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Premarital Sex with Future Spouse?

142 Women and 197 men have answered
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Age differences:

  • Watching each other masturbate was less common with age. Those under 25 were twice as likely as those 25-34, and almost four times as likely as those over 54.
  • For men, manual to climax was increasingly common with age, from 22% for those under 25 to 63% for those over 54. Manual to climax for women was similar across ages.
  • Anal sex was done by a third of those under 25, no more than 10% for ages 25 to 54, and none of those over 54.
  • Intercourse was generally more common with greater age, especially 45-54 and 55+.

Gender differences:

  • Men and women gave fairly consistent answers.
  • Men reported the woman climaxing more than women reported climaxing – especially for oral sex. Maybe men assumed climax when it did not happen, and there was probably some faking.

 

Were they walking with the Lord?

  • Both men and women reported women being more serious about the Lord. Roughly 55% of men and 65% of women were serious about the Lord.
  • Unsaved men were much more likely to have had intercourse, anal sex, and oral sex both ways, watching each other masturbate, and grouping both clothed and nude. Rates of manual sex, both ways, were higher but not as much.
  • Unsaved women were much more likely to have had intercourse and engage in grouping clothed or naked. Some other behaviours were higher, but not significantly.
  • If either spouse was saved but not serious, intercourse was about twice as likely, and anal sex was three times as likely. Other behaviours were higher by 10% to 25%.

 

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  • Women were more likely to regret and less likely to be glad they had intercourse before the wedding.
  • Of those who has intercourse before marriage, 40% of both men and women said it caused them problems after marriage. (These numbers calculated by removing those who did not have intercourse.)
  • In the comments, a number of women said they felt guilt, and one man said his wife is still struggling with guilt.
  • One man said he wished he had, he would have known not to marry her. Another man showed how useless “try before buying” is, saying they did and it was bait and switch.

 

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  • These numbers were very consistent regardless of how far a couple went.

 

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  • Women under 25 were half as likely to have lost their virginity before they met their spouse. They were also more than twice as likely to be virgins when they married. These women married young, which probably accounts for most of these results.
  • Men under 25 were only one quarter as likely to have lost their virginity before they met their spouse. They were not significantly more likely to marry as virgins, as a majority had sex with their then future wife.
  • Being serious about the Lord made a significant here, with a third of such men and a quarter of women marrying as virgins. Additionally these men and women were less than half as likely to lose their virginity with someone other than the person they married.

Women’s Comments:

  • I would have to say our sex life within our marriage has been hindered from sex with previous partners outside of marriage.
  • We were blessed with faithful parents, good rules and accountability and remained pure before our wedding. Waiting to have sex made our wedding night so special.
  • We are now working through the aftermath of my spouses affair 9 years into our marriage. We have now been married 12 years and starting to heal but it's very difficult. I wish that we had saved ourselves for each other and wonder if things might be different if we had?
  • Made the wedding night less awkward for us... May have chosen differently if given another chance though. No negative impacts for us (so far) after 2.5 years of marriage.
  • We both wish we would have waited till marriage, but it has not caused us many issues. We have an amazing sex life and have been married for 13 years, together for 15. He was my first, I was his second. His first was a one-time thing.
  • We were both marked for a long period of time before we met. We have 6 children who we Desperately wanted to show a great example to. Once we ventured beyond our own rules of not touching it was pure Hell not to break our rules.
  • I was very committed to no intercourse before marriage but we put ourselves in a compromising position and it happened. We were engaged and I regretted it immediately. I was very forthcoming about my desire for purity but didn't back it up with appropriate actions.
  • After 21 years of marriage, we both deeply regret our choices and wish we would have waited until marriage. But we have made peace with it and are teaching our children to make better choices. God has made beauty from our ashes, thankfully.
  • We had sex at 18 (me) and 21. We married 2 years later. Married sex doesn't compare to dating sex. I just wish there had been information for my spouse on how to make a woman orgasm and information for me to help me understand that married sex is not dirty and shameful, so we would have not wasted 20 years trying to overcome our ignorance! Thank God for pages like this. Our sex life rocks now!
  • We were not Christians when we met so we engaged in a lot of sexual stuff. After we became Christians we tried to stop everything and we did not have intercourse until marriage, but we did struggle occasionally over the 3 years of our engagement. We always went before the church to confess and ask for prayers, though.
  • We have only ever slept with each other. We were fully committed and knew we would marry, and it just felt right. We have no regrets. We have always had a great sex life and it is still great 19 years later.
  • Having had premarital sex with multiple partners before my spouse has caused many emotional, relational, and sexual problems with my spouse. I really wish someone in my life would have given me more information, instead of taking on the attitude that "kids who are told about sex will then go out and do it." I believe the opposite, if a parent, youth group leader, or mentor would have given it to me straight, I may not have made such poor choices.
  • It is extremely hard for me to know my husband had sex with other girls as he was growing up, lost his virginity at 16. That was very hard for me to understand because I had waited through all my past relationships so why didn't he? He didn't have the same teachings I did in church about sex so that is why I find it so important for the youth groups to really dig deep and talk about it with their youth groups as well as the parents to talk about it with their children.

