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Feeling Love and Respect

We asked men from The XY Code and The Generous Husband and wives from about how loved and respected they felt by their spouse, and what made them feel that way. Here are the rankings men and women gave, followed by descriptions of what make them feel loved or respected – or what their spouse does to make them feel unloved or disrespected.

Men: On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest, how much do you feel your wife respects you?

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
2.4% 6.0% 5.4% 4.2% 7.2% 12.7% 21.1% 20.5% 13.3% 7.2%

Average Rating 6.6
41% gave 8-9

Women: On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest, how much do you feel your husband loves you?

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
1.0% 3.8% 7.7% 6.7% 3.8% 11.5% 15.4% 20.2% 8.7% 21.2%

Average Rating 7.1
50% gave 8-9

Men’s Comments:

  • Enjoy sex. Initiate sex. Stop undermining me with the children.
  • I don’t know. I am confused. Sometimes I would give this a 5 and other times a 10. That is why I picked 7..??
  • Trust me more
  • She could respond in a more timely manner to things I’ve asked her to do. Not turn me down for sex. Decide to stay in our marriage. Love me.
  • Honoring my parenting decisions. Only criticising in private. Never showing criticism infront of our children. Even when I am wrong. Seeing that my work provides for our family and should be seen as more of a priority.
  • She could respect my views of sex…she respects everything about me except when it comes to sex. It seems my opinion doesn’t matter.
  • She acknowledges my strengths to me and to others
  • Sometimes just accept, or at least give a moment’s consideration, for things I claim are true, memories I voice, and thoughts I have….instead of instantly and consistently contradicting, correcting, and/or criticizing.
  • Not argue with me about things I have made a decision on. Its okay to appeal, but not to argue.
  • Listen with interest. Stop being jealous.
  • Trusts the decisions I have to make for the family and not second guess them. Smile on her face when I get home goes a long way too.
  • Trusting me with Independant tasks. sometimes I explain something and she’s amazed I know it. Sometimes I feel her respect but I couldn’t explain why. I think more often I feel unworthy and so don’t respect myself and think she doesn’t either.
  • Don’t interrupt when I’m speaking. Bring decisions to me that she could reasonably take on her own, just for my input or advice. (And I don’t mean which brand of soup to buy, but like which dress to buy, whether the kids can sleep over at a friend’s, etc.) Make an effort to be sexual, as it doesn’t come naturally to her. “Think sex!” Speak positively about me to others. Thank me for something she appreciates – something I’ve done, or simply the fact that we’ve arranged our circumstances in such a way that it suits her (house, job, schedule)
  • 1) Want to be with me sexually 2) Touch me (hands through my hair, etc.) 3) Provide compliments
  • My wife respects me greatly
  • Words of love and respect, physical touch and sex
  • Listen to what I say. Don’t make fun of my opinions. Do support me in public. Do not criticise what I am doing.
  • Don’t ask for my opinion then ignore my input. Don’t ask me to do something and then get upset because I did it wrong, especially when I really tried.
  • She could stop trying to be in control of everything she doesn’t like.
  • She still desires me after being together for 15 years and that helps me to be confident in all areas of life.
  • Positive reinforcement Back me up on decisions made (in spirit and in actions) Facial expressions say it all Don’t talk down to me in front of the kids
  • She supports me in everything……we might not always agree but she will back me up.
  • Now I do, since we have spent many hours counseling husbands and wives on this very subject. Most women believe that “more love = respect” which is like saying that electricity is like water. What makes me feel respected is: having my wife – tell me how proud she is of me, a specific activity as a job done well at home or at church, telling me she shared with her friends some activity I did well for her or for someone else, giving me a hallmark type card which does not look like it is for our daughter, bragging to our male children (grown now) I am a great role model and to ask me that question posed to her. Any recognition that I am going in the correct direction with a task. Respect is not: trying to correct something I know I messed up, ie. physical project, or trying to help a person where I am doing my best, telling any other person about our “personal” business at home trying to get their advice without coming to me first to get “permission” to discuss this with them. Hope it helps my friend! The Best Is Yet To Be!
  • No matter the argument we may have had, she never down talks me to her friends. There is great respect there. Lack of resurrect would be I may make a disciplinary decision that she doesn’t agree with and she will overturn it.
  • Tell me. Tell me she trusts me.
  • 1. Recognize it when she is wrong. Never – NEVER – apologizes. Rarely recognizes mistakes and sins, and when she does, it is usually followed by a “but you also…” 2. Stop public complaints and criticism. Needless to say, with an irritated tone of voice. Hardly a convenient time to settle issues, and hardly ever works. 3. Participate actively in family devotions. Keeps busy with cell phone, even the kids notice it and tell her to pay attention. After more than two decades together, hope for change is dim, if at all present. I do not think of divorce, but do not really see any hope for a change.
  • Comment positively on my work
  • Assume that I want her good and the good of our family in any given situation.
  • not undermine my authority with our children right in front of them. this list could go on and on and on and on. this is a major one.
  • initiate sex more
  • Her tone when she speaks me
  • She seeks my council and listens to my recommendations. She also tells friends and family when I do something she appreciates and she makes sure I hear her saying it.
  • Listening to my opinion. understanding my schedule/priorities
  • Support my decisions
  • Let me finish my thoughts and sentences. Cutting me off mid-sentance, or accusing me of lecturing feels very disrespectful. It makes me feel that what I have to say isn’t important.
  • Tells me so. Oral
  • Not debate or argue so much
  • be sarcastic with me when you are angry. Respect me enough to not use foul language when you are angry. Don’t assume I’m thinking a certain way…. Ask.
