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Need vs Want

122 women and 331 men have answered
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  • One percent of men and 5% of women said they do not need sex.
  • Needing sex more than twice a day was reported by 1% of each sex (.82% of women and .6% of men)
  • Women were more likely to give both low and high rates of sexual need.
  • Only 17% of men and 18% of women would be okay with sex less than once a week.
  • Six percent of men and 10% of women say four times a week is not enough.

© surveymonkey.com

  • Five percent of women and 1% of men said more than twice a day.
  • No one said they do not want sex.
  • Twelve percent of both men and women would like to have sex more than seven times a week.
  • Forty-three percent of men and 54% of women want sex more than four times a week.

© surveymonkey.com

  • Men and women, as a whole, do not differ nearly as much here as we are lead to think they differ.
  • The difference between need and want, or minimum and preferred levels of sex, does not seem to be significant. Most people’s “want” was the next choice up from their “need”.
  • For the vast majority of men and women, sexual satisfaction seems to require sex a minimum of every other day. For about a third of men and women at least daily is necessary for frequency satisfaction.

 

Women’s Comments:

  • Thankful for similar drives, it is a blessing and so good for our marriage!
  • A "sexless" marriage is a "lifeless" marriage
  • Except during menstruation; I'm not interested at all, but still make sure my husband is satisfied.
  • I fell pregnant in our third month of marriage. When I was 3 months along (now 6 months married) sex lessened dramatically. Since our first daughter was born 10 years ago we have had sex 4 times, each were to deliberately fall pregnant (amazingly we did and now have four children!). Although my husband will occasionally talk about wanting to kick start our sex life again, he never actually goes through with any plans. Pornography has been a constant for 10 years and I noticed there was a connection - the more he used it, the less he would come to me for anything sexual. Our youngest child is 3 1/2 years. Heartbreakingly we have not been intimate for more than 4 years.
  • Higher drive wife. We make love 1-2 times per week but I would prefer daily. It's frustrating seeing and hearing about men having the higher drive. Really hard on a wife's self-esteem.
  • We are military and frequently go months without due to separation. I know this affects how much I want/need. It also makes me feel like I "have to" while he is home because I know he'll be gone. It places a forced enjoyment that is unenjoyable.
  • Unfortunately I'm in a sexless marriage. A year and a half now and counting. Used to average once every 8-ish months or so...but not anymore. Broken hearted and rejected.
  • *6 How often do I have sex? DAILY
  • I have a pretty high sex drive. My husband, who as a similar drive, also worked some crazy hours at the very beginning of our marriage, which made having our preferred amount of sex a little difficult. However, he recently got a new job and we have seen improvement in his sex drive and our sex life already. Prayer and some serious discussion also helped this!
  • I am the higher drive spouse. For me sex is when I have all his attention. He is always occupied or focused on something else. If I don't nag him then Lord knows how long we would go without sex. I usually try to make sex happen once a week. He is satisfied and I stay on the thin line of sexually starved and physically frustrated because it takes such effort to get him to bed that by the time we get there I’m annoyed so I'm honestly not in the mood. It's a vicious cycle and I try to communicate with him often. It's very slow changes and I hope we can push through and be stronger and have a healthy sex life.
  • Depends where I am at in my cycle.
  • There is a huge difference between having sex once a week and twice a week, in my opinion. Going 7 days without sex? Torture. I'd be a mess and feel completely unloved and unwanted. But 3-4 days? I'd prefer more often than that, but I'd survive. We have three very young children; it happens. I guess I would offer separate choices for those two in this survey. Maybe a better question is "how long can you go before you NEED/WANT sex?" Five or more days and I am an unhappy camper. Less than four days, I can hang in there, even if I prefer every other day or so. It also may be prudent to better define "want." My husband jokes that he wants sex multiple times a day, but he realizes that is not sustainable long term, that he wouldn't want it that often after a couple of days of that. It's too much. And so his "realistic ideal" is different than his "want," if that makes sense.
  • I have been told by my spouse that he rarely needs it but a few times per month.
  • I am usually the higher drive spouse, but I had baby #3 four months ago and am finding myself less interested. I notice my body would still like sex a bit more often than I find myself caring for.
  • Sex has gotten better and better the longer we've been married. I'm a reformed gatekeeper who now pursues my husband daily. I truly thrive on the oneness that our lovemaking provides. 22 years together (19 years married) and stronger than ever!!
  • Wanting sex and wanting to have sex with my spouse are two different things. I may only feel interested in pursuing sex once a week or less, but I desire to connect with my spouse (in the way that only sex can do) every day.
  • We both want it more than we get it due to work schedules, kids, energy levels, etc., but we always try to be mindful of how long it's been since the last time so neither of us has to go too long without. Both of us do better emotionally, mentally, and physically if we stay in the want zone of sex and avoid getting to the place of needing sex.
  • What can help wetness?
  • Can live without sex, but I have a great desire for it. I enjoy it when my husband is participating.