Men’s Comments:

  • I know it's rare, but I waited for her, and I feel very special that my spouse waited for me. The wedding night was one of the most special memories we have together, and that's one of the reasons.
  • We came together. I looking for sex her just wanting to be liked. Sexual views tainted by past events hurts and haunts. We did eventually fall in love. but if we didn't come to know Jesus we probably wouldn't be together
  • My current spouse and I had known each other for nearly 30 years before we married. Our relationship had been platonic that whole time and we had both been divorced for over a decade. When we decided to court we chose to not have any physical relationship beyond holding hands. I think it was the right decision for us since preserving our friendship was the most important thing. I will admit though that the transition to a married sexual relationship has not been smooth for us but we are working through it.
  • We had intercourse once prior to marriage. After this, both agreed to wait until marriage for more/do it again. We also became more serious with our following of The Lord after this.
  • We waited and built a healthy sex life over time and still enjoy it 9 years later.
  • We knew it was wrong. I never imagined that I would ever be presented with an opportunity to sin like that.
  • It's provided years of regret.
  • It really bothers her that I had lost my virginity before marriage to another person and didn't have sex with her before marriage. It causes animosity to this day, whether right or wrong.
  • People say it's so hard to wait for sex before you're married; I think you make it hard for yourself. My wife and I set boundaries "far from the cliff" so to speak so we didn't get carried away. Well worth it! The restraint has been rewarded many times over!
  • My wife and I 'hooked up' when we were 18/19 years old and were never intended to stay together, but we were both very religious. We have been together ever since. We both know/knew it was a sin. Honestly, had it not been for the sin we would likely not be together now and we have been married happily for almost 13 years with 2 daughters. It's an interesting situation for hindsight to be 20/20.
  • If I could communicate to others what was not communicated to me, I would stress the importance of setting proper boundaries before marriage. Do not engage in anything. It robs you of so much and gives the devil so many footholds to condemn. It's taken a lot of work with The Lord to heal.
  • It's less that I regret what we did, and more that I didn't practice better leadership with self-control.
  • We made some BAD choices, and while I knew right from wrong, I was unprepared at one level. Years of church teaching had taught me that my sexual desire was just physical and it was not love, it was just physical desire. I fell so in love and opened my heart with such vulnerability that I knew that my desire was more than just physical. I had already given my heart away and wanted to be as close as to could to my future wife. We spent every possible minute with each other, did a fair deal of non-sexual touching, read Christian marriage books together, and shared heartfelt things--all this before we were married. We did OK until we allowed kissing to be part of relationship. Then, it took off like a forest fire. Our relationship started and progressed to marriage in 3 months. We acknowledged what we had done and made things right with God and eventually with a relative that we offended in the process. I wish that young people better understood that sex is a joining of hearts AND bodies, and the joining of hearts makes it easy to go further than you intended.
  • God is great! We came into our relationship with lots if baggage. After 1.5 years with having sex we returned to The Lord and gave up on it. Only kissing then. Two years later we married. In this two (sometimes painful) years we had time to talk a lot and to get rid of our baggage. Without stopping to have sex we wouldn't have stayed together.
  • Biggest problem is comparing sex life before we were married. It was better before we were married
  • We had less than fulfilling sex for many years that I believe is directly related to our premarital messing around. Though I believe we're forgiven the consequences haven't been worked out.
  • Having sex with my wife before we were married may have caused a lot of problems or the problems may have existed anyway. Sixteen years later, I still have no idea to what extent it affected our fragile sexual relationship.
  • We should have waited
  • We said no more after every time but we we're both high drive & had been use to having frequent sex before each other.

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