  • When a topic has been discussed with both sides addresssed and a decision as the husband was made even though it was against my wife’s desire do not hold a bad attitude when doing it but support it With regards to sex… don’t always be in pajamas… and no makeup..understand yoy are beautiful no matter what but please let me indulge in your body…. dress up and keep the make up on.
  • Won’t listen to me. Her idea of good sex is no sex at all. I just feel that I am giving all the time and there is nothing coming my way.
  • Trust me a little. Give me the benefit of the doubt once in a while. Realize we are both on the same team and I’m actually the leader of that team. Treat how I spend my time as equally important as how she spends hers. Do her part to take care of our home. Begin dealing with her body issues. Begin dealing with her past sexual hangups. Treat sex as something that is important and give it a priority.
  • I’m not really sure how you define “respected”.
  • Trust, and admiration convey respect to me.
  • listen to my entire thought
  • Initiate sex
  • Less controlling and “mothering”. Less nagging. Trust me to make the right choices for our family.
  • Listen to what I say and understand my point of view
  • She respects me a great deal. The one issue I have is when she does something which I believe warrants an apology she never apologizes. Even when I bring the issue up she does not acknowledge she was in the wrong. I never demand an apology and because of that I never receive one. In my mind this is a HUGE lack of respect bordering on disrespect.
  • She tells me!
  • Keep minor parenting disagreements between us and don’t disagree in in front of the children.
  • Affirmation of ideas
  • Say to me: “You are the head of this household by God’s design. You are my head, by God’s design. I am striving in every possible way to be submissive to you; I trust your leadership. I will honor you with my respectful opinion, if I think it’s crucial. To highlight the importance of my utterances, I will not make it a habit to nag, rebel, or be snide. I will gladly honor you with my body, following the scriptures, and I will do what I can to increase my desire for you, even though this is not the most important thing in our sexual relations. Above all, I will honor God by not giving myself an “escape hatch” from this marriage. I will attempt to die to myself every bit as much as you are attempting to die to yourself.”
  • Sex more than twice a year.
  • Follow and trust my leadership and not continue to second guess over and over every single decision.
  • Truly understand in her heart what respect means to a man, to her husband and the benefits that go along when husbands feel respected.
  • 1. Not argue about everything that is said. Be under the intent of unity in something. Either where we are going to get food, what the plan for the evening event is, or agreement in prayer. 2. When I pray, not comment negatively about my prayer. Not mock my worship. Not tell others at my dinner table about the situations where I’m inadequate. When I speak to her, she doesn’t acknowledge what I say or…she acknowledges it so discreetly that I don’t hear her, or see any indication of her acknowledgement. I do listen and watch for her response. 4. When I plan something for her, have a positive response. Or some kind of acknowledgement. 5. When things are spiritually disturbing to me, like the TV show selection; not insist on having her way. Don’t insist on using patterns of speech (at my request) that are used by mainstream drama crowd. ex. OMG 6. When I make time to keep myself in shape (everyday), Don’t mock me by saying: for all the exercise I do I should look like______(him). She doesn’t have a clue. 7. When I have to make a tough decision; participate, but respect my viewpoint and honor me if I decide I have to go with my instinct. 8. Don’t say things like: I hope our daughters don’t marry someone like you. 9. Work her own body out. Dress herself to look better. Maintain her own closet. Don’t let her clothes look like they have been under the bed. When I suggest a book for her to read that might give her a clue: read it. I have tried to tell her what i’ve learned in a discreet manner, and I have resorted to highlighting the points that matter to me so that if she picks up the book, she won’t miss it. Call it desperate. I’ve been married to the same lady 32 years. My youngest child is 17. We have 6 grandkids.
  • Be sexually available. Not nag. Don’t talk to me like one of the kids.
  • Not interrupting me because she thinks she knows what I’m going to say and says it anyway; usually wrong – not taking care of herself; getting larger and what – expecting me to not notice? to be ok with it? to be happy about it? – not doing what I’ve asked – ceasing to follow through with the “family” plans we’ve established in the past; i.e. child discipline, house hold rules, etc. since when did the family way cease to be the family way? – not doing what she’s been telling me to do regarding food, diet, nutrition, exercise… – fixing me food that doesn’t taste good because we “need the variety”
  • Back me up consistanly in front of our kids, show it publicly, praise me in public and not allow the kids or her parents & sister to criticize me, esp. in front of the kids.
  • Stop her condescending or contemptuous tone when we disagree. Stop making big decisions without my input. Stop deciding to do something and then coming to me after she has made all affirmations asking if it is OK. Stop claiming her superiority in the relationship, that her needs are more important while at the same time dismissing my contribution to the relationship and dismissing my needs as unimportant. Prioritize the marriage above other people relationships.
  • She could pay more attention the house hold, she could listen with attentive hears, she could show appreciation, she could give me more affection, tread me as her best male friend and sometimes as the father figure at least
  • listens to me and cares about what I have to say. We both value each other’s positions, feelings, ideas, thoughts, etc. She lets me know what is going on throughout the day and I let her know what is going on (we keep each other informed to avoid unpleasant surprises). No decisions affecting the other are made unilaterally, financial decisions over $500 are made together, even if is inevitable that we’ll have to make that decision (e.g. fixing the car). There is really too much to write here, but it can probably be summed up as saying we take the time to consider each other in all areas, even the areas that are “mine” or ‘hers”.
  • When she is excited to see me and wants to be around me.
