks for it even though I am the one that usually is asking. If I ask and she’s too tired she says you can just take it. When the kids were younger she was really good about being creative with finding time.
  • Because of my wife’s past hurts me initiating is a turn off for her, especially if I request that we do something in a few hours, she feels like I just expect it which makes her not want to engage. It’s odd because when we do have sex (4-5 times a month) it’s amazing connected sex that has only gotten better with time.
  • My wife suffered horrific abuse as a child. I don’t ask out of respect for her situation.
  • My wife has, to use the psychological term, extinguished my willingness to ask. I used to ask quite often, but I received a positive answer so rarely that it began to hurt more and more. I don’t ask, so it doesn’t hurt as much as it does when I am rejected.
  • Rejection leaves me feel unloved. Pity sex often leaves me feeling worse heartache than before asking. We don’t share a common understanding of what the sexual relationship can and should mean to our marriage for building emotional and spiritual connection.
  • I used to ask a lot more, but I got turned down frequently. Then I tried asking less and I got turned down less, but I also got sex that she was clearly not into more often (where before she would’ve said no). Now I am more likely to gently hint and see if she shows any interest before I ask. Or I wait for her to initiate, which is every few weeks.
  • Biggest reason sex doesn’t occur even after a clear request is exhaustion related to childcare and life. Communication has improved over the last few years since we started working actively on turning around a marriage that was threatening to wreck.
  • My drive has declined somewhat, so has hers. We make it a priority to have sex regularly and it is always good (mostly great). If we decide not to, it is because one or both of us is feeling poorly, otherwise neither of refuses the other. Sounds pretty good when I write it out. It IS pretty good living it.
  • I never initiate sex any more, this was not an option. After being constantly turned down when trying to initiate I gave up. I haven’t initiated in over 2 years and we have not had sex in over 8 months. I still love my wife and am very physically attracted to her. For a while now she has just lost interest in a physical relationship.
  • It’s just not worth the effort I have learned that much from 20 plus years of being rejected.
  • After 31 years, we still haven’t developed a CLEAR code for need.
  • My wife’s reaction often makes me concerned about her response if I ask for sex. Often, I phrase it in terms of “being together”, etc. I do want sex daily, but am not able to ejaculate each time, like I used to. (Sometimes I could cum several times a day.) I am getting older and have had a past problem with porn. And, I have noticed that I sometimes don’t get aroused (erect) as well as I used to. (I guess the days of youth are gone.)
  • Empty nest, post menopause, mature relationship season for sex is the best ever!!!
  • I once tracked over 6 months/24 weeks, I asked 42 times, roughly twice a week. She said yes 2 times, one of them begrudgingly. This is typical for over 20 years. 2012-6 times, 2013-8 times. 2014-once. I have quit after being told that I was a pervert for even thinking that once a week could be considered normal.
  • I have some issues with confidence and self-worth. Doesn’t help when my initiations are rejected. Or oftentimes I don’t even try to initiate when I’m fairly certain they’ll be rejected. Wish sex and intimacy were a bigger deal to my wife and she’d show more desire or interest. I know I need to do more work on myself to make her want to want me. Sometimes feel that when I ask for sex, she’s only doing it out of duty vs really wanting to.
  • As I’ve gotten older, I think about asking for sex frequently, but by the time I hit the bed, I’m fast asleep!
  • wife has chronic pain and other issues; my needs and wants are not important enough for her to do something.
  • While I don’t like it when she says no, I’ve learned to not let fear of the no keep me from asking. And I”ve learned to not let the no be devastating or to make me angry. The bigger problem is the occasions when my asking makes her angry. When my desire to experience physical intimacy with my wife causes her to be angry toward me, well, that can really hurt and make me want to retreat in a very unhealthy way.
  • I have pretty much quit asking as frequently because of the expected rejection. I almost feel like I’m having to beg for it and it’s easier to go without.
  • Even in menopause she still is wanting to have sex with me. I need to let her know ahead of time then she is ready to go.
  • My wife is very accommodating to either make love or at least give me a handjob, breast sex, or sometimes oral if she doesn’t want intercourse.
  • I used to ask more before but have been rejected so many times so I stopped asking. We have talked about. We had sex today 🙂 I hope it will last this time because we have talked about it before, she wants to have sex and then the weeks pass by and we’re back at the same place. But I hope that it will be ok this time.
  • I hate asking for sex… I want to have a relationship where it flows freely… Unfortunately, I sense that if I don’t initiate, it would NEVER happen. I miss the younger days where we could freely enjoy each other. It has turned into a major issue in our marriage. I get accused of wanting it all the time… Her sex drive has diminished, and she is ok with that and doesn’t want to change. I’ve asked, begged, pleaded, cajoled, lectured, ignored and tried to just let it go… It just hurts to be rejected and it hurts the relationship.
  • Sex is once a week if she is feeling ok not to tired not to dirty not to full from dinner.
  • So many knock backs leading to disappointment has reduced the amount of times I try to initiate sex. I want it if not every night, at least every second night, but have given up.
