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Fantasies about others?

117 women and 253 men have answered
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  • This was more common for men than women; the numbers were not as far apart as the media would have us think.
  • Fifty-three percent of women and 40% of men have not had a fantasy about a person other than their spouse in the last month.
  • Frequent fantasy of this sort was almost identical for men and women, at 16% and 15% respectively.
  • In men low or no fantasy about others was most common for those married 10-19 years. Those married longer and shorter times were more likely to have such fantasies, with the most recently married and longest married being the least likely to have not has such thoughts.
  • For women fantasies about others were least common for those married less than 10 years. After 10 years, rates of women having such fantasies grew steadily.

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  • This is a new question we are adding to some surveys to see how being a Christian affects what people do and think. We are still working on wording for this.
  • It seems Christian faith is important to most who answered. Ninety-two percent of men and 93% of women said they were at least moderately serious about their faith.

Faith and fantasy

  • The more serious a man was about his faith, the more likely he was to say he had not had a fantasy about another woman in the last month. From least serious to most serious the number of men who has not had such fantasies went from 17% to 25% to 44%.
  • Having one wrong fantasy in a month was not clearly matched with faith level.
  • For 13-30 wrong fantasies a month and more than 30 a month there was no clear trend. (In part this is due to low numbers of respondents in these areas.)
  • More serious faith meant a man was less likely to be in the 2-6 & 7-15 times a month category.
  • Women who were most serious about their faith were more likely to have had no fantasies about others in the last month, but the impact was modest with 55% saying no such fantasy versus 44% of women who said their faith was moderately or less important to them.

© surveymonkey.com

  • Women who fantasise about other men were three times more likely to do it during marital sex than men who fantasise about other women. Factoring in the numbers on those who do not have such fantasies, 10% of all the men and 24% of all the women sometimes think of someone else during sex with their spouse
  • Men’s lack of fantasy about others during sex with their wife is not Because men are so about the physical, their mind is on the women with them when they have sex.
  • Sinful fantasy being triggered by seeing someone sexy was more common for men at 43% versus 26% for women.
  • Boredom was a much greater trigger for men, with 35% versus 19% of women reporting wrong sinful fantasy due to being bored.
  • Other reasons for women include dreams (which some continue to build after waking) and when having sexual problems with their husband.
  • Other reasons for men include after being refused, when lonely, and dreams.
  • Seventy-four percent of men and 34% of women said more sex meant less fantasy about others.

© surveymonkey.com

  • The 8% of women who said more sex meant more fantasy about others is mostly due to the fact these women think about others when they have sex with their spouse.
  • Men who think of other women during sex with their wife did so less when they have more sex with their wife.

Women’s Comments

  • I only fantasize about my husband and what we can do sexually together to make it even better and more fulfilling.
  • It’s a habit I want to kick, for sure. It’s never a fantasy about anyone specific. More along the lines of fantasizing about a sexy situation, or the kind of sex I wish we could have. Still working on it! My husband is amazing–we just need to be more intentional about learning what is best for each other sexually.
  • My husband is unfortunately very restrictive, vanilla, and limiting in the bedroom. There’s virtually no foreplay and if I take longer than 5 minutes, he starts to get bored and frustrated, so I resorted to fantasizing about more erotic things, including sinful situations, in order to get aroused faster and stay aroused over his annoyed sighs and other arousal-killing responses from him. I am working on recovering from this because I know it is wrong. I only climax, now, if I am aroused enough on my own to not have to rely on fantasy, or I fantasize about hubby only. I may not be climaxing as much as I used to, but an infrequent sinless climax is better than frequent sinful ones.
  • I find that when I fantasize about others it has more to do with me feeling less than anything sexual.
  • What!? Not ok!
  • I don’t have fantasy about anyone specific but sometimes during sex I find myself fantasizing that I am having sex with someone else. I know it’s wrong but it turns me on.
  • I just fantasize that my husband would make love to me. I desire him greatly but has forced me into a sexless marriage. It has, at this point, been more than a year since the last time. He says I have a problem because I’m over sexed. Just how can that be? He says he has no interest in sex and that’s the way it is. There can be no discussion about it. Usually I feel there is something wrong with me. Why would I still desire my husband who seemingly despises me? I have ceased approaching him for sex because I can no longer handle the rejection. Now if only I could cease desiring lovemaking.
  • The initial thought seems to come out of the blue and I am now recognizing it as a spiritual attack.
  • I sometimes unconsciously dream about other men, or when I’m awake I sometimes have unwanted thoughts.. but I try to dismiss the thoughts before they turn into fantasy.
  • Thinking of some one else helps with sex with me husband at times as he is fat and dull but I do love me and he loves me our sex is good at least 2 times a week
  • It is the only way I can reach climax since I was very young.
  • It is not right to fantasize about anyone else other than your spouse. It is emotional and mental adultery.
  • All of my fantasies are not based upon someone I know personally but rather my version of hotness I have made up in my mind.
  • This is a choice: if it just happens to pop into your head (I had this problem a couple years back), it’s a choice to either keep playing the fantasy or not. Or, you are choosing to just blatantly think of someone other than your spouse. It’s not alright at all to do that.
  • I feel it’s a sin if you’re fantasizing about someone other than your spouse.