  • Asking for my input on moderate or large decisions. -Only speaking positively of me to others. -Recognizing that I can be as much of a parent as her. -Never contradicting me in front of our daughter. -Thanking me for leading our family in a Godly way and telling me that it’s a set of responsibilities that she does not envy as a woman. -By consciously giving me grace and not getting irritated by some of my personal quirks.
  • She always second guesses anything I say, and questions the way I do things. Also, I found out a couple weeks ago that she was texting another man. She texted him 1,000 times in two months, and it made me feel very disrespected. Also, she will sometimes belittle me in front of my family, or my kids. She says she is just teasing, but there is partial truth to it.
  • Respond the same way to me as she would with strangers when difficult situations arise in our marriage. Discontinue seeking to disprove my point of view, when it doesn’t need to be.
  • Talk to me, answer my sms, answer the phone when I call her
  • Tell me when it’s time to take out the garbage (she sees the inside of the kitchen garbage can way more than I do) instead of doing it herself – as if I’m a lazy bum and won’t do it. Take delight in my love-making skills rather than being forever in control and being afraid of the mess and accusing me of deliberately doing it wrong just to frustrate her. (I was married for 25 years to my first wife (who died in 1994) and we went to the moon and back without ever leaving our marriage bed – So, even if I’m not extraordinary, I know I’m at least competent.) Tell me what she needs and then let me do it my way – I don’t need a first-grade teacher or a mother directing my every move. Allow me to make mistakes. Quite often a “mistake” is simply my way of doing something that is different from her way. Since I am stronger, my way of avoiding disaster will be different from her way – which is to take X-number of improbable precautions. Allow me to make simple comments without changing them, correcting them or disparaging them. Stop making every mistake I make into an evil plot. Such as locking the door behind me while she’s still outside. Hold my arm when we are walking side by side.
  • Not contradict me in front of our kids, not make out of the usual purchases without discussion, keep our home clean, do little things to help me be prepared for work I.e. Make me breakfast and see me out in the mornings, focus on the things I’m doing right rather than only hounding me about where I need to do better
  • Let me flip this for a better perspective- Respect is earned, not granted. Trust can be granted-and lost, but respect is always earned. From how I responded to her from the days of our courtship to today, I have earned my wife’s respect, and her admiration. She see’s how I respond to the bad things and bad people that life brings our way and the good things and good people, as well; she has experienced my heart toward her in private and in public and so she has no reason to doubt my heart toward her; she knows of my love for her in how we make love and in how we talk about our day’s events; she sees how I respond when angered and frustrated and what I do when I have an opportunity to take advantage of another. I treat her as a human being, with her own thoughts and feelings, and needs, that are just as relevant and important as my own. I do not interfere with her freedom to make her own choices, nor do I try to convince her to see things my way, though she has, from her experiences with me, come to a place where she values the wisdom in my advice- which I only give when asked for. I apologize to her quickly when I have reacted from a misperception and when I am just simply in the wrong. I also expect the same from her when she finds herself in the same situation and will pursue it, if necessary. I have earned her respect, and so I have no need to ask her to change anything she says or does because her respect for me comes from her heart. I have no issues associated with maintaining that respect because her heart is as precious to me as my love is precious to her.
  • She could just go with my choice or my call in the moment. She could be intentional about not contradicting me in front of the kids. She could listen when I have something to say. She could let me drive once in a while, just to show me that she respects me.
  • She almost never says no to my sexual advances, She brags about me to her friends and family, she asks my advice on how to solve problems around our small ranch, she follows my lead in our financial dealings, she never says ‘I told you so’ or stuff like that.
  • Tells me what I do well. And what others say about me (positive).
  • She supports the decisions we make, even if we disagree on which decision is best. There is no “I told you so” if I make the wrong choice. We just readjust and move on.
  • See me as head of the family and Captain. Prefer me over the kids, TV, computer and books. Pursue me for sexual pleasure (hers and mine). Happily comply with requests for rubs, to sit on couch together, go places. Listen without interrupting. Do not roll eyes. Consider that what I ask her to do/not do is to spare her and the family from pain/loss/cost.
  • Go with my decisions (assuming they are Godly and won’t hurt her or others). Be open about sex and her past hurts that influence (destroy) our sexual relationship. Having a warm dinner when I get home late.
  • She seeks and respects my opinion. She trusts me to provide for and protect her. She chooses to allow me to be the head of our home. We never fight in front of our children and she avoids saying things that would undermine their respect of me. She meets my physical needs even when she is not in the mood. She is incredibly smart and takes a great deal of the load of family management off of my shoulders. She makes sure I get to bed on time to get enough sleep to be productive at work. She loves me through her actions.
  • Considers me in her thinking tells/asks me before planning /doing something. Communicates with the kids that daddy is in charge. Manages our household well. Greats me warmly.
  • Acknowledge my contributions to the family (financial, time devoted to kids, house, and changing of priorities to give up things that are important to me for the family).
  • No eye-rolling when we are with other people.
  • Verbally confirm the way she feels regarding her respect for me. Small comments go a LONG way to men.
  • Compliments me, tells me I am doing a good job, makes time for me despite her other obligations.
  • Words of praise timely delivered.
  • I often feel questioned when making decisions, even when they are trivial. I guess I would feel more respected if my wife trusted my intuition, and let me be a leader in our marriage.
  • Respect my need for sex.
  • make me look stupid in public…
  • Speak more openly about frustrations and solutions
  • Ask my opinion and let it influence a decision. Enthusiastically say yes to sex frequently. Don’t schedule things without checking with me first. Don’t undermine me in front of the kids. Say “Thank You” for what I do.
