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What’s Happening in Your Marriage Bed?

186 women and 414 men have answered
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  • Two thirds of couples include intercourse in at least 90% of their sex acts.
  • Ten percent of couples include intercourse less than half the time.
  • A note on gender differences – as is usual for our surveys, the men answering average more than a decade older than the women. This suggests the difference is an indication intercourse is somewhat less common for younger couples. However, examination of age based answers does not support this.

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  • About a third of women climax by his hand at least half the time.
  • About 40% of women climax by hand never or less than 10% of the time.

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  • Fifteen percent of men say they climax by her hand at least 50% of the time they have sex.
  • The gender differences here are very odd. Are men not calling it sex when it’s just manual sex for him?

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  • A third of women report having an orgasm orally at least half the time they have sex.
  • A quarter of women never have orgasm from oral stimulation, and a quarter do so less than half 10% of the time.

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  • Based on men’s reports, only 5% climax from oral at least half the time they have sex.
  • Half of men say they never climax by oral, while a third do so less than half the time.
  • As with manual sex for him, women report higher rates than men do. Looking at women’s answers by age does show his having an orgasm by oral sex is more common for younger couples.

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  • One women in six reported having an orgasm from a sex toy used by their husband at least half the time they had sex.
  • Half of women never climax this way.
  • Almost 20% climax this way less than 10% of the time.
  • As stated, this question would not include use of a vibrator between the couple during intercourse.

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  • This one was rare. Only 2% of men said it happens at least 50% of the time.
  • Fifteen percent said it happens less than 10% of the time, and 82% said it never happens.

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  • Eighteen percent of women say they self-stimulate to climax at least half the time they have sex.
  • Two thirds said this never happens, less than 10% of the time. (due to an error, “never” was left off.)
  • Younger women are much more likely to do this. This and the age difference of our male and female respondents explains most of the gender difference on this one.

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  • Nine percent of men said they climax by self-stimulation at least half the time they have sex.
  • Almost a two thirds of men said this never happens, and a quarter said it happens less than 10% of the time.

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  • A quarter of couples say sex is “just for him” at least half the time.
  • Ten percent say sex is never just for him, and 29% say it is just for him less than 10% of the time.
  • About a third say sex is just for him between 10% and 50% of the time.
  • Sex just for him was most common for those younger than 35, and decreasingly common with age.

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  • Eleven percent of women say sex is just for them at least half the time.
  • Slightly more than a third say this never happens, and a similar number say it happens less than 10% of the time.
  • Sex just for her is most common for women between 35 and 54 years of age.


  • The definition of “sex” was left open on this survey. The results suggest women see anything resulting in either spouse having climax as sex, while men have a narrower definition. Something for a future survey.
  • Some women climax more than one time in some acts, and sometimes the orgasms would come from different forms of stimulation. This does not skew any of the information above, but we did not ask about it.

Women’s Comments:

  • Questions are difficult to interpret.
  • We’re in our 50’s, first and only spouses, and we have recently had a revival in our bed. I checked “never” quite a few times, but that is because we still have a lot to learn. 🙂
  • I am easily and multiply (is that a word?) orgasmic from intercourse, so we always both climax from intercourse, even if I also climax a couple of times from oral or manual stimulation of from a vibrator as well. Typically, if we are having a full session, I will climax from intercourse then we will take a break while hubby does oral or uses his fingers or a toy to stimulate my G spot, and then we go back to intercourse again to finish. If we are having a quickie, we will just have intercourse to both climax.
  • The answer for us for #10 is ‘Never’, but there wasn’t that option. 😉
  • We have never used sex toys. Sex has always been about him but is slowly changing and getting better in the last few years since I found out about his pornography use. Totally devastating but our marriage is better than ever. Now DH struggles with low desire, low testosterone and ED and my sex drive has gone through the roof. Extremely frustrating and hard on my self-esteem…as if the pornography didn’t totally destroy that already. It’s been a rough few years.
  • Sex just for him is never the intent although it mostly ends up that way. I have a higher drive so I always want to be involved.
  • Use of toys is usually by wife on self during mutual activity
  • Extremely unhappy with our sex life and don’t know what to do about it anymore. He doesn’t care enough to try to fix it.
  • When a wife is not a priority in the marriage, she’s not going to be a priority in the bedroom.
  • We love sex and go out of our way to make sure it’s good all the time I just love to watch him climax. Oral sex is very intimate very good way to say I love u
  • The percentage span, seems too large. Sex is just for him when I have my period, no PIV, MS or OS, usually a combination. Difficult to figure out what percentage that is.
  • We have sex about 10 to 12 times a month and except for a couple hand jobs that are primarily for his release, we always end up having intercourse, even if it starts out to be a “just for me” night. On “just for me” nights, my DH will often give me a foot massage after dinner and continue with a back massage when we go to bed. That usually progresses to include lower and upper legs and bum. After some anal play and clitoris stimulation I have a strong need for something inside me. My DH will use a couple fingers to massage my G-spot and the walls of my vagina but, even though I climax, I still feel empty. I’ve even completely inserted a Lelo Liv 2 while having an orgasm but I still want my DH in me. While the other things are pleasurable, nothing gives me the satisfying feeling of being one with my DH like the fullness of him inside me and the sensation of his ejaculations.
  • #10 had no “never” option like the other questions. My answer would be never.
  • Other than an occasional hand job just for my DH, we always have intercourse though we don’t always end that way. I love the sensation of feeling my husband’s pulsing ejaculations when he orgasms whether in my vagina, hand or mouth. So I don’t know if that makes it for me or for him.
  • This isn’t something we track regularly so I’m just giving my best guess at an average. We don’t have many ‘quickies’ so most of our love making lasts about 45 minutes and the time he’s penetrating me with his penis could be anywhere from 4 or 5 minutes to 20 to 30 minutes. My answers to some of the climax questions over lapped since I often climax several times from manual, oral or a vibrator or a combination of all before penetration. Sometimes there is no penetration and I finish him manually or orally. Unless I am not in the mood for penetration, and that’s rare, and I’m just doing a hand job, I always feel that sex is just for me but I try to make sure that my DH feels that sex is just for him. I would never let it happen that DH doesn’t finish with a strong orgasm. It’s a win-win.
  • 100% of the time, we aim to climax together. I do require manual stimulation during intercourse to do so. We don’t believe sex toys are appropriate. We will play around, using manual and oral, but always end with intercourse.
  • Intent is always for him to climax, which is fine with me (wife) wouldn’t wanna get him riled up for nothing! But much focus is spent on me climaxing several times first, before he does.
  • Most of the time, our sexual activity includes oral sex for both parties and intercourse for climax. The oral part gets us both to the edge, and the intercourse gets hot and steamy which makes climax so much more intense for both. Quality sex is when you are not only connected physically, but emotionally and spiritually. By praying and doing devotions together each morning, kissing throughout the day when we can, then being focused on each other’s desires during oral sex, the intercourse climax reaches ultimate highs because we are in the best spot, 100% connected on every level. Greatest sex of my life, even after 10 years together!!!
  • Wish husbands didn’t want to just hop on top immediately and stick it in w absolutely no regard to the wives needs to feel loved and soothed before just feeling like an object.
  • There was not an option for manual stimulation of the wife by her husband. We do that almost every time and I usually climax that way before we start actual intercourse. I then will usually have another climax from intercourse, as well as my husband.
  • He has removed oral and manual from our sexual repertoire, so I answered when it used to happen. In our 13 years of marriage, sex for me, the wife has only happened once. For him? At least 1/3-2/3 of the time. I sorely wish he’d be more desirous of giving me pleasure.
  • Her climax is reached 70-90% of the time by a combination of intercourse & stimulation of her clitoris, manually either by him or her.
  • These questions were hard to answer, the wording makes it confusing and it appears that some questions were asked more than once.
  • Usually we both climax. Not at the same time, but we both try to make sure we are each completely satisfied.
  • Number 11 was supposed to be never but it wasn’t listed.
  • Not sure what the difference is between oral sex and oral stimulation. And why does question #11 not have ‘never’ as an option.
  • Why does #11 not have a “never” option? Oral and manual stimulation is used as foreplay. Almost all of the time we end with intercourse. It seems to be the most satisfying for both of us. I don’t think my spouse would ever be satisfied with sex “just for her”. He always has to climax. I also need to climax at least 90% of the time or I am left feeling frustrated and short-changed.
  • What about metal climax?

