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How Long Without Sex?

263 women and 373 men
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  • For women age predicted a steady increase in longer intervals without sex. For men this was somewhat true, but not as neatly.
  • Men are showing longer times without sex in this survey. In large part, this is because the men taking the survey average about ten years older than women.

 

Women’s Comments:

  • The presence of "illness or other things which make sex impossible" has no merit when my hubby is counting "days without being sexual together". Even "separation" leaves me the thoughtless partner unless the separation was due to his scheduled absence. Sometimes it's really hard to be us.
  • Not my choice (wife). He is a gatekeeper who rarely lets me in. I think he has low testosterone. He is low energy, low drive, history of vasectomy and I think he may have a masturbating habit. Has had a couple incidents of ED. We are both 38. :-(
  • Before kids (oldest is 2.5), the longest we went was about a week. We averaged 3-4 times per week. After kids we have intercourse about 1 time per week with 1-2 times of me giving pleasure to my husband in other ways. I don't like the infrequency for our marriage but am "OK" with it for this season of exhaustion and breastfeeding my 8 month old. The hormone changes make it hard for me to enjoy our encounters physically.
  • 2nd marriage for both of us and my husband is 15 years older than I am. He works hard all day and is so tired at night I don't press him for sex. Weekends are pretty much our only time for lovemaking, but it's so wonderful and amazing when we do make love that it's worth the wait. :)
  • *****Sex only gets better after the years .........if you only allow it ! Have an open mind & God will help to direct you both.
  • We have 2 small kiddos and co-sleep but we try to make time
  • 6-8 weeks after each baby though.
  • Aside from my postpartum times, the longest we ever went was after I broke my leg. In our normal lives, we went through a time when I would sometimes let the better part of two weeks go by without being interested in sex, mainly due to fatigue. I have been learning to meet my husband's needs in this area and make him a lot happier by not letting more than 3 days go by (even during my period). Wasn't trying to hold out on him, just clueless about how much and how often he really needed sex. I have been reaping the rewards myself ever since. ;)
  • I don't think my husband desires me that much. He says he does, says I'm attractive, but actions speak louder than words.
  • A nearly sexless marriage (enforced strongly by my husband) makes sex mostly impossible so not sure how valid you consider my answer above to be. On average, sex occurs one time every 9 months or so. We have no children, go figure.
  • He's the gatekeeper...not me!
  • We are military and he is gone frequently, so we go months without. That makes the extended periods when he is home that much sadder.
  • Post-partum and illnesses are the only times we've gone longer than a week without sex.
  • Unfortunately after giving birth 19 months ago it left me with a horrible scar and unable to have sex for 10 months :-( it still causes problems and we are now slowly rebuilding our sex life. We went from 4 to 7 times a week before our sons birth to 1 to 2 times a week currently but we very much want to up this figure again.
  • We went through a difficult time, but this is in the distant past. We finally addressed the situation honestly. Now we have a great sex life. For others in this situation I would say, life is short, so don't wait. This is a problem that is not going to magically fix itself. Counseling can help, self-help books can help, experimenting with your own ideas can help. The way to get started is to have the courage to talk about it.
  • The only time we have gone longer than a few days has been due to illness in one of us or after having a baby.
  • After the rough delivery of our first born, I ended up having two reconstructive surgeries. It was the absolutely longest 4 1/2 months of our marriage, while we abstained. Otherwise, it's only been maybe three days at most between love making.
  • I put 15-20 days, but I'm really not positive about the longest time; it's probably closer to 15 than 20. That longest would have been an unusual occurrence. For us, even at nearly 19 years married, with my being almost 50yo and perimenopausal, going a whole week without sex is the exception, not the norm. These days, the biggest hindrance is that our kids are teens and, therefore, stay up later than I do. Sex is typically a "wait till the kids are asleep, then wake up wifey" thing. This is less than ideal, so we try to make the most of the occasions when they're both gone for a couple of hours, and we don't have to worry about their hearing us.
  • The only reason I can think of why we wouldn't have sex other than illness or being physically apart is for arguments. Even then we still find it important to let each other know they are still wanted and cared for.
  • Only time we go for a while without intercourse is for 6 weeks after baby. But even then we use everything short of penetration to be close sexually.
  • I think that's accurate, though it might be 11-14. We don't often go that long, though. I think our longest times were during my recent pregnancy.
  • Mostly these times have been post baby, Which counts under sex being difficult at least for the first 6 weeks (I am aware that most couples don't wait that long) I have a prolonged recovery time, it takes me 6 months for sex to be comfortable again after giving birth and 4 months for it not to be extremely painful.
