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How Important is Sex to You?

199 Women and 393 Men have answered
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How important is sex to you? 1 = not at all, 7 = extremely

  • Men gave an average rating of 6.6. Women averaged 6.0.
  • 68% of men and 47% of women gave a rating of 7.
  • 6.5% of women and .8% of men gave a rating of less than 4.

 

How would you rate your marriage overall?

  • Women gave an average rating of 5.4. Men averaged 5.3. This is a bit unusual, as most surveys show men giving higher ratings to their marriages than women.
  • Men were more likely than women to answer 4 or 5, while women were more likely to say 6 or 7.

 

How would you rate your sex life?

  • Women averaged 4.7, while men averaged 4.9.
  • Women were twice as likely as men to say 6 or 7, while men were more likely to say 2 or 3. About 10% of both men and women said 1.

 

Cross Question Findings

  • Those who rated their marriage quality as high were far more likely to say sex was very important. Those who rated their marriage quality as low were far more likely to say sex was unimportant.
  • How individuals rated their sex life has little correlation with how important they said sex was to them. Of those who said sex was extremely important, half rated their sex life 5-7, while half rated it 1-4.

 

Women’s Comments

  • For the most part, it is wonderful. However, there are certain things that I would like that we have never done and I don't know how to ask.
  • To me physically, it's not that important, but I recognize the importance of it for our marriage as a whole, for my husband and how it connects us and because of that it has become a pretty high priority.
  • I'm the higher drive spouse, (hypothyroid husband) but I've made room for less sex and he's -- thankfully! -- made room for more. It makes a huge difference to my peace around the house and how we treat each other to make sure we both have our needs for both sex and non-sexual space met. That said, communication about it can still be tricky. I hate to be a broken record, so often I just don't say enough about what I need. I wonder what things he's afraid to bring up again?
  • Frequency is not where it use to me (currently avg. 2x week) but the quality of the sex is very satisfying.
  • I have trouble achieving orgasm but we try to have sex five or so times a week and we are very happy.
  • I'd love to have sex at least once a day, but my husband is always too tired. I'm trying to accept that this does not mean he is not attracted to me. He says he loves my body, but it's hard to believe when his sex drive is so much lower than mine. I'm lucky if we do it twice a week.
  • My husband has forced me into a nearly sexless marriage. If I'm lucky, it's once every 9 months or so. That's where we are currently. Last sex was mid Nov. While one might figure I should be excited that sex "should" occur relatively soon that is not the case. Why? 1) no guarantee that it will actually happen...and 2) if it does happen, the "clock" re-sets and I'll have to face each day knowing it will be another looooong wait.
  • We've only been married for two years, but sex/libido have definitely been a challenge since baby came along. And we've got some other major life issues that we're dealing with that are probably adding more complications than we realize.
  • The only thing preventing an even higher rating is our struggle with premature ejaculation.
  • My husband and I are both very sexual and this is probably what has kept us going through the years. We enjoy a very active sexy life and still indulge at least 5 times a week but usually more. Age just seems to increase our appetites!
  • I had a total hysterectomy and I am not interested in sex and that saddens me!
  • I said five on the sex life rating, mostly because I feel like we have room to grow (and are growing) in our abilities and understanding of each other and ourselves.
  • Sex is most important to me because after too many years I learned how important it is to my husband (almost too late). We connect much better now (because a big need of his is being filled very frequently?). That connection makes it all more enjoyable for me and consequently more important, too.
  • I wish sometimes that I had a pill to turn my desires off, so I could be content in our marriage. I enjoy being a passionate woman though. I have voiced this so many times, that I want to make out, kiss, flirt, and have more sex, and he tries for a while after I remind him. He insists that I'm desirable. It's getting to the point where I'm so tempted to find a friend who would fill those desires, buy not leave my marriage. Being the initiator most of the time and then having those desires met with apathy is hurtful to the point of not enjoying when we actually get to kiss, as I feel he's just doing it to appease me. I am even considering asking him if he'd mind if I found a willing surrogate. Maybe it would get his attention enough that he would do something about it. Is it too much to expect him to fufill my needs? After thinking of all this for years, I feel dumb because there are more pressing problems in the world than my desires.