Men’s Comments

  • In pain and loneliness, about every 6 weeks, I look at porn. This is triggered when my wife says no yet again to what she knows would please me and tries to substitute something she’s knows does not but demands that I be grateful when she opens the intimacy gate just a little and then slams it shut quickly again even when we are still having sex. You will not believe me but I do NOT fantasize about having sex with the women I see in porn. I used to when I was a teenager. I stopped all porn for 23 years, from before I met my DW until just a few years ago. I had oral sex once as a teenager. I never had intercourse until my wedding night. After endless refusal of real intimacy and just having quickie sex without any give/take at learning to truly pleasure each other, I sometimes resort to porn. I see them as beautiful and attractive but also not behaving as they should (showing their bodies). I talk to God before/during/after viewing. I do not say it is right. But sometimes I am grateful there are women that clearly enjoy sex and having men enjoy watching their enjoyment. Condemn me if you wish. I do NOT envision having sex with them. I pray every time that my wife would want to enjoy sex with me that way and I fantasize about DW (or sometimes some faceless woman) wanting me while I masturbate.
  • A definition of “fantasy”. To me it would include dwelling on sexual thoughts for pleasure more than simply a passing sexual thought. I have many passing thoughts throughout any day but I am able to consciously put an end to that train of thought. Unfortunately, I do still stumble and fantasize about other women (probably 1-3 times per month on average) during masturbation. It typically involves activities that I know will never happen in real life, such as a three-way. I feel terrible for allowing these thoughts and continue to work to end them.
  • I think we all have fantasies about others – it’s just the flesh / temptation. Just need to dismiss them and get back to being grateful for my wife and our relationship, focus on she and I. Temptation will come but we need to bring all our thoughts under the lordship of Jesus. Once you learn to dismiss those thoughts quickly and focus on your spouse, you begin to understand why fidelity is so important, even in your heart.
  • Why would I want to?
  • I have struggled with porn for over 30 years. On again off again I would fall into that sin. When I do fantasize it always starts with my wife. And most times it stays there, thinking about our past intimacy. But with all of the porn baggage sometimes, it will flash into my mind other images that I work hard to throw away. These images are just quick flashes that are here and by God’s grace they are taken captive and tossed aside and my mind is back on my wife. So even though my fantasies surround my wife and our love life I still feel those images of others are sinful if I stay with them.
  • I make sure any fantasies are about my wife, and about the “real” her. Imagining her doing things she would never do is fantasizing about someone else too.
  • Although it has decreased dramatically in the last month I would frequently have fantasies that I would actually write into erotic stories. The bad part was that once these stories got into my head they wouldn’t leave it until I had written them down. Unfortunately this activity had increased to the point that it was affecting my job performance and my marriage. For the past month or so I have managed to push these fantasies back and have not felt the urge to write the stories but it has been a struggle. I should not be doing this activity since I head up a local Celebrate Recovery ministry at my church. Sometimes I think that it is Satan’s attack on me for trying to help others with their hurts, habits and hang-ups. Since I lead this ministry I feel that I have no one to talk to about my issue. I had started attending Celebrate Recovery for my porn addiction several years ago.
  • Fantasies is a relative term. Seldom do I imagine long drawn out scenarios about others, it’s more like quick visuals. I wouldn’t say that Appreciation of beauty or visual sexual attractiveness of other women not my spouse is necessarily “fantasizing”. When I do imagine sexual scenes, it’s most often replays of past experiences with my wife.
  • I may see other women as attractive, and even a pleasure to look at. but I don’t fantasize about them if. I have a fantasy I’d rather my wife be the focus of it, it only makes her more desirable and attractive to me, and that’s how I want to see her in my mind.
  • When you put all your sexual energy into your wife… why would you fantasize about anyone else? She is more than enough woman for me!