Men’s Comments:

  • I answered on the basis of how often climaxed from a particular sex act and not how often the method of sex act used to climax.
  • 20 years of marriage next month (high school sweethearts who have been together for almost 24 years…) and we recently grew more diverse in our sexual relationship… Oral sex is just now on the “regular” menu and its opening the door to do waaaaaay more “freaky stuff” as well..! We just hit the 40’s (we were 16 and 17 when we met…) And I am glad we saved the “good stuff” for our golden years…. This is gonna be niiiiiiiice….!
  • I know. The %’s don’t add up. We do almost everything you listed almost every time we have sex. Manual on each other (at the same time, or alternating) Vibrators (mostly on her, sometimes on me) Oral, (alternating on each other) One rule, She will NOT allow me to climax in her mouth. Once I get close, she finishes me with her hand, or wants me in her vagina to finish. I would like to finish orally once in a while but would never force her to. She pleasures me in so many other ways, I can let this one thing remain in the realm of fantasy. She loves to receive oral with fingers inside. often achieving multiple orgasms this way. Then often asking me to finish inside her. If a husband or wife asks for variety, don’t say no, say I’ll try. It may be awkward, or you may both decide not to do it again. BUT you may find you love it!!!!
  • She has no desire to orgasm. And that’s all I have wanted from our sex lives for some time now. I am at a lost now and take what she will give – duty sex.
  • My wife is not interested in oral sex for herself and rarely does it for me. She also will never let me bring her to climax without me in her. Finally she rarely lets me perform foreplay on her because she gets aroused so quickly she does not want it. Sex 90% of the time involves some passionate kissing and straight to intercourse. It boring but better than being sexless like we used to be. Quantity over quality
  • My wife climaxes easily, and has multiple orgasms from intercourse, so we almost always have intercourse when we make love. Even when I bring her to climax orally or manually in a session, we still have intercourse and she orgasms again a couple of times from that.
  • Some misc thoughts. I said that we do manual on her to climax sometimes, but really that’s only with oral also. So which is it? Oral or manual to climax? Similarly, pretty much the only time I use a toy on her is when I’m giving oral also. We pretty never have sex explicitly for me. I do, maybe once per month, initiate sex specifically informing her that it will be just for her, but I can only think of two times that she didn’t offer to take care of me afterward anyway. We are trying to work on her ability to climax during intercourse and are getting better at it, but at least 3/4 of the time she is still climaxing with oral.
  • I wish my wife would let me climax from manual stimulation.
  • Been married almost 18 years, she’s never had an orgasm. Issues, Ya know.
  • Point no 10 the “never ” is missing. So the less than 10 % is actually never
  • I would dearly love to give my darling wife anything she desires, and often offer, but get turned down about 70% of the time due to her not being “in the mood” or “climaxing being too much work” or “taking too long”. I have had very good feedback on my technique and she states that she enjoys it immensely every time. My spouse is a very goal-directed person, which may be part of the problem. I do wish things would change because I would enjoy making love so much more if it’s not all about me. Maybe in a couple years’ time…
  • My wife only has sex with me out of “obligation”. I would like it to be for fun but she doesn’t want to talk about sex at all. Very frustrating.
  • You didn’t ask a question to find out how many women are able to climax solely from intercourse.
  • She’s good about making sure my higher drive is satisfied but her lower drive is hard to accept. I try to be a good lover but most times she asks for the vibrator because it’s easier for her. It’s really difficult to not be able to satisfy her orally or manually. I love to do it but it takes too long and she gets tired/frustrated and asks for the vibrator. I dream of being able to easily bring her to climax orally, manually, and with intercourse.
  • In my committed marriage of 20+ years, the experience only gets better with time.