 

Men’s Comments:

  • Whether physical or oral I want sex everyday if the truth were told. The 4th quarter of 2014 saw my wife and I having sex (and reintroducing oral sex and period sex after at least 15 years...) in some form nearly every day for about 3 months straight... We've slowed it just a tad, but even nights where we've had sex, I do find myself longing for more. We've been together nearly 24 years and met at 16 and 17 and were first partners for each other... There was a time where we would stay in bed all day and have sex 2 and 3 times a day, but four kids later...? No longer a possibility. Today we are 40 and 41 and she is STILL smoking hot..! She does and always has met my sexual needs... She is also willing to meet my wants as well. It helps that she loves sex as well.
  • I put 1-2 times a week, but this is not correct. I need it twice a week, at least. Once is not enough. But I couldn't go up to the 3-4 per week.
  • ..Want... What about the third and maybe more important question: How often do you Get/Have sex?
  • My perceived "needs" changed substantially when my wife opened her heart and gave me her body freely and willingly. At one point I would have told you I NEEDED sex as often as I now want it, and that I wanted sex more often than my wife was ever willing to give it. Once the panic of "this could be the only time this month" had subsided, my needs became clear. I still want it more often than I need it though.
  • I believe that someday soon, we will experience daily sex for a time and then I’ll find out if I really want to have sex that often. But I think I'd like it.
  • The questions were difficult to answer because I don't know what it feels like to be sexually fulfilled, due to my wife's pattern of gatekeeping and refusing throughout our 22+ year marriage. It's recently been getting better, but I don't know how it feels to be sexually satisfied. I feel a constant sexual hunger. I don't know when my next 'meal' will be coming, or whether it will be a just a quick snack or a full banquet. Sex is not just about the release. It's how I feel an emotional connection with my wife.
  • Often feel like wife has sex only to fulfil her duty.
  • I need 3-4X/WK in order to feel connected to my wife, particularly if it is all quickies (her preference). I do much better when we can take our time on a regular basis. Without prolonged sessions I would like twice daily but if she is willing to put in the effort and time I feel fully loved with less sex. Unfortunately, this doesn't happen very often.
  • I find that I get a physical urge for release about 3 or 4 days after sex. At about that same time I feel disconnected from my wife and a little rejected. I can go a week bet that's about the limit before I start to become resentful and I don't want that to happen.
  • I guess my "want" would be less if we were currently meeting the "need". I really sucks to live below the "need" level.
  • Answers to Question 4 are based on our current sex life, or lack thereof. Being in an almost sexless marriage weighs heavily on them.
  • Sexless marriage for 4 years
  • Ain't gonna happen.
  • At this stage of life recovery time is longer but my wife is open and welcoming to come together.
  • My wife is an awesome woman. We make love together 2-3 time per week. She loves to pleasure me and wants to make sure that my needs are met sexually. I am the higher drive spouse and need to have sex about every other day. She does not need to have sex that often but knows that I need it and wants to please me and take care of me in an awesome way. What and AWESOME wife.
  • I'm guessing at these numbers as I've never had sex this frequently before.
  • 5 young children, a busy career that travels a lot equates to forgoing sex in favor of sleep. Sad, but we know it is and will get better
  • Seems in real life, I'm getting what I need. What I want would be totally doable, but just too many other stress factors affecting both me and my wife... Crazy work schedules, kids stuff, life, etc. I'm afraid that by the time these things start to ebb and make it easier to get the level I want, my body or partner won't cooperate.
  • Actual occurrences are much less than need, but I am learning to accept what my wife can and will provide. Just not that important to her (sexual relations or my needs), she is too wrapped up in herself. I keep trying to help her get some counseling, maybe someday. It is growth she is not ready for, for various reasons.