  • She doesn’t do this, but she could let me be the man. She tries taking over every aspect in our marriage so that she feels that she is in control.
  • Listen.be patient while I am thinking of an answer and not jump in. Don’t interrupt me, especially in front of others, particularly in front of other men. Speak well of me with her friends… Whether I am present or not.
  • Almost always listens to me without interrupting Will honor my opinion and desires 9 out of 10, and question it only if she really feels the need, which is good Speaks well of me to others and the kids She tells me she appreciates me and the way I lead our family Does Not… Just a handful of times in our marriage she has wanted to get an answer out of me and hounded me to that end without listening or trusting that I’ll talk about it when I’m ready/able to
  • Give weight to my opinions, often she believes things when other people tell her but not when I tell her. I don’t mean factual things where I could be wrong but opinions such as: she is smart, she is pretty…
  • We’re not wealthy, but we do better than most. I enjoy making sure my wife has nice things. Newer vehicles, newer phone, etc… When she doesn’t take care of them, I feel totally disrespected and she doesn’t get it. Her car is a PIT (trash containers, days old soda cans, trash, etc…) Trust me, I’m not being nit picky!. It’s rather bad, but she refuses to take care of it.
  • to not point out my faults to others and communicate with me her feelings and not to her friends.
  • Tell me she appreciates how I support the family financially. Express appreciation for work I do around the house.
  • I feel strongly about whether we should or should not do something and have a valid reason, she should respect that and not keep bringing it up.
  • she talks positively especially in front of our children and other people she genuinely cares about my stressors and tries to alleviate them
  • Complements looks Complements ideas Complements when I complete a honey do for her. Not a it is about time! Instead it is nice job, I like having a man around the house. Asks opinion #1 Asks me to pray with and for her.
  • Hug me. Kiss me. Touch me. • Write me. Talk to me. Listen to me • Be with me • Forgive me • Accept my help • Respect me in our Sexual relationship • Let me be a guy (and all the crap that goes with it) • Compliment something about me that you like or something I do well. • Rub your hands on me. Don’t avoid touch. Hold a hand, arm on mine, around my waist, if you can maintain a little sense of humor and stay a little removed from my grumpiness you could pinch my butt or grab my crotch – that will catch my attention! • Find something to say “thank you” about without reservation. Not “Thanks, but I wish you didn’t have to . . . “. Just stop at “thanks”. • Accept that I want you – nobody else.
  • She affirms me with words. She respects the work I do as a pastor, and feels that I am good at it. When she disagrees with something I’m doing, she approaches it respectfully. We have studied Eggeriches “Love and Respect” and his CHAIRS acronym. She tries to live by that. She respects my needs for conquest. The cool thing is this: When there is a general atmosphere of respect in the marriage, I can overlook or respond graciously when she (unknowingly) acts in a way that doesn’t feel respectful. I know she has goodwill in her heart, and wants to do well with respecting me — and that goes a long way.
  • give more encouragement; greet me at the door; initiate more; let me lead and make decisions more with out an argument or comments…
  • She makes a point to never speak ill of me in front of others. She works hard to never say no if I need sexual attention. It may be just some attention with her hands that night, but she rarely says no. She works hard in the home to raise the kids right and keep the place nice. She is not lazy.
  • She asks me for advice and usually follows it. When she doesn’t agree she still discusses it with me instead of just ignoring me. If I tell her know that I think it’s important to take my advice in a matter that we disagree on, she will go ahead and choose to trust my judgment without completely agreeing. It’s rare that it actually comes to that, because we take time to understand each other on big things and usually end up agreeing. Another big way she shows respect is by not rubbing it in my face when a decision she has submitted to turns out to be the wrong one.
  • She seldom, if ever, criticizes me in public or to her friends. She has no issues with the S-word—not sex (although that is good too!), but rather submission. Biblical submission. She encourages me when I’m down. She never makes important decisions alone.
  • My wife tells me how much she respects me frequently. She backs me up in public, and will express her disagreement in private. She offers constructive criticism when necessary. She really is wonderful. She wasn’t always like this early in our marriage, but Christ has changed her heart.
  • Communicate to me on a regular basis that she is proud of the job I do as a husband and father.
  • Say please when asking/telling me to do things. Sometimes I feel like her slave because she gives me commands instead of requests.
  • How you act when he drives is a sure-fire way to show respect. For a man, being a driver is a prime example of servant leadership. Displays of anxiety, questioning decisions or directing from the passenger seat communicates lack of respect for his abilities to drive(aka, serve and lead in the car). It does not convey your desire for teamwork or investment in his welfare.
  • I would feel much more respected if my needs and what I have to say were given more attention than that of our children. It would also make me feel more respected if my wife would honor my desire to be intimate with her rather than criticizing it as though it is abnormal.
  • Talk to me with a sweet, loving tone Remind me how she appreciates me NOT talk to me in an aggressive or nagging tone Keep the house in good order while I’m away at work Argue / disagree as adults without yelling or acting immaturely
  • Stop interrupting when I am talking to another person to put in her 2 cents. Stop disagreeing with what I say in the presence of others. Discuss disagreement later and privately.
  • To make me feel more respected, my wife could avoid talking to me sometimes like I am one of her children instead of her husband.
  • Words – what she says Body Language Decisions she makes Willingness to listen
  • she tells me I’m her hero. she stands by my decisions and lets me take risks.
  • Avoid telling me what to do. Ask or suggest would be received more positively. Men don’t need a mother.