  • #10 has no “never” option. Kind of hard to put % on some of these things because we’re not taking notes during. Honestly I’d wish she’s let me spend more time on her. That’s what really gets me turned on. Also, she climaxes several times (normally) when she does so that kind of makes it hard to do %. Was it me, was it the toy, etc. Also, no question in climaxing from intercourse. When she gets in to sex that normally happens too. Would be interesting to know the % of how many men don’t climax from intercourse too. I haven’t been able to some times and I know there’s others out there, but would reassure some men there’s nothing wrong with them if they see those results.
  • Would be sexless if I wasn’t persistent.
  • What if sex isn’t taking place in the relationship anymore or one or the other masturbates by themselves (as a result of no sex in the relationship)
  • In the last year of our 60s, we’ve had to make some “adjustments”. In many ways it’s as good as it ever was. Not as often for either of us, but Quality far exceeds what Quantity used to provide.
  • The woman should be well on her way to a second orgasm before the man finishes is my philosophy! Manual and oral stimulation are not optional!!
  • I think for wording of this question you should include a time frame like “in the last year”.
  • Most of the time both of us climax from intercourse.
  • Very difficult to answer these when the wife has a plethora of excuses why she can’t make love to her husband.
  • Wife is possibly asexual, has no desire or drive for sex. We usually have intercourse once or twice a week for my benefit.
  • My wife doesn’t believe in sex toys or oral sex. She only done oral sex on me once in which she stop after 30 seconds.
  • We don’t use sex toys…yet.
  • My wife climaxes from intercourse about 70 – 80% of the time.
  • #4 and 6 are done in unison #10 did not include ‘Never’ so I had to pick the closest option
  • Always the same. She is the Gatekeeper.
  • In her words: “Sex sucks”. Would LOVE to try toys – she is not interested. She SAYS she wants to enjoy sex, but isn’t really interested in trying anything new. We’re [SLOWLY] going through an online course. Am mildly hopeful things can change. We need outside help, but she [again] is not interested.
  • Near sexless marriage so this may skew the stats.
  • My wife is not comfortable with her own bits enough to even let me touch them. So it is pretty much intercourse only with kissing and some fondling of my parts. Oral sex for me happens on perhaps a special occasion but is never to a climax. This is actually very frustrating. I feel very guilty about sex not being a mutually giving experience.
  • 21 years of a rocky marriage including an affair she won’t admit to I feel I have to please her so she will want and desire me to the point I have trouble enjoying the moment and feeling connected I now this makes me insecure but I can’t get her to deal with the past and am fighting a daily struggle to give up
  • Number 10 should read ‘never’ for me. I would love to give her satisfaction that is just for her without my ‘satisfaction’, but she won’t let me. Even ‘intercourse’ is more me relieving myself than her ‘giving’ me anything. The only thing she really gives – at the moment – is her body for me to use. I must confess, I don’t like the idea.
  • My wife hates intimacy.
  • #10 would have been “never” if an option.
  • Seems strange you left out Never for question #10. Can’t remember a time ever that she climaxed from self-stimulation.
  • DW doesn’t allow oral; doesn’t want to receive and will not give. Manual stimulation is often needed for climax, although we do now have a toy that works well.
  • Not too much sex or intimacy anymore for our marriage bed. Wife has fibromyalgia, as well as other mental and physical issues that she has been unwilling to admit and address. As such, she is now truly the gatekeeper and we’re down to about 1/year (from x/week). So we’ve gone from a pretty good relationship overall to almost as bad as could be. Discussions have been close to pointless, as she does not recognize the elephant in the room. She introduced me to TMB, but dropped your wife’s message (“just too crazy”).
  • She doesn’t go for oral on her and won’t do oral till climax on me, but that’s okay. Most sex we have revolves around doing things she wants or likes… And I go along for the ride. But there’s no question I get what I need. She’s very intentional to make sure I climax.
  • I’m definitely the higher drive spouse so I usually don’t need much in the way of foreplay to get me there. She will do some oral and manual on me, but never to my climax which I like to save for intercourse. I try to make sure she orgasms by manual or oral before intercourse and then she usually climaxes again from that. So far I think we both are pretty satisfied, but I would like to mix things up a bit. I would like to climax to oral or manual without feeling as though I’m ”cheating” her out of intercourse. At 47, don’t know if I could climax twice in that short of refractory.