  • Married almost 9 years. We have sex maybe twice every 3 months. She's killing my heart.
  • Kind of depends on how interested she is. If she is all in and wound up then "need" if filled for longer than if it’s just for me. "Need" is more of wanting to be wanted. "Want" is because it is a lot of fun...
  • Hard to gauge the need. I know in the past at the 2 week mark (16 days actually) my temptation has exceeded my self-control. But that hasn't been tested in a long time. We will likely not have sex for a few weeks due to medical reasons, and I'm working diligently on making it not a NEED.
  • 2-3 days without and I start to get horny. I want it almost daily. Going too long also makes outside temptation worse.
  • I'm grateful that my wife understands both my wants and my needs. She never fails my needs and often surpasses my wants! I pray I do the same for her.
  • Following 20+ years of hearing "no", I am finally resigned to the fact that I will never get the amount of sex I want, but grateful for what I do receive (and am able to give)
  • Sex is happening once a month so I'm pretty far from my want and need. When I express my needs and desires to my wife she says that we should have sex more often but it's such a low priority for her that it rarely happens. She is too tired at night and in the morning. Only when we both have the day off do we sometimes have sex during the day.
  • I'm defining "need" as if I don't get it my life is interrupted. IE I don't sleep. It gets worse as I go longer without sex.
  • My desire for sex is so high because of the lack of sex in our marriage. If we had sex regularly, im sure my desire or "want" would be less.
  • I've studied anatomy and read books so that I might please my wife and make sex an amazing spectacular gift, that God intended it to be. She never says no because she says it feels so good. Ladies first!
  • I can function normally with a day or two in between. That second day is rough and anything after that is just miserable. I would absolutely like daily sex, as most days I don't get sex I tend to still masturbate. And yes even with masturbating daily I still get overly frustrated starting that second day with out actual intercourse. It's a different release and need for me masturbation verses intercourse that is.
  • Currently in sexless marriage
  • I define the need for sex as the need for physical release of sexual tension. I need sex about every three days in order to remain sane. I define want of sex as a strong desire to connect emotionally with my wife. I want sex every day and the desire grows with every passing day that the desire is not satisfied. If I go more than three days without physical release of emotional connection I am a mess - irritable and unfocused in e everything that I do.
  • Marking daily for want cause I doubt I could handle more to start but if that happened, I'm sure I would want to work up to 2x daily.
  • Getting it twice a year
  • Really hard to differentiate need vs want
  • And we have sex 3-4 times a week! ;)
  • since I have been refused for 25 years now I would want it nearly every day to make up for the loss.
  • The longer mu wife and I are married the stronger my desire is for her! Our biggest problem is she's menopausal and that really hurts our sex life, she has next to no desire for sex.
  • At least I can dream.
  • Need it once every 2-3 days. Want it six nights out of seven with a morning or two thrown in.
  • I usually get what I need but rarely get what I want.
  • I've given up on trying to tell my wife I need more sex. I've reached a point where I no longer care to ask. Now I quietly hold out, as long as I can, for what I've been told is the inevitable end. I wish someone would explain how to fix this, instead of sighing and saying "If it’s gotten this far, there is no fixing this." I still hope.
  • Sexless marriage for 4 years :(
  • If I could We'd have sex first thing in the morning and right before bed each night. What better way to attack the world than getting an "I love you" from your spouse first thing in the morning and another to send you off to bed?

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