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Biggest Sex Problem

112 women and 391 men have answered

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  • Two-thirds of men and 45% of women said “Not enough sex” was a problem.
  • Too tired was voiced by 55% of women and 41% of men.
  • Too busy was a problem for 31% of men and 30% of women.
  • Fifty-two percent of men but only 28% of women thought a lack of variety was a problem.
  • Female arousal problems were cited by 41% of men and 24% of women.
  • Female orgasm difficulty was listed by 24% of women and 12% of men.
  • Thirty-three percent of men and 13% of women listed sexual refusal as a problem.
  • Twenty-five percent of men and 22% of women said her body image was an issue.
  • Premature ejaculation was listed by 17% of men, but only 4% of women.
  • Erectile difficulty was a problem according to 13% of both genders.
  • Seventeen percent of women and 15% of men said relationship problems were a concern.
  • Sixteen percent of women and 12% of men said they were not connecting non-sexually.
  • His porn use was a problem according to 17% of women and 12% of men.
  • Note” Somehow “Past abuse, her” didn’t make the final survey.

Age related findings:

  • The youngest women were the most likely to say body image was a problem, with each increasing age group having fewer women listing it.
  • Women listed arousal difficulty with increasing frequency as they aged, going from 15% at age 25-34 up to 50% for those 55 and over.
  • Busyness and too tired were somewhat less common for women as they got older.
  • For men too busy and too tired dropped more than for women with increased age. Those 55 and over were half as likely to list these as the youngest men.
  • For men erectile difficulty was very much age related, being 5% for men 25-44, 15% for men 45-54, and 33% for men 55 and over.
  • Premature ejaculation rates were fairly steady, with a slight increase for the 35-44 age range.
  • Male orgasm difficulty was rare for those under 45, and about 5% for those 45 and older.
  • Men’s complaints about insufficient sex dropped with age, but just barely, from 74% down to 64%.

Women’s Comments:

  • Should include Male desire problems. My husband would often rather sleep than have sex, and says he does not think about sex as much or as often as he used to. We are both 59 and have been married 38 years.
  • I wouldn’t say we have relationship problems or that we don’t connect non-sexually, but my mother, who has dementia, now lives with us so privacy is an issue — even having a private conversation is difficult. Sex now has to be scheduled and is much less frequent than before mum came to live here. This is due to the fact that he leaves for work early in the morning and I’m not a morning person. Before, we could have dinner when we wanted and do other things, like making love, any time we wanted. Now, because of her daily routine, he is often asleep by the time she goes to bed (thus keeping me up) and I, of course, am asleep when he gets up in the morning. We are now confined to our bedroom, and only on Friday or Saturday nights, where before any time of day, in any room, was good for us!
  • I would like more sex, he’s happy with less. He has health issues he is avoiding taking care of which is affecting not only our sex life but entire relationship. I cannot encourage him enough to seek medical care. He refuses as he doesn’t feel he has a problem. (Diabetes, sleep apnoea, hypertension, cardiac chest pain)
  • None apply but it wouldn’t let me finish so I choose body image because I don’t like myself but I seem to forget about my dislike once he touches me.
  • I selected past porn use him and body image her as my only 2 “issues” but we’ve mostly worked through the past porn use over the last year and my body image isn’t HORRIBLE…we are very blessed. Reading your blog has helped us a lot, thank you.
  • In almost 32 years of marriage, we have overcome all our issues except my body confidence thing. My husband tells me how much he loves my body but a part of me still struggles to accept this. That is the only issue because apart from that our sex life is happy, content, active and the best it’s ever been.
  • I wish my husband would want sex more than he does. I want to feel needed and beautiful but it seems he can go for a week or more at times without wanting sex. I would love to have sex more often.
  • Husband is insulin dependent, with ed. I have constant pain due to scoliosis and spinal stenosis. We are both willing but must be more willing to try other things. Oral sex and 69 has become a favorite. When you are determined to not let Satan steal the joy and pleasure of sex, he loses. Because sex and orgasms are not guaranteed any more, we are not complacent. We both work hard to create private time and a loving, romantic environment. Our relationship is now better than ever. We will celebrate 28 years married this summer. God gives such amazing, wonderful gifts!
  • My husband told me that if there wasn’t sex there wasn’t a reason to be married. That is my reason for initiating sex as offense as possible. I read and put into practice Godly ways to be a better wife but we’d is just sex. How do we get to decimal intimacy?
  • We have small children. I know it’s a season and we both try to keep things in perspective. He’s a great dad…I think I’m a pretty good mom…but we are still trying to figure out how to be husband and wife again. One of my biggest fears is that we’ll look up in 20 years and both of us realize we’re living with a stranger.
  • Slight loss of flexibility due to age and/or weight gain.
  • I think “Past Abuse – her” should have been included in the list. For obvious reasons.
  • I’d love to have sex WAY more often than we do. My husband falls asleep very early every night (he does go to work very early) – and we have a very tiny house (no privacy). Plus I’m pretty sure he only has sex with me because he’s “supposed to”. He does not seem as interested in sex with me as normal men are with their wives. This tells me I’m not good enough, and that makes me feel worthless.
  • There’s not a box for out of sync…I want better quality and he’s satisfied with the same routine over and over. I’m motivated to improve quality and he’s simply not.
  • It’s so hard because I’m working day and night, literally. I hope this crazy schedule changes soon. I miss my husband.
  • In the middle of the little years. Time and energy are hard to come by in order to have a much quality sex as we’d both prefer.
  • Sadly just seeing this list and what I have marked makes me feel overwhelmed to even try to work on some of these issues. One problem area that is missing from the list is “childhood sexual abuse”. Unfortunately many women (and men) can suffer their whole lives because of that horrific memory.
  • I really wish we had more sex. I pray for it and hope for it. We have sex regularly but being the higher drive spouse, dealing with the refusal and feeling like something is wrong with me for wanting more sex hurts. He does great at trying to feel the need, but I know he looks at porn and sometimes I wonder if that is affecting his drive and distancing him away from me. It makes me feel like I am competing with the images he looks at and watches. I know it could be worse though, so I am thankful for the times that we do connect on the same level.
  • After spine surgery it has been difficult to find a position that is comfortable for both of us. We have spent money on pillows, wedges, blankets but none of these seems to help much. My doctor says a lot of people struggle with this after surgery. I am determined not to be one of those statistics. I am blessed that I have a loving spouse that is willing to walk this walk with me.
  • My husband is the lower drive spouse and I constantly have to beg for sex. It really has affected the way I view our relationship and his feelings for me.
  • Lack of attraction to spouse.
  • I used to be the higher drive spouse (wife) in the relationship. I used to love sex and wanted so much for not only our marriage, but our sex life, too. But after 14 years of sexual selfishness, refusal, and lack of care for my pleasure, on top of relationship issues and the inability to communicate effectively with him about them even with third party help, I have to fight myself just to continue with what is now “marital duty.”
  • I work full time, and he’s rude to me…so no connection there for me to even want it.
  • I’m really not attracted to him. Not manly enough.
  • When he’s done we’re done. He rushes to the finish line and when he realizes I’m so far behind he tries to slow down for me to catch up. Never works. There are ways to make sure I cross the finish line in second place but he’s not interested. I’ve tried to talk to him about this but he takes it very personally and that leads into more refusal. It’s a vicious circle.
  • Low sex drive on his part.

Men’s Comments:

  • Wife is only in the mood once a month and if anything prevents sex during that limited window then no sex happens that month. We average less than 10 times per year and have for our entire marriage. I have tried to talk to her about it but she just isn’t interested in dealing with the problem. I’m not sure she even cares.
  • Porn use is in the past; it would have been nice to have an option for Past porn use. Another option that I would have ticked would have been male desire.
  • Main problem imo is lack of sexual desire (her)
  • Consciously she is OK with sex, but when it comes to actually doing it, it’s not on her priority list. So, we can agree to spend some time together, but then 101 things have to be done, need attention, and have priority over “us time”. She will say, “where has the time gone”, as a way to communicate no intention to be withholding, but the truth is, if it were important to her, she would naturally find the time for it, like she does with all the other things that are important for her. She is good willed, just not interested or able to follow through on her good intentions. The result is that I feel rejected and distant and not important. She feels bad, but not the kind of bad that results in long term change. I’m starting to give up on hoping to be on the list. Most of the problems I’ve checked on your list are the long-term result of Female Desire Problems, where the way I have dealt with it poorly has metastasized into many areas of our relationship and lives. I’ll take partial blame for the result. I really wish we had been able to discuss this like adults years ago, but now just about everything is difficult to talk about.
  • Viagra helps but cost make frequent sex unaffordable.
  • We have had a number of difficulties in our love life but I’m beginning to see that I am more to blame than her. We might be starting to improve things in the intimacy area.
  • My wife was sexually abused as a child and has not been able to deal with it so she has a very negative view.
  • 26 years together and she still cannot comprehend my desire.
  • If I have to choose a problem it would be female orgasm difficulty. However, introducing toys to our sex life has made this less of a problem since a vibe will do the job when I can’t quite get her there on my own.
  • The root cause (in my view) is her body image, which results in low desire & low frequency. So I focus on praying for her to accept herself as beautiful and love herself. And I tell her how beautiful she is.
  • Wife is diagnosed with fibromyalgia and chronic pain. ??
  • I didn’t see “past Abuse – her” as an option… But we do have that in our history.
  • The biggest problem, from my point of view, is that my wife puts up all sorts of roadblocks (‘you’re grumpy today’ or ‘the house is a mess’) and intimacy avoidance delays (‘today was leg day so I’d rather not have sex’ or ‘my girl parts hurt, can you take a rain check’ – yes, I give her massages and by the time her girl parts feel better, she’s on her period (and won’t do oral sex) or she forgets she offered a rain check and then grudgingly says ok – which I refuse, because who wants that?)). She doesn’t seem to understand how important physical intimacy is to me even though I’ve tried to tell her a thousand different ways. She either doesn’t understand, doesn’t believe me, or doesn’t care. After 24 years, I have to assume she doesn’t care.
  • We got 3 kids under 2!
  • My wife has no interest at all in sexual pleasure. She allows me to have sex with her once a week, but any attempts at pleasuring her through prolonged foreplay are rebuffed.
  • We have worked around ED because the DESIRE has not diminished – only the erection. Long term adjustment but we are there – frequency coming back and intimacy regained!
  • I admit that for a long time media influenced what I wanted sexually in my marriage. But I began over a year ago reading everything in the Bible about sex and God’s intent and design for married couples. I wish my wife could be open to more sex and confident like in the song of Solomon’s .
  • We both have put on some weight in the last few years. This doesn’t diminish drive but instead our comfort showing ourselves to each other.
  • Our biggest hurdle is not listed– Wife ALLOWING herself to be sexual. She has the desire, but won’t let it have any power because of the church-instilled “Good Girl Syndrome”.
  • My wife is pregnant and has trouble with dryness, but doesn’t like using lube.
  • She loves sex when we have it, often having multiple orgasms, but sometimes getting her to have it is more difficult than it seems to me it should be. “You like this! Remember?!?!?” That being said, I recognize we have a much better sex life than many.
  • I Love making love to my wife!
  • Also Past Abuse- Her
  • Sexless marriage. I have remained faithful in spite of many years of no sex. Not sure if it’s worth it any more.
  • Poor quality of sex with little or no emotional connection.
  • Wife was severely abused as a child. Grateful for the healing that is taking place in her life, and it takes time and patience. Has helped me to grow.
  • We’re soon to be married 25 years. 2015 was a tough challenging year for us with the beginnings of addressing a number of issues on this list – some of which have been around the whole time. But it’s getting better and I have a lot of hope & excitement for 2016. For anyone filling this out/reading the results and mulling over their own problems, all I can think of is saying don’t give up trying to make things better. It might not be quick or easy, but it is possible.
  • She had affair 15 years ago and refuses to deal with it or even be honest about it I know that dealing with the past is key to going forward but her actions today are as selfish as they were back then. She recently asked if I would marry her again and I honestly answered no which caused emotional tantrum on her part and I was just left thinking how different things would be if she were only capable of being that honest.
  • Infidelity (her), other problems.