  • Husband has untreated t issues. I think it would be better if he would it treated.
  • Wish we would have sex more often, both work full time and have a baby and toddler.
  • Hint-Bioidentical hormone pellets!!! 32 years married and we have sex almost every day for the last three years!
  • I have always wanted more intimacy than he does. We talked about it off and on for years. After I caught him with porn, I've tried everything I know to make it more appealing and enjoyable for him. He doesn't want it. He made me feel like a horny old whore. He says I have the sex drive of a man. I checked it out, once a week isn't exactly out of line. He thinks once a month to once a year is fine. He's happy with his level of need. He isn't interested in exploring or working to make it better. I'm heartbroken. I want to give up. I'm not sure if he's addicted to porn and masturbation. He says it's just easier to gratify himself. I suspect (for reasons I won't go into) that he's secretly attracted to men. I love him. I want to fix this. I feel powerless.
  • As we've got older we realise what a huge blessing sex and intimacy are. Without sex our relationship would just be a good friendship. It also just gets better and better as time goes on!
  • Sex makes all the troubles we have easier to deal with. I just feel more connected and willing to work through our stuff. But in general he is not very interested. I almost always initiate until I get frustrated and try to dampen my sex drive. When he is interested I enjoy it immensely. He enjoys giving oral (so do I). But frequency is waning. I am in my 30s, at my peak and feel like we are missing out on a big part of life. Now even ED is starting to creep into the picture. But he won't get help. He really has a hard time looking into anything sex related and in thinking heat need help outside of himself. Typical in that he thinks he can do it all himself. I've tried to steer him to this website/twitter many times but he won't go there.
  • We were physically separated for 13 years. Sounds weird, doesn’t it?
  • The first 8 or so years of my marriage were very unfulfilling for me. My libido finally started working in my mid-thirties. Now my husband's has slowed. I am very frustrated and having a hard time imagining our future together.
  • Rated sex at 6 and marriage and sex life at 4 because it is rather one-sided. My friend has a saying, "My husband has a great marriage. Wish I did, too." Same goes for our sex life. His is great. Mine is meh.
  • I thought after 40-it was over.nope! my marriage/sex life is amazing!!! God is good! ??
  • DH is only home from 11:30pm to 7:30am. And I'm home all day with 3 kids under 5yo. Tiredness and time constraints are definitely in the way of more sex. Right now we average 2 times a month. I don't want more sex if it means sacrificing sleep. I would just like my husband to be home while I'm awake!
  • We have been married nearly 25 years and the relationship and sex has never been better! Took work to get here but worth the effort!
  • Because of health issues on both our parts, sex isn't as often as either of us would like.
  • I rated sex lower than extremely important because I believe that things like faith/ relationship with God, faithfulness, trust and communication with each other, emotional/spiritual intimacy are things that would be of more importance. But in a healthy relationship, sex would (should) be a very important part of it. Also, my marriage is incredible! But I rated that a little lower, because I believe in the potential for it to be so much MORE incredible than it already is. (I am in a spiritually unequal marriage.)
  • I rated sex life lower simply because I don't feel I know very much yet. My husband always satisfies me but I think he would like me to show more variety in the bedroom that I haven't been comfortable with yet. Partly because we have still been married less than two years and partly because about a year of that he has had to travel extensively for work which leaves less ability to practice and learn.
  • As I've gotten older, I want it more and more.
  • My responses my be a little off due to sexual abuse within the marriage. We are working through and prayerfully overcoming this problem, but it as made me a little less excited about sex as a wife.
  • want to know everything..
  • My spouse & I both work odd hours which makes it difficult to be intimate as much as we would like to.
  • As my husband is smack dab in his midlife crisis, sex has become the major sticking point in our relationship. We have it, often, and it's great, but right now he is struggling with his desires for younger women. I am not often able to ignore that or accept that. So while sex is "important" right now, for us it just means that it is a frequent topic of discussion and compromise. I'm hoping that he can come back and realize that "having" a young girl will not fix his issues (not that I think for a second he would actually pursue one, but he can't get it out of his mind) but a loving, caring, supportive wife who honestly enjoys sex as much as he does - can fix a whole heck of a lot.

 

Men’s Comments:

 