  • Understand what is important to me and make an effort to support those things. She makes promises that she doesn’t keep, but expects my forgiveness time and again for her failures. If you say “I’m sorry” but make little effort to change your ways; keep doing these behaviors that hurt me, our family, etc. – what does that say to me?
  • Loves unconditionally, actively listens, marriage is a we not me, takes care of me and keeps my love tank overflowing! 😉
  • More affectionate or loving when I first get home from work.
  • She could let me drive without making comments
  • Show respect for items that would last longer if cared for instead of just throwing them out when they break and buying new. This is a waste of money that we work hard to earn.
  • When we argue, my wife interrupts me when I’m speaking, and that makes me feel disrespected. If she would just let me finish my thought process I would feel that she respected me enough to listen. I try to respect her and listen when she talks. I don’t always accomplish this.
  • Trusts me Loves me
  • She defers to my decisions – even if she is not in agreement. My wife models the respect that she expects from me and our children.
  • When I make a mistake, don’t correct me in front of other people, especially like you’re correcting an ignorant 8 year old.
  • Dishonest if she thinks it will avoid conflict
  • Value my opinion, don’t criticize in public… No eye rolling etc…..
  • Honors my opinion and me. She will not talk bad about me to her friends or family. She strives to make me look good to others. Loves and trusts me….
  • The looks, the tone, the responses.
  • Doesn’t talk with an attitude. Doesn’t question for no reason when I lead.
  • Speak her mind and then defer to me when a decision needs to be made. And then stick to the decision. If she continues to have some misgivings, she should take it up with me, not just go back to her choice of action. This is primarily in the area of dealing with the children.
  • Tell me outright – don’t dance around it or assume I’ll understand the secret handshake.
  • More recognition of accomplishments and provisions for my family, not because I need recognition of them from a prideful perspective, but recognition of that aspect of my role as family leader.
  • Thank me for going to work. Snuggle up when she says thank you. Recognise my need for intimacy. Take my feelings seriously..
  • Not expect me to be so routine and do things the exact way she would.
  • I feel like she grades me on every chore I do around the house. She always has a comment about how I could have done something better. This makes me not want to contribute. I know she respects my work because she tells me verbally.
  • Not talk down to me
  • The level of respect in what she says and the way she says it is huge. How she speaks is the biggest thing.
  • Say it. Treat me like she respects me.
  • She does not try and change me.
  • Not just a thanks. Encouraging words, with a strong hug and kiss. Talk of what we did in front of others when we are there with them to show their appreciation.
  • Encouraging my attempts to show love by recognizing them without criticism of details. Not being fearful about decisions.
  • What she could do to make me feel respected: Background: our finances are tight. We’re both doing our best to bring in income, but we have serious medical conditions that dramatically increase our expenses. I am in charge of the expenses. She could show a little more desire to communicate about and help with keeping our expenses in check, and a little less eye-rolling attitude whenever I update her on our financial situation. On areas we disagree on (like whether my wage is fair or not) I’d appreciate if she didn’t get her girlfriends to side with her and use their support as proof that she is right. In general, complain less. Focus less on what you don’t have, and more on what you do have. I am the majority provider of our income, so complaining about not having makes me feel disrespected. What she does do to make me feel respected: she encourages me to get comfortable when I walk in the door from work; she makes sure I’ve got a meal in front of me first; she often does the laundry before I can get to it (though she complains enough about it to nearly negate her effort); she will occasionally make some outward display of respect towards me on Facebook or to our friends while I’m standing there.
  • speak politely ,choosing word
  • By not shouting at me. Instead, talking respectfully, even when mad.
  • Not offer another option when I state something. She used offer it saying something like, “I’ve got a better idea.” She’s quit those type of saying, but the fact that she’s still trying to get me to do every little detail her way, makes me feel not respected.
  • Value my efforts in the home to help her out.. Value my sexuality and nurture it. Recognize when I’m stressed and and make down time for me possible when I need it.
  • She could choose not make the whole house hear about our disagreements by having a softer voice.
  • Ask me Affirmative words Appreciation of effort if not always the results
  • She truly listens to what I have to say.
  • I rarely express a strong opinion. But when it is important I do so. So please listen on those occasions
  • She could work to understand that sex is a two way street, and just because I want it more than she does, does not mean I’m hyper sexual. She could also clean up after herself more.
  • while our lives are one consistent transition, she knows that the future will look much different than today, just as the past was much different than today.
  • Acknowledge situations
  • She can affirm me. From my perspective, if a wife doesn’t show that she believes in her husband and isn’t fanatically committed to his potential (which looks a lot different than being committed to what is already in place) she is not being respectful to her man. I feel most respected when I am affirmed. As for my wife, it would be nice to hear her say: You are an excellent provider, you’re a great Dad, thanks for working so hard, you know how to make me happy….. *sigh* I know my wife loves me….there is never any doubt there. Most men would slay dragons after being affirmed. We are very simple creatures that way. Can’t get any more respect than that IMO.
  • never criticizes me and tells me often that she admires and appreciates me. She supports and encourages personal projects. Areas of improvement would be for her to pursue ongoing knowledge of me to “meet me where I am” as a man and husband and to be more specific about what/why she respects me.
  • Specific praise. Pointing out to me how I have succeeded in the past, especially when I am doubting myself. How she disagrees is also important.
  • Learn to speak my love language, rather than tell me she loves me and it is not her fault if I don’t feel loved.
  • When asking me to do something, make it sound like I have a choice. Not that I want to say no, but I just don’t like being ordered around as if I have nothing important to do. Maybe sounds cheesy, but her performing oral sex, makes me feel very respected.