  • Our sex life is very good. However, the biggest thing that hinders us is we get tired and I choose not to pursue her because I don’t want to put her out. So we go through a series of miscommunications where she knows I’m interested, but if she’s completely spent from the day, I don’t want pity sex so I downplay my interest. Then she feels she gets mixed signals and blames the miscue on herself, etc. We talk about this “dance” every couple of months and I think we can get past it once the kids are older and less demanding of all of us.
  • Used to be a long list. Thanks to you and your wife’s input in our lives the list is down to only one item!
  • My wife is very hesitant to explore. She is also very sensitive to where we can’t do even what she would like to do. It’s hard for me to call either of these real problems though because we have a wonderful relationship and sex life.
  • I haven’t changed. She has. I just want her to desire me the way I do her. She doesn’t usually outright refuse, but she really has no interest in sex at all. That hurts.
  • I am not, nor ever have been, too tired or busy. But she has always had these issues. And she has not been willing to confront them. It isn’t just the frequency problem or the variety problem, although those are big problems! It is also that she isn’t turned towards me, she doesn’t seem to think that she has any responsibility to meet my romantic, emotional or sexual needs. She did great while we were dating (not the sexual needs then as we were virgins when we got married). She also did great the first year of our marriage until our oldest was born. But then she stopped responding to my initiation and even sometimes became hostile. She insists that she loves me but still doesn’t feel any responsibility to be concerned about what I want or need.
  • We have a host of problems on both sides… And while I am aware of bias I feel she is not willing to work on issues on her side till she feels I have fixed mine.. Not working on mine.. But have them fixed. Then maybe she will look at the others.
  • Having to use Viagra has taken all the spontaneity out of our sex life. And it’s too expensive to use more than once a week or so.
  • This fall my wife went back to school to start her PhD. In the process, any free time we had before with 3 boys at home involved in many activities, is now gone with her studies. I’ve picked up a lot of extras around the house, doing more than before, but still only see and talk to my wife while getting supper ready. We talked about this on NYE, the first time we both went to bed together in a long time. Neither one of us could come up with a solution that night since we were both tired. Thankfully we both agreed to think about it and work towards having time to ourselves. Hopefully 2016 will be start better than 2015 ended.
  • It forced me to pick one. But really none of the above, things are going great for us in the bedroom!
  • In my 33rd year of a sexually deficient marriage. MAJOR struggles for me – porn temptation, frequent masturbation, depression, mental battles that are ongoing and tiring – as a result. Counseling in the past has been some help – the last time was me alone, which is the only reasons I am alive today (depressed to the suicidal point). She refused to go – said there was no point. Counseling ended because the Counselor said to me there as nothing more that could be done without involving her – and she refused to go. This is the make-or-break year. Either things get better and we have a path forward, or things get broken. I can go no farther as things are. This has, however, improved my prayer life.
  • Obesity is the primary driver of sex problems.
  • Perhaps we’re turning a corner in our relationship and in our physical intimacy. We are both making changes to enable this. I pray that this is the case.
  • ..
  • Sexual gate keeping. When we have sex, it is generally great – – there is variety and openness. However, she does not generally desire or initiate it beyond this experience once a month.
  • One big issue is staying erect long enough after orgasm to finish bringing her to climax. Some times that can be a long time.
  • Past abuse her.
  • Higher drive husband than wife. She is very conservative and slow to try anything new. In discussion says she will but does not follow through.
  • Sex is excellent when not too tired.
  • My wife has little or no libido. I am extremely frustrated.
  • Lack of foreplay.
  • Our sex live has always been a strong-point in our marriage, however having our fourth child has knocked us way off course. Time, tiredness and fear of another pregnancy (this one was unexpected) are all taking a toll.
  • To be fair, what would be My complained could very well be different from hers, but I KNOW we both work a lot (me a lot of doubles, her home school + overnight shift) and I KNOW she doesn’t think she’s as attractive as I find her. She asked me one time “How much sex would be enough? 3 times a week? 4?” I answered “Let’s try a couple times a day and I’ll tell you when it’s enough.” I’m one of those guys who could have sex in the morning, after lunch and before bed, almost every day. She’s…. not. 🙂 I still love her though!
  • I’m not really complaining for 14 years of 20 it was the lack of sex. This past year I focused on her and our marriage, got snipped and the frequency is great. She just is kind of happy with the “usual” and it definitely works so I’m not pushing.
  • So many of these are connected. We’re too busy and too tired, so that limits the time to connect, which means sex doesn’t happen.
  • I have had issues with ED. My wife has little to no desire. I can fix one but not the other. Not sure what to do…….
  • Why wasn’t there a “body image him” option?
  • Taking too long to orgasm for me Wife has body image difficulty after double mastectomy and reconstruction.
  • It’s hard to have much of a sex life when one partner works overtime to stay offended at the other. That is then used as the excuse to refuse sex. However, the offended partner never got over the sexual abuse they received as a child, so their claims are not necessarily accurate.
  • Long refraction period post orgasm.





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