  • I find it very difficult to think about someone other than my wife when we’re engaged in sexual activity.
  • I do fantasize about my bride in a variety of sexual scenarios and activities. Just have never gotten her to play in almost 25 years of marriage.
  • To busy concentrating on the one I am with!
  • When I was younger I would fantasize about previous lovers, never while I was with my wife only solo. My wife has been the biggest sexual turn on for me ever. Now if I have them it is more like I am visualizing some other women or circumstance but it always seems to end up being my wife. I t is strange and hard to explain.
  • If my spouse wasn’t like a beached whale in bed I would fantasize about anyone else. Our sex life is an ordeal.
  • It’s definitely easier to resist the temptations if it’s been 2 days or less since I’ve been with my wife. It gets really hard to resist after a week, and almost impossible after two weeks. I’ve tried to help her understand, but I think it’s a completely foreign concept to her. Intellectually she understands, but because her body and mind don’t work that way, it’s harder for her to truly understand. 1 Corinthians 7:5
  • When I fantasize about other people, neither one of us is in the fantasy. It is always two people I do not know. I believe this is because of how beat down I feel about my sexuality, and the fact that DW is never interested but will give me duty sex occasionally.
  • I live in a sexless marriage
  • Even when we have had struggled, (and right now is one of those times) I never fantasize of anyone else. I think about sex with her. I think about being able to do things with her that we don’t currently do. I think about doing things with her that we used to do and I’d love to do again. But fantasies of others dint happen.
  • They’re never creative fantasies. They’re just recalling past encounters.
  • I find other women attractive, but when I fantasize it’s always about my wife. I can’t claim any sort of moral superiority; she’s just always been enough to keep me interested in her alone.
  • This is a temptation I am conscious of and do not allow to progress.
  • I don’t think my personal sex fantasies are actually about sex but about connection / loneliness
  • I fantasize about my spouse much more than about others, but when it has been a few days and I’m “feeling the need”, I catch myself looking or thinking sometimes. I try and push those thoughts away but it seems like all we see is meant to make some model/actress/etc look sexy and provocative. I’ve stopped watching many of the television shows my wife likes to watch simply because of the incredible amount of sexual content in prime time TV. I’ve never had luck explaining how that affects a man to her, and so if she wants me to sit with her I will play on my phone and lay my head in her lap, or face away from the TV on the opposite side of the couch…
  • You can train yourself not to do this it simply takes effort.
  • As we grow in Christ, it has opened up intimacy issues. We are going through a rough time where she is having problems with desire for me. I have overcome lust issues, but they are returning with this. I am hoping it is her birth control IUD to be removed in a few months. I am hoping and praying that things get better. This is very troubling, even though we feel good about connecting more spiritually.
  • I suppose it depends on how much deliberate effort is included in your definition of fantasy.
  • Have found that I can avoid most of the tendencies by praying for the person. It’s hard to lust after someone you are asking a blessing for.
  • When I catch myself fantasizing about someone else, I make an extra effort to redirect those thoughts to fantasies of my spouse, reminding myself of good sexual experiences with her and reliving them in my memory.
  • Sexless marriage for ,3 years
  • I work hard not to fantasize about other women but sometimes I cannot help but do so.
  • Sadly my wife has refused me for going on 20 years now. Before I was delivered from porn use I frequently fantasized about images I had seen when I masturbated. Now when I have to take care of things I try to only think of having sex with my wife.
  • I find my fiance so appealing, that there doesn’t seem to be a reason to fantasize. Admittedly there are other attractive people, but they’re just people, there is no connection and the connection that comes from real relationship is what makes my fiance’ more than worth fantasizing about.
  • I try to focus all my sexual energy, including fantasies, on my wife, though I sometimes do sin and think of others. But I never think of others during sex.





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