  • When we were younger and the plumbing all worked perfectly, due to many issues between us (including her affairs), she was a rigid gatekeeper, often refusing to have sex more than 4-6 times per year. Now that we have repaired much in our marriage, the plumbing doesn't work so good anymore - mine nor hers!
  • wife with fibromyalgia, gone from few times a week to a few times a year. Although she often has time for her crafty things, fibro keeps US from doing much together, except shopping together. Trying to talk with her to explain how I feel that our life is full of non-essentials, and close to absent of essential. And understand why she is trying to advance such a mix. When we have sex, it is great, she climaxes multiple times. So why such limited frequency? She tells me she understands that sex is important, but her actions indicate otherwise. She has become quite the gatekeeper.
  • I know lots of men have it worse so I try not to complain. My wife know the importance of sex but it's like we can never get out of this rutt. We have sex about 3 times every 2 weeks. I would prefer every other day and sometimes daily but I just know that's not going to happen. I tried for years and I'm just done with it all. I have done what I can to not think about sex, I don't look at my wife sexually unless I'm sure it's going to happen, and I don't ever initiate because it doesn't ever work out if I try to. I know there's going to come a time when she wants it more and spitefully, I hope I don't need it or care when that time comes. I know for the first 3 years of our marriage I struggled off and on with lying about porn use, but it's been 4 years since all that and she still doesn't trust me. I don't know if that's why, maybe she is still punishing me? I don't know. Here's a question I know lots of guys have, how do we get our wives to trust us that we are no longer lying, or using porn. It's easy to prove someone has done one of those things. How do you prove that you haven't??? It's not like you can get caught "not looking at porn and lying about it". Sometimes it seem like I should start looking at porn again just to tell her I am... But I really don't ever want to look at porn again... Anyway, thanks for listening. :)
  • Our sex life ebbs and flows with the mood of my wife. Sometimes it is awesome but lately it has been less than I want. She was like it to be better in quantity but just lacks the desire. I should also say that when we do have sex it is amazing.
  • I really love sex with my wife. It has gotten better in the past year, but it hasn't ever been bad. I'm blessed with an amazing wife who really cares about our intimacy and who is with me trying to improve our already great marriage. I've been consciously trying to make our marriage great since it started. I haven't always made great decisions and we both had baggage from our past (porn, abuse, a prior marriage, etc.), but we were fortunate that our pastor wouldn't officiate our wedding without us going through a class and we both took what was presented to heart. That avoided many problems that we've seen in other marriages. Just deciding to make the good choices really helps, and when you do that, good sex comes along for the ride.
  • There was a period of time where we made love only once or twice a month (at best) and I felt like a room-mate, not a husband. It was very damaging to my self-esteem in all aspects of life.
  • Sexual intimacy and feeling desired are critical components to me feeling loved. My bride had a very difficult time seeing how completely the absence of these thing tore me apart. Sadly she had bought into the lies that society teaches about how terrible men are for wanting their wives. Of course, I'm not blameless either. I (unintentionally) hurt her emotionally many times by not understanding how to correctly communicate my emotions/desires/needs. 3 years ago our marriage and our sex life would have rated a 1 but through the Grace of God and with the help of the Christian marriage blogs we are turning it around.
  • Several medical issues have limited our ability to have a consistent sex life in the past several months.
  • We started marriage counseling about 2 years ago, and things are improving slowly but steadily. Two years ago I would have rated our sex a 1 because it was practically non-existent. Now we are talking and praying together, and the sex is happening more often. All I can say is don't give up, it can get better if you are willing to change.
  • We have a wonderful marriage -- 41 years. Our sex life is very good. Once a week is typical. A little more variety (positions, times, etc.) and maybe a mid-week quickie or manual would take it from a 6 to a 7.
  • There is plenty of room to improve. Interesting how you can think it was awesome, then find out that your spouse was not happy and it collapses. We're now digging out of that experience but my hope is that we will be better, stronger and more understanding of each other after.
  • Sex is very Good, it has good test
  • I am hopeful that it will get better, easier, and more unifying.
  • Getting better. Went from sex once/month to once/week recently. Hope to increase more.
  • Age 57 Wife 57, Married 38 years. We make love almost every day. Best sex is in the middle of the afternoon. She initiates as often as I do. We have a good marriage, Good communication. Sex gets better every year .
  • Answering question 6 is of course very subjective - maybe another survey could clarify how people answer that question. Is it in relation to their own expectation or to an external set of criteria, eg.: - does it bring you together as a couple - is it mutually fulfilling - are both initiating - is it being communicated about? - is it mostly a rote or more often an exciting encounter?
  • My wife often refuses to have sex for no stated reason. It is so frustrating. I completely understand men using prostitutes, having friends with benefits and having affairs. Marriage is so empty and meaningless without sex.