  • less interruption in conversation. I think letting someone complete a thought is respect as well as just polite -sometimes when we argue, I walk away to cool off, not because I don’t love her. Giving me my space is respect -she shows she respects me when she lets me help with something typically her territory. -I feel she respects me when she has faith in me, in good times and bad
  • Consult with me more regarding matters in her life. Consult with me regarding finances. Showing respect to the position as head that God has given me.
  • Hear me out. Compliment my work. Admire my parenting. Take photos of the fish I catch. Admire my body.
  • Not question my every decision or think her way is best all of the time.
  • 1. Trust my judgement more 2. Trust me to complete something she asked me to do and not take it over from me halfway (maybe this is a personal thing) 3. Not belittle me in front of others (not that she does – and that’s appreciated) 4. Allow me to do things for her
  • I like the way she asks my advice, that makes me feel respected
  • Defers to me in decision making. Is transparent with me with what she does (and expects same!)

Women’s Comments:

  • He always considers me first, with regard to safety, comfort, feelings, decision making, everything. I feel cherished and valued.
  • He says that by him going to work is him showing his love but I wish he would touch me and kiss me more.the only time he kisses me is when we’re having sex
  • His physical affection is wonderful, but I wish we communicated better.
  • I need to hear it expressed verbally. I need to feel desired sexually. Little actions that show thoughtfulness (a spontaneous gift – even very inexpensive – that shows he knows what I like, etc.) go a long way. Demonstrating awareness of and care about my needs (mental health, dietary restrictions) means a ton.
  • He is thoughtful and does small things for me like getting a new bar of soap when mine is low, filling the water tank in my c-pap machine, buying me flowers regularly (unrelated to holidays), writing and sharing hot stories about us together, making time for date nights and overnight sex dates, he actively LEARNS about women and how to understand/please them in general and then tweaks it specifically to ME, he asks me what I enjoy sexually and tries to fulfill those things and he continually reassures me verbally with praise and compliments about my beauty/sexiness. BTW, these are ALL new behaviors he learned through TMB and Generous Husband! (except the flowers) After that list you would think me awful to feel unloved, but I really do feel unloved because he is so distant from our children, rarely ever engaging in a conversation or activity with them. He has always lacked parenting skills yet does not try to improve. He will not lead our family in any tangible way, especially spiritually. He won’t even try to have any conversation with the children about problems or issues. He neglects all care of our home and property, leaving me in the awkward position of not wanting to go around him but hating seeing our home fall apart. He is poor at finances, yet never tries to learn or improve. He has no leadership skills and does nothing, leaving me to let things fall apart or do it myself. I let things go for YEARS hoping that someday he would step up, but it never happens. He loves me, but the only way he shows it is in our marriage, specifically our sex life (which is SO MUCH better!) but he doesn’t love our children or our life together outside of the bedroom. I thought that our improved sex life and marriage would improve our life together, but so far that hasn’t really happened. If only he would put forth the effort to be a better dad like he puts forth to be a better lover…life would be great!
  • He strives to understand how I feel loved, then he does his best to show it that way. He is not a words person. He doesn’t like to read, to talk much, and he appreciates a brief answer to any question. However, he knows I receive love by words of affirmation, so he works hard to write me loving notes and to speak loving reassurances. This is an effort for him, therefore it makes me feel loved. He also makes time for me. He worries about me and tries to make sure I’m happy and healthy. He makes me feel safe and secure. In my first marriage, my ex-husband made me feel awful. I knew if a bear came to attack us, he’d run and let the bear eat me. My current mate would most definitely stand between the bear and me. He puts my needs and wants first. I know, without a doubt, I’m more important to him than anyone or anything else on this planet. He has my back.
  • Pay attention to me. Help with housework once a week instead of never. Clean up after himself.
  • Put his arm around me while watching a movie. Give small but thoughtful gifts like when I have a bad day he always brings home a Ben and Jerry’s for us to share like when we were dating-happy memories to beat a bad day. Love me publicly in word or action. When he makes any sacrifice for me I feel so loved and when he doesn’t I am sad
  • I need to feel safe before I will risk feeling loved. Stand by me in times of crisis (i.e., cancel the golf trip if our child is hospitalized or the conference if my dad is dying.) Stand up for us when your friends encourage your to engage in dangerous, illegal behavior. Kiss me properly every day (eye contact, brush hair from face, run your finger along my jaw line…) Learn how to slow dance well and do it with me often. Read and consider The Generous Husband tips. Pray with me and pray for me. Caress the parts of my body that you usually ignore. Verbalize your appreciation for something I add to our life together. Be specific. When something I do or say makes you feel disrespected, tell me so. I’m learning and need your input. Realize the power of your physical strength. Show me that I am more important than your work.
  • For me it’s all about letting me know I’m thought of. Changing my tires to rubbing my feet after a long day! I have a good man so I could go on and on!
  • Speaks gently to me. Tells me he loves me. Serves me. Listens to me. Validates my opinion, even if he disagrees. Lets me know that he knows that I have a brain and am capable of thinking. Fathers our children in kindness and love. He chooses to remain faithful to me. He shares spiritual thoughts and ideas and learnings with me. He knows me, my preferences, my desires, my weaknesses, and loves me anyhow. He is patient with me. He considers my desires and wisdom when making a decision.