  • 2-3 times a week would be fine. We are 2-3 a month. She never asks but usually says yes after cycle when she feels desire more. I get tired of being rejected so I just don’t ask anymore We talk about this but she just says it’s how she is made Seems off that God would have us wait till marriage to find out sex desire so off I tried to tell her she gets desire after aroused but since her mind is not there she can’t see it She almost always orgasms. If she doesn’t it’s because she wasn’t interested and just wants to get it over.
  • I don’t ask more often because my wife has a much lower sex drive and doesn’t think about sex as often as I do. She may say yes out of obligation but feels like pity.
  • I wish I could get her to understand how I feel about sex, but she either gets it and doesn’t care or doesn’t get it at all and thinks I’m lying to her about its importance to me And just thinks I want release and not closeness. I have flat out told her how I feel, I have told her that rejection hurts, I told her I just want to feel desired and like I’m attractive to her, but she doesn’t seem to care. We have sex once a week now after 8 years of having sex once every 6 weeks. So I can’t complain to much, but the real issue is feeling wanted and like she cares about me in that way. At this moment once a week is great but it’s a chore for her not out of desire to be with me.
  • My wife has been a gatekeeper and refuser for almost our entire 24-year marriage. She is slowly coming around after several “come to Jesus” talks over the past couple of years. But the pain of knowing that sex has been very much a duty makes me very reluctant to initiate with her. If she says yes, I constantly question in my mind whether she really WANTS to or feels like she HAS to. If I wait for her to initiate, at least that requires a little more intentionality on her part. It makes me sad beyond belief knowing that there’s a very real possibility that I’ll go to my grave without ever knowing what it feels like to be truly desired sexually by my wife.
  • I have gotten tired of initiating and getting denied. I usually get turned down and have given up trying as much as I would like.
  • Not getting sex is frustrating PERIOD!!!
  • My wife and I understand the Biblical meaning of sex and God’s plan of sex for us. We never deny each other unless something major is wrong. And if it is, we try to make up for it the first chance we get. We ALWAYS make sure each other’s needs are met. BTW, I can’t understand the comments I read on here about sexless marriages. We pray for couples in that “trap”.
  • I hate to initiate because she will comply. The chances of her reaching climax, however, are very low. So I prefer to let her initiate because I enjoy every opportunity, even if it occurs much less frequently. It sucks to have a compliant but uninterested party.
  • Always being Rejected has brought my self-confidence and self-esteem to an all-time low.. not to mention my marriage.
  • Most of the time, I try to ask early in the day and give her time to prepare and get in the mood. But housework and other stresses burn her out by the time the evening comes. It is very difficult. As I get older, I just am starting to give up and let her be the gatekeeper. This is hard for me to accept. But I would rather stay married to her and suffer than divorce and find comfort in the arms of another. I don’t want to disobey God and betray everything I believe in. Just trying to be transparent. And I think she knows this too.
  • Two years ago my answers would have been radically different. I confronted my wife with how much it hurt me when she refused sex, and we had a huge change in our sexual relationship as a result.
  • I do 99% of initiation. Didn’t ask for 3 months because me asked asking was too much pressure. Got oral sex from her one time and here words “I guess you what something I’ll suck on it if you can be quick”. That was a month ago. Now back asking again she gets mad when I ask.
  • I want to have sex much more than I want, but I don’t like to ask because my wife feels bad telling me no. If I ask, it usually results in nothing but her having a bad mood.
  • We are a little different than most, I think. We have a standing date, daily. It doesn’t work for everyone but it works for us. We just plan on it. To not have sex is the exception.
  • In 29 years of marriage I can only think of less than 10 days that I did not desire to have sex with my wife…… dead tired or sick……I love you H and that’s never going to change!!!!!
  • Life sucks sometimes
  • Asking pretty much guarantees a no. Pretty much have to try and fail. Which occurs just as much as asking. Heck if I asked and she said yes I’d be willing to bet I couldn’t perform from the shock. Let alone wondering if it’s pitty party.
  • I get tired of the rejection so I either don’t ask or I go the indirect route.
  • She has insisted a number of times that she needs me to begin initiating earlier, in the morning or the night before. Then she completely forgets and isn’t interested when we go to bed. This happens when she initiates too (unless it’s an in the moment, gets into bed naked kind of thing). We might reschedule for the next day but I’m so frustrated at that point by being rejected again that I don’t pursue.
  • Got a yes a year and a half ago, but I could tell she wasn’t into it. Couldn’t maintain an erection to start because I was so frustrated. I want her to WANT me, not just say yes and lay there because she thinks she can shut me up. It’s been 2 years now since we actually had sex. Even then she told me to hurry up because she had to go to sleep. It’s been almost 30 months now since we’ve had sex that I actually felt like she was into and wanted. She makes me feel like my desires are a hassle and an inconvenience.
  • I have been dealing with “no” answers for years. Every time I ask, I just expect to say no. Unfortunately, I’m used to it.





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