  • I am lucky enough to have a wife that loves sex. She masturbates regularly, and climaxes most every time we have sex. We have a lot of sex, from lazy sex to all around the room, position changes. I know how lucky I am. She even shares with me what she wants, and I do with her... it’s awesome. Previous marriages for each of us has shown us how blessed we are to be with each other now.
  • Used to be a 6. Then life started happening and if she didn't get what she wanted she held out. I used to give her what she wanted but then realized what was going on. But by that time I had "created a monster". Now we are working through it.
  • More variety and more initiating from my wife would make it rate higher.
  • We are currently in a long distance relationship due to military orders.
  • The main thing is that you talk even if one didn't feel like there is anything to talk about. Listen, learn how your spouse is feeling then work it out together.
  • Sexless marriage for almost 3 years now. I give up on that being a part of marriage. No kids.
  • We started improving when I communicated my desire and wish to my wife, I explained or taught her the importance sex to a man.
  • We have sex at best twice a month... I feel like I am imposing on her even having it that often.. Thing is she was upset I, as she said, never even try anymore.. But I do not because invariably she either is too tired has a headache, stomach ache, or out of the mood because of an argument with either one of the kids or myself. So why try when it will only upset her for not being aware of how she is feeling.
  • I have a great sex life with a very giving, compassionate woman who I am desperately in love with after dating, engaged and being married to for 31 years. We are 48 and ever year seems to get better. We have teenage twins, which occupies a lot of our time but if we were childless we joke that we would stay home, quit work and make love all day. Being compassionate on both sides makes a big difference. Love your wife like Christ loved the Church. Don't do it for the results, do it because it is the way God intended it to be. The results will be nothing short of fantastic. Thank you Paul for helping me understand this, through your ministry my marriage has truly changed over the last few years. I love getting your emails first thing in the morning, they give me a chance to reflect on my spirituality and meditate. I start everyday thinking about how I can be a better servant to God and a better husband and father.
  • Can say things have gotten better the last few years due to info. you have shared with us from this site. Thanks!!!!!!!
  • We've had plenty of struggles over the years, and while we're not quite "there" yet, we're making a lot of forward progress. Answering this survey on the day of our 12th anniversary.
  • Am tired of having to stand on Mount Everest and jump up and down just to get her attention, much less have a chance at having sex.
  • We have ups & downs like everyone else. Our marriage has been doing good even though the sex part has been so so. But thanks to you I know that things can and will continue to improve with better choices on my part.
  • Isn't a sexless marriage kind of like a bank without a penny? Sex is and has always been more important to me than her-- but it is more important to us both than probably 80% of the couples we know from church, and neighbors.
  • My wife has learned a lot from the generous wife, the marriage bed and other websites. This has resulted in more variety and frequency of sex. We both desire each other more now. Our sex life is awesome now, it hasn't always been that way.
  • My wife does not put the same emphasis on intimacy that I do..:(
  • My sex drive has never changed, but my wife's has. During our teens and 20's, she was always eager and responsive. During our 30's, sex became less frequent, almost non-existent. We almost divorced during this time. Now that we are in our 40's, she is much more willing and responsive. I hope this trend continues!
  • We both brought emotional baggage into the marriage. We have had ups and downs, but God has done great things in our marriage with promises for greater things ahead. Sex was good to begin with, but it hit a ceiling after a few years. Digging into emotional issues has been helpful for her. Engaging in foreskin restoration/skin expansion has been very helpful for me. Our best days are ahead!
  • I am very blessed in my marriage and for the most part marriage and sex life very satisfying. But it's not quite to the point that I want it to be. Don't think we are at true intimacy yet where you can be wholly open, honest, uninhibited, vulnerable and not afraid of judgment or rejection. Keep working towards it.
  • Sex life could be better, but the momentum for change is what matters most and that is good now.
  • Marriage is intended to be the most significant and influential human relationship that we will ever experience.
  • Scheduling conflicts and physical problems, both hers and mine, are putting quite a dent in our arc life.
  • Her coming off hormonal birth control has given her an increasing appetite, praise God!
  • My wife is really trying to become a better lover but still has some hang ups that prevent her from letting go and enjoying more variety.
  • My wife is a gate keeper so we live in a sexless marriage
  • Being older, we've had to slow down, and there are somethings that are off the table, but it's still pretty awesome. :)
  • When we have sex, it's usually a 6 or 7, but it's not anywhere near enough for me. I rated my sex life a 4 after frequency was factored in.
  • After 19 years of marriage, we are still learning about each other in the marriage bed and it keeps getting better. It is more intimate and intentional while still finding time to try new things.
  • sex, when we have it (less than once a week), is good. thus I gave a rating of only 4.
  • Our sex life is practically non-existent right now due to a difficult pregnancy. But even when we were having sex, I felt it wasn't as great as it could be, or it was really just to have a baby and not an act of intimacy between my wife and I. Furthermore, porn has skewed my view of sex and my wife's lack of understanding how important