  • Keep commitments (be home when he says he will, or call to let me know he’ll be late) Prioritize us above work (ie., on weekends, focus on what could get done HERE instead of how he can use this time to get ahead at work). Physical affection really helps me feel loved, just a squeeze or a quick kiss. Commenting on things I’ve done at home – maybe something I always do, something mundane that usually goes unnoticed, or if I’ve made an extra effort in a certain area. I know he thinks work is a way he expresses love for me and our family. I try to appreciate that. But I think working mostly fulfills his own basic need to feel productive. If he GOES OUTSIDE HIS COMFORT ZONE at work in an effort to improve his earnings or his productivity/efficiency, that’s when I really feel loved. I know THAT was hard for him, and I know he did it for us, not himself. But just putting in long hours does NOT make me feel loved. I think that is more for himself than us. (My husband is a bit of a workaholic, so maybe for other women a husband working overtime would make them feel loved, because he really has to push himself to stay those extra hours? not sure. All I know is it doesn’t work for me!)
  • Communicate. Just talk
  • smiles when he sees me gives me hugs from behind when I’m working in the kitchen pats my bottom any time he walks by takes walks with me instead of working on a project he’s in the middle of is consistent in his taking care of things around the house patient with me during my frustrations doesn’t mention the extra pounds I’ve put on
  • Be nice- show patience, compassion, up-building words. Don’t lash out at me and say hateful things. Control mouth and anger. Remember he’s not perfect either.
  • words of affirmation. more time together
  • Follow through with what he says he will do. Actively seek to be a more Godly man.
  • Help out with simple things around the house, be observant to the things that need to be done or that I am falling behind on. Help out with the kids more, get up and play with them. Leave the computer, phone and tablet alone for a least a little while. When I ask you to do something please just do it so I dont have to feel like a nagging wife and ask you at least 10 more times before you take of it.
  • “How much do you feel your husband loves you? Is NOT the same question as “How loved do you feel?” My husband loves me deeply and I truly believe that. He tries to show it but to be honest, it doesn’t come through all the time. I would put #10 for how much he loves me and #6 for how loved I feel. Next time write better questions. This happens a LOT on these surveys. Could you please have some folks proof-read the surveys before you post them?
  • He tells me he loves me and what he loves about me more than daily, holds me close and gives his undivided attention, has my favourite comfort foods on hand when I have a rough day, and so much more 🙂
  • He could act like he’s my partner and invite me to make decisions with him (when the outcome affects me, too). He could stop putting the dogs in our bedroom, after I told him I didn’t want them there; I want our bedroom to be sacred. He could choose me over … and make me his highest priority; I feel as though I’m on the bottom most of the time (even below the dogs). He could humble himself more and ask for help… instead of trying to do everything himself, even when he clearly needs help. He could act more on things and not just talk… He could read scriptures over me. He could ask me if I want prayer before we go to bed… (though I could always ask…) He could come to church more often with me. He could choose joy instead of burden and stress (he sadly overwhelms me with his constant heavy heart and melancholy). I don’t feel as covered and protected as I believe I should be. It’s painful seeing all of this in one place… forcing myself to think this through…
  • He could speak to me in terms of endearment- that He thinks I am beautiful, that he appreciates me ,a nd he could help out more in the home.
  • Looks after the kids so I can have time out. Gives me kisses every single day when he walks in the door after work. Asks me how my day has been and lets me rant when ive had a bad day with the kids – doesn’t brush it off. Initiates sex (this hasn’t always been the case so I feel loved when he wants to have sex with me). Makes me a cup of tea (he doesn’t drink hot drinks so when he does this I know its just serving me). Acknowledges when I’ve done something – he started doing this a month ago and it has made me feel so so loved. Like saying, thanks for organising the car going in for a warrant, or doing the dishes, or giving me that extra half hour sleep in, etc etc.
  • He helps out with all aspects of housework/shopping, often brings home flowers or treats, wants to spend every moment out of the office with me, texts me several times a day to tell me he loves me, tries to do every activity as a team.
  • Interact with what I am saying to him.
  • More affection and attention. Quality time spent together and better communication
  • Give me grace when I mess up. When he gets extremely angry with me, and there is no grace there, it makes me feel like it’s not okay for me to just be me, it’s not okay for me to be human with flaws. I have to be perfect otherwise I’m unacceptable.
  • I feel loved when he focuses on me or us….smiling at me, winking, laughing, touching with hugs & kisses, just acts happy to be with me, makes spending time together a priority. Thankfully I know I am loved regardless but I “feel” extra loved during those times.
  • Helps with chores with or without asking. Shows love and affection in my love language. He accepts my quirks.
  • Pray with me, communicate on a daily basis, stay engaged in life. Show me that our marriage is worth working on and effort exerted.
  • He will (on occasion ) give me a hug or quick kiss, to show appreciation of something I did or was doing. I would like him to do this more often. I know he loves me because of how he takes care of me, but I want to “feel” it more…we have been married 32 years.
  • Keep his word, not be lazy, make love to me, don’t privately message other women. (they can message a woman, they just better show/tell me about it.
  • Communicate more, initiate intimacy, be romantic
  • It makes me feel loved when he comes into the kitchen while I am making dinner or cleaning up and holds me for a minute, making contact and smiling at me. Sometimes he offers to help with something or just jumps in to interact with the kids and this really makes me feel loved. It would make me feel loved more often if he could do these a little more often.
  • think many men buy into buying us wives material thing when in reality what makes us feel loved is things that can not be bought, ie time. In my own marriage it time for ” us” dates ,his planning scheduled sex dates and just some “me” time by taking care of the kids/house.
  • Pursue Me!! Tell me I’m beautiful! I know my hubby loves me, but he never pursues me. Never tells me I’m beautiful. Never makes me feel like a woman…in other words, he doesn’t make me feel sexy or desirable. 🙁 it’s heartwrenchingly painful for me.