  • Wish I could give her more, but she really doesn’t seem interested in climaxing. Or doesn’t want to take the time to try.
  • My wife refused to give or receive oral sex. She does not stimulate me manually beyond giving me an erection. She believe I should climax from intercourse only. She has me use the vibrator on her and on very rare occasions will take control of it to finish. Sex has become very routine and she feels no need to change that. It is very frustrating. She believes a number of things are “wrong” even in marriage.
  • I am not sure how many times she has it “just for me” Sometimes I suspect it is a great deal of the time, but she almost always wants to “finish” by the time we are done
  • Question 10 didn’t list “Never” for her, so it was impossible to mark it correctly
  • I would like for sex to be focused just on her sometimes, but every time we start that way she ends up resuming her favorite position on top of me.
  • Question 10 is missing “never” response. I answered less than 10% but the real answer is never
  • We’ve rarely tried different positions. Within the last two years, I’d say, we’ve gone almost completely to the standard missionary or reverse missionary position. But there’s other factors at work here and I wouldn’t say it’s a rut. More like a complicated rut.
  • #10 should be never
  • My wife I willing to have sex as long as i let her know ahead of time. I would live to dive into the oral or bring her to orgasms by hand but she is not willing now. Always hope and pray that will change.
  • we’re in a season of life where we do what works for us in terms of getting intimate time and orgasms. Although when our kids were younger and were more easily entertained and got to bed earlier, we were able to take more time for sex and enjoyed fairly easy orgasms, these days, we tend to use the vibrator most of the time to get her there and intercourse is also much less frequent because of health issues she’s experiencing. It’s still sex, though, and we get to it several times a week.
  • Some things we used to enjoy such as oral for him or her just don’t happen so much anymore, or are just a part of foreplay, not the main event.
  • My wife can climax very easily from intercourse alone, so that’s her main desire. Other things (oral) etc. Happen but not often.
  • I love pleasing my wife, nothing makes me happier than knowing she’s satisfied. I continue to go above and beyond to please her in hopes that every once in a while she would return the favor and do something special for me (hands, mouth) anything out of the ordinary. And I also just really love her body and enjoy getting to explore it all. She assumes as long as I climax that’s all that matters. Sometimes I wish I could just get a good HJ or BJ..
  • She can take it or leave it. Though she gets that I desire more than her, so she does try. I don’t think she believes sex can ever be about her having pleasure because it’s ALL about the relationship–anything more than relationship is wrong. Therefore, positions–irrelevant–missionary works just fine, variety–irrelevant–be content with what you got, oral–irrelevant–missionary works just fine, toys–not necessary if not sinful. Frequency is relevant if only to keep me from doing something on my own. Sex can never ever be just about pleasure because then it’s just “sex” and not “making love” and just “sex” is wrong (all her words).
  • DW has been clear that she truly does not desire to climax at every encounter. If she did, I would be more than happy to oblige!
  • We use lots of manual stimulation and oral stimulation. She normally climaxes from manual although she can from oral or intercourse in the right positions. My wife normally climaxes multiple times 3 to 5 normally and often gushes – wets the sheets or a towel (not a washcloth). In my case I can reach orgasm from manual or oral, but my wife feels cheated and unloved if I do not reach climax during intercourse. She has brought me to climax orally and with her hand, but she does not want to do that. She would rather have intercourse when she is not in the mood than bring me to full climax in any other fashion.
  • My wife love oral and i love to give it. I am so-so about receiving it, she is not inclined to it. we don’t use toys – I usually spend a lot of time in foreplay with her to orgasm, taking my slow time (20-30 min’s) and she really enjoys that. and so do I!
  • #10 is actually never, option not available.
  • She’s more likely to make sex just for me than to let me make it just for her.
  • Does manual stimulation mean hand or penis to vagina? I answered penis to vagina.