  • But with God's help, we were able to turn things around! So grateful!!
  • Any time we did lapse in sexual connectivity for no good reason (like illness) our relationship suffered and we drifted apart. Terrible!!
  • Sickness prevented for 11 days once, and 10 days another, but 3 days has happened a few times on its own.
  • Before we had kids it would be weeks bc OCPs brought my libido down. Now that I'm not on them anymore I can't go more that 3-4 days and that's too many. My drive is now higher than my husbands.
  • Due to side effects of pregnancy, nausea and back problems. Was about 8 months, most of the pregnancy.
  • About a week, only since I got pregnant. I'm not including the 6 weeks of no sex after we were married...both virgins, and any kind of penetration was really painful (sometimes still is). So I avoided it, which made for a rocky start.
  • Not counting the two months after childbirth. I was pregnant at the time and too tired/too newlywed (about 9 months) to want/understand sex.
  • We can't go much longer than 5 days without sex. Even 3 days is a stretch for us!
  • At its worst, our marriage went 4 months without sex for no good reason except I was tired and uninterested and he didn't want to bother me. Now in our fifties I have learned the importance of frequent sex. I wish I had learned this sooner, it would have saved us a lot of heartache.
  • This has happened twice in our 7+ years of marriage - both times were right before and after having children.
  • We both enjoy sex with each other very much...The only thing that keeps us from having sex is severe fibro pain for me or severe back pain for him.
  • Anything less than once a week is danger zone for us. We have only gone that long without sexual contact a handful of times in nearly 8 years. And perhaps another handful of times for 7-10 day gaps - otherwise usually 2-4 times a week. We have two children - 5 & 3 - and the larger gaps were usually in the months after their births.
  • make sex a priority. In our 10 years of marriage, going a week between is almost unheard of. When we are having sex several times a week, we are less stressed, communicate better and connect better.
  • After the birth of our first child, intercourse was very painful for me. Apparently breast feeding and hormones were to blame, causing dryness and irritation. We probably had sex 4 times in that year. Stress of being new parents plus extreme pain equaled a rough year. We survived and things were much better after baby #2.
  • Due to busyness, stress or feeling disconnected. NOT refusal or a form of 'punishment'. He wasn't asking for/wanting sex at that time.
  • However after Bio-identical hormones 3 years ago we don't go more than 2 days!!
  • My husband would not touch me after I started putting on pregnancy weight and then not for several months after giving birth - around a year total each time.
  • The 1 month with no sex, I learned he about his infidelity!
  • This was in the early days of our marriage and when our children were young. The thought of even going 7 days without sex now makes me panic!!
  • Right now we are going on 6 months, but only because he is deployed. :(
  • My husband never even notices when we have gone long periods without sex. It's not that important to him. I usually have to throw a fit to get his attention.
  • This period includes the last month of my last pregnancy, and the two months following delivery.
  • My husband was extremely stressed out during our longest period. His Mother passed away Christmas Day and he got laid off from the work the day after. I understood and it was not a problem. We also went 6 months without due to Dr orders during pregnancy. That was difficult for both of us.
  • He refused sex with me for three months when we first got married claiming he was too tired. Later in our marriage he refused to give me an orgasm for nearly 3 years because I "Took too long". Too long meant 5-20 minutes of oral or manual.
  • I hate going this long but he doesn't seem to have a problem with it. I've brought up my concern multiple times but it doesn't usually change anything.
  • We abstained from vaginal sex while we were waiting on his vasectomy. We still did oral. Thought I would give more details in case this isn't what you were looking for.
  • Though that was in year 3... there have been other droughts, but not that long, in other years... currently we are doing much, much better.
  • This was during the last stages of pregnancy, and then postpartum.
  • I'm tired of feeling unwanted. I now cheat.
  • The longest was actually after the birth of our son when we waited the full 6 weeks and regularly my husband travels for work so we miss up to a week at a time. But the only no reason for it time that we've been without was 3-4 days.
  • The longest we've gone without sex was 6 weeks, and then only because I was recovering from childbirth. Otherwise, it's about a 1-3 times a week thing.
  • But a lot longer due to illness... We make up for it when all is well! ;)
  • Prior to this year, it was days or weeks. We're both learning to not be gatekeepers... Now it's because we mutually decide it's not the time for intimacy.
  • This was due to his addiction to porn. I abstained from being intimate with him.
  • Only due to my period
  • Every time we have sex I put $1 in a jar. On our Anniversary each year I cash in the money and that is the money we use for our Anniversary. August 5th is the day and we are hoping for $365. : )
  • The longest we have ever gone is maybe 4-5 days. You know, when life gets busy and you are tired. The longest we have gone out of necessity is after the birth of our daughter we waited 3 weeks and it was very hard on both of us to be patient that long!

 

Men’s Comments:

  • Married almost 10 years. Unless we are separated from each other, we try for some kind of sex act every other day. 2 days in between every once in a while. Feel pretty blessed!
  • After 3 days I am more than ready and my wife is that way after about 5. 9 days is what we have decided is the longest we do "OK" to be apart when one of us travels for work after that we need to reconnect not just sexual but just to touch one another
  • Current frequency is once every six weeks.
  • About 11 month dry spell, because wife "just didn't feel like it". She seems immune to requests and discussions ( and was the one who initially got me connected with your site, after following your wife's for some time). She won't go for personal counseling for issues she has had for years and knows she does. I continue to persevere, but it's not pretty.
  • This type of selfishness has never been a part of our marriage. We have both sought more in our relationship - not less. PTL!
  • We are grateful to be passed that period of time in our marriage where it was difficult for us. We prayed, preserved and decided to prove God on our marriage and sex life. At this point in our marriage it is getting better every day.
  • This happened at the bottom of a spiral we had. After a conference/confrontation, we changed things around, and even though we are in our 60's, we're averaging 15 encounters a month.
  • My wife had a really hard time after pregnancy. We only had sexual relations about 5 -6 times in an entire year. It made our relationship very strained... We are starting to regain the intimacy in our relationship, but it is still going slow...
  • Late pregnancy, birth & recovery, After hysterectomy
  • Mostly during/after a pregnancy... Otherwise we rarely go longer than 5 or 6 days.
  • was due to rejection and control
  • And she never realized it had been that long.
  • The 31+ day button chosen above is still ongoing. I have touched, kissed, cuddled just to let her know that "I am here", that I care. But absolutely no response. She is very punishing through her silent denial, so yes I masturbate
  • For years, we only had sex once every 2-3 months, but things are much better these days -- now we have sex every 2-3 weeks.
  • This only happened once, during a rough patch in the marriage. Otherwise, the most has been a week. Usually we have sex 2-3 times a week.
  • Neither of us were virgins when we met. We had sex early in our relationship but decided to stop after we were engaged to regain some level of purity before our wedding. Unfortunately we never recovered and things have continued to decline over the years. I feel cheated out of the best years of my life.
  • You really limited that by removing illness and separation from the equation. Illness /physical problems occur so regularly that those are the main reasons we have to do without.
  • This was due to family loss, depression and becoming pregnant unexpectedly/having a baby. All of these things took place within 8 months of each other.
  • My wife's libido went south after a hysterectomy and later breast cancer. She has always had body issues which has had an affect on frequency.
  • I'm military too. Twice deployed and she left me no options to be sexual with her even in our separation. Together or apart, she controls the sex. If she don’t want it, it don’t happen.
  • My wife has been really sick and the 2 times in the last 18 months were a sacrifice on her part.
  • I am always wanting it more often than her, but I can count myself blessed that we have never gone more than about 10 days without being together.
  • We live in a sexless marriage.
  • I hate this and pray that it changes... we are trying to get help but she thinks it is normal to go on droughts like this.... because she thinks I am a crazy to want it weekly or even daily.
  • Typical is once per week, but compared to the multiple times per day it used to be, this feels pretty scarce. Our longest drought was 2 weeks. What hurt worse than the drought was the "oh, has it been a while?" Reaction I got when I approached her about it. Things have been getting better lately though.
  • She claims she didn’t have an affair but there are reasons I will never be able to believe that and the subject is avoided like the plague.
  • In home separated, now over 6 years without sexual activity. Before in house separation, 31-60 days.
  • I will at least get a hand job or something for a release if I ask when it's been a while.
  • We have 4 young kids, two careers and our personalities are at conflict including not good at communicating. When we are alone and away we are hot but in the mist of life have different cares and don't fight for what we really need.
  • We have gone almost a year without sex multiple times in just 6 years of marriage, including the entirety of two pregnancies.
  • She decided during our first year of marriage that sex wasn't important, even though I stated how much I needed it, so she "shut the gates". We have started to get better (as in once every 2 weeks) but not where we should be at a year and a half of marriage.
  • Hardest time for me was after the babies. No sex for six weeks! Other than that, besides period and separation, we usually do it at least every 2-3 days, usually every other day.
  • We had gone longer between times before we were married (sometimes weeks), but by the time we married we had committed to daily sex.
  • We are in the middle of our longest drought right now at 75 days. Yes, I've been counting. There was a news story recently about a guy who kept a spreadsheet of his wife's sexual refusal. I've been keeping a spreadsheet of every time we have sex for the past year or so. I don't write snarky comments in it but we are averaging about once every 18 days. She just has no interest and even when she does she just want to get done and move on to other things which saps my interest.
  • 6 weeks right after baby birth, that's why
  • Not by my choice
  • My wife would say this (1.5 years of no sex) was my choice because she is willing to give me "duty sex". I said that I preferred to wait until she was willing to be present with me and engaged in the act. The only reason it (the drought) ever ended was on the advice from a marriage counselor for me to "meet her where she is", which I did. However, I regret that because it is years later and nothing has changed - it feels like she has won and I can take it or leave it (which she knows I won't do). So sad...
  • This is besides the time we had to wait after she had babies. During that time there was still sexual favors, just no intercourse.
  • And counting right now
  • Almost exclusively on holidays with other people and not enough privacy
  • Not counting post-pregnancy six weeks.
  • 4 months. And it was hell for me. It seemed to be just the way she wanted it, though.
  • When she was pregnant with our first child she was totally uninterested in sex. She then had an emergency C-Section with a pretty rough recovery. She claims otherwise, but I'm pretty certain that we went almost a whole year without sex during and after that pregnancy. She got pregnant just 4 months after we got married, so as you can imagine, my memories of our "newlywed" period aren't so fond.
  • It's not OK.
  • We've gone without sex for several months all the way to up to 6 months at a time without sex, at her desire to do so. Some was post-pregnancy fear once or twice, some was just her avoiding sex, some was me not pursuing to see how long it would go if I didn't initiate or beg. If I don't have regular sex with my wife I feel disconnected, lonely and easily feel gloomy and depressed. It’s easier to get wrapped up in busy activities or work and try not to think about it. Yet when she is willing to invest more into our sex life, I feel so connected and loved and happiness/joy is more easily experienced.
  • Other than child birth, going out of town keeps us from having sex!
  • My wife and I were having marital problems. We went to counseling for 8 months. Never had sex during that time. Went out of town to visit family and had sex 3 times in 2 days. After that we went a month without having sex. We had sex today for the first time since. Hopefully, things will continue to get better.
  • Her choice. Right now we are at 7. :(
  • I'm really not certain on this one. I don't remember those times and I don't keep track of them (nor do I really have any desire to do so).
  • The dry spells coincide with her monthly visitor. It's always a frustrating time and I've expressed my frustrations and have asked for other options to be explored. As time goes on she is becoming more open to this.
  • Sucks
  • No sex whatsoever during pregnancy and afterbirth.
  • We did an 8 year stretch, had sex twice and now we're in a five year. She doesn't understand the hurt and how she has destroyed me as a man.
  • We seem to be down to twice a month on average
  • Post partum was the longest at about 4 weeks. Other than that two weeks is about the longest usually due to work schedules and busy home schedules.....
  • This was over 10 years ago when our marriage was in a very tough low. We are now having sex almost daily. My wife has made a complete turn around from a gate keeper to being very sex positive!
  • We went thru a time where it might have been every 3 weeks. I was honest with her about needing at least once a week. She agreed, and ever since we have been having sex no less than once a week, and sometimes more.

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