  • He could listen to me without making faces or “hmph”ing. He could actually look AT me once in a while when I’m talking. Hugs & caresses outside the bedroom, on a daily basis would be awesome. Show tenderness and concern for me in my struggles. Try not to be disappointed and judge me when I don’t live up to your idea of a great person, i.e. you don’t struggle with the same things I do. Be transparent with me about his struggles. I can have compassion for a less-than-perfect man. Pretending you have it all together causes me to distrust you and encourages me to close-down my feelings and affection toward you.
  • AFFIRM me – both who I AM and what I DO. Say you love me, then back it up with action and PRIORITY — otherwise, you’re just blowing smoke, and I’ll think you’re a liar as well as not loving me.
  • Clean up after himself and not create extra work for me.
  • Make me a priority.
  • Be a student of me and act on that knowledge. I want to be known.
  • Talk to me with respect and help me with my chores
  • When he values my thoughts, opinions, likes and dislikes as much as his own. When he takes time to know me. When he does things to make our marriage a priority, eg. marriage conferences, classes, etc.
  • Covers me up each morning and kisses me before he goes to work
  • He picks up the slack with the kids now that I work outside of the home. He will always grab me a snack or drink if he’s getting some for himself. He will run errands or even make supper for the family if I am exhausted and can’t manage to do it all. He’s pretty awesome!
  • This is a list of the things my husband does: He holds my hand each & every time we pray. He gives me hugs. He randomly brings me flowers (and he knows & remembers I do NOT like roses) . He gets up out of bed to turn the bathroom light off, that I accidentally left on. His face lights up when I enter the room. He studies the Bible with me. He rescues me from whatever bug is in the room. He holds open the door for me (car too). He gives me back rubs for the pinched nerve in my neck, even when he is tired, but he know I’m in a lot of pain. He sacrifices for me. He spoils me, not with things, but with how awesome he treats me! Sorry it’s hard to keep this short…because I am so very blessed!!!!
  • Be more attentive/notice me more
  • NOTICE ME! (in a positive way) Include me Keep me company, especially when I’m doing something that stretches my competence Help me (I’m already alone roughly 12 hours a day–I don’t want to work alone, or to be “alone together” when he’s home) Pick me a single flower & deliver it with a smile Leave me love notes Give me his admiring look (“shine on me”) Playfully wink at me Keep me company, especially when I’m doing something that stretches my competence Dance with me Hold my hand Tuck me in Dress up for me Tell me I’m pretty/beautiful (especially specifics) Plan a romantic surprise for me (trail of rose petals, candles, fancy dishes, etc.)
  • He can use words of affirmation, letting me know I am beautiful and the only woman for him. I also love when he pursues me – This shows that he loves me too. I also tangibly see he loves me when he helps me with housework; yard work when I don’t have to ask to get something done.
  • Make love to me more (2) Times a week. We used to be emotional intimate which I personally feel brings us closer and is just as important as making love.
  • Notices my weakness and helps meet it- we just had our third baby and he’s done great about picking up slack around the house, encouraging me to nap, taking care of kids. Praise me/ appreciate the work I do Admires with his word and actions my (post-baby!) body Cares for our children well Shares his thoughts/feelings with me Faithfully goes to work to provide for us Makes it clear that his family comes before work. Comes home ready to help and eager to spend time with us Makes it clear that wanting sex is about wanted me, and intimacy with me, not about wanting a good time.
  • My husband could act like I matter; not take me for granted; and at least put me somewhere on his “list” of life….even the bottom would be a step up for me.
  • hug :), be patient with me – understand my moods, and forgive, forgive and accept again and again. This I admire in him and appreciate most – his ability to say what’s done is done, forgiven and forgotten, (unlike me, who keeps pondering on things). He loves me just as I am.
  • He could tell me what I mean to him. It just needs to be sincere.
  • Feeling appreciated. He thanks me for everything I do for him. Showing me physical affection.
  • He helps with house work, he always holds my hand, he opens doors for me, he always prays with me and kisses me goodnight. He never leaves the house without kissing me.
  • Touch – Hugs, holding hands, etc. Daily conversation/sharing. Helping out – everyday stuff or when he knows I just can’t do something. Weekly date night.
  • Speak to me with a kind tone of voice, avoiding as much as possible critical/judgmental and negative comments
  • More surprises more thoughtful gifts/cards He takes our son 1st thing and gives me a little lie in he bakes nice treats for us he tells me he loves me
  • He tells me I am beautiful many times throughout the day. He works from home and on the days he isn’t traveling for business, he gives me hugs and kisses (non-sexual affection) often thru the day. In recent years, he has made more of an effort to complete household tasks I ask of him in a timely manner (within 3 days). He consults with me regarding his schedule and plans. He includes me in all decision making. He speaks to me in a kind manner, with a nice tone of voice. We have had ups and downs throughout our marriage, in the bad times he has always been willing to work on emotional stuff, to change behavior and actions along with me. His effort shows me he is committed to our marriage 100% and that makes me feel very loved.
  • stop pressuring and controlling me
  • I would feel loved if he put me above himself. Right now it seems he loves me for what I do for him rather than loving me for me. Any change he makes to love me better isn’t about me, but about making his life easier because I complained of the lack and not because he wants to please me.
  • He could start by being faithful. But since it’s too late for that…. I’m not even sure how to answer this. 🙁
  • Acts of Service to/for me and be actively in relationship with a mentor and then actively involved mentoring. BTW, my hubby is an EXTREME introvert and a tad perfectionist.

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