  • Q10 – we often have sex (50% of the time) & I climax, she then self stimulates to orgasm with a vibrator. I don’t really mind since we’ve both had an orgasm, but I’d prefer to be able to bring her to orgasm myself (ideally through foreplay/oral/intercourse). Still working towards that goal & hoping to reach it regularly someday 🙂
  • No intercourse for four years. Only foreplay and oral but only for her. Only she has orgasm when we play. I have to finish myself after she falls asleep.
  • We have fairly plain sex. Not to say it’s bad, because it’s not. There just isn’t much variety. There is no climaxing other than with intercourse. I would love to venture out more and try doing something besides our usual routine. Just seems there isn’t much energy or desire on her part. She is open to conversation so I feel like I’ll be able to open up and discuss this with her eventually.
  • The wording on these questions was confusing, to clarify, many of the questions when taken vaguely as I think they were intended are correctly answered by the 10% or lower answer in our case. However, the confusion is that when I (the hubs) give her oral, she climaxes 100% of the time, but given the question of when we have sex, oral or toys or any of the other question happen much less than 10% of the time because she is not interested. So I don’t want it to appear that she has difficulty climaxing from oral or toys for example, because she does not have any difficulty there. The difficulty is that these things happen so rarely compared the number of times we have sex. You also did not give a “never” option for self-manual stimulation by her, it just gave me 10% or less, but never would have been the best answer to this one in our case as well, since she does not touch herself for pleasure.
  • I’ve offered a just for her but, she always wants me to climax as well.
  • To be honest, I had difficulty understanding some of the questions here. For example, the percent of time she reaches orgasm from oral sex (questions 5 and 8 which appear to be duplicates) is nearly every time she receives oral sex, however if the question is instead what percentage of her orgasm come from oral sex, then the percentage is lower. Further if the question is: “given all the times that we have sex, what percentage of those times include orgasm from oral sex” then we have a third measure. I think that statistically, you’re going to have a wide variety as these questions aren’t really written clearly enough.
  • Most of the time, when we play, she will climax around 3 times with toys, and then we switch to intercourse or oral sex for me. She never finishes me with oral, only manual or intercourse.
  • Sex is always intercourse. Oral sex never performed in him. Always performed on her.
  • After 30 years of marriage and lots of hills and valleys sex is almost always something that is mutual and most often leads to orgasm during intercourse for both of us. As oral sex is almost always a part of our lovemaking, she often has at least one orgasm during oral sex (usually 69) before intercourse. We have, in the last year or 2 incorporated toys into our lovemaking and they range from vibrators that they both use on her to anal stimulators that used on both of us. In the last year she has finally allowed me to do some anal play and that has led to her discovering how much she enjoys my oral and digital stimulations there as well as some anal toys. I would love to get to the point where we can enjoy double penetration with me and a vibrator. We have tried this with a small anal vibrator but our problem always is keeping it in her anus.
  • After we have intercourse, my wife loves to lay down and have me suck on her breasts while she rubs her clit and I finger her. She can get an orgasm through intercourse but gets even more orgasms after intercourse. I can get her to orgasm orally pretty quickly. She has never allowed to finish whenever she performs oral.
  • 90+ % of time both partners are stimulated with oral sex before intercourse.
  • Oral sex is common for the husband, but he usually can’t orgasm that way. Wife uses vibrator on herself when we incorporate it, usually I engage in breast play while she does that. Sex toy play is almost always after intercourse as a final release for her, rarely is it on its own.
  • I feel like we have a great balance of ‘just for me’ or ‘just for her’, including those things that the other partner isn’t as interested in. We’re also happily able to put off the other if one of us really isn’t in the mood, which eliminates a lot of hurt feelings.
  • Oral for him never happens. Oral for her is rare and even more rare for her to allow it to result in climax. Wish desperately that both were more even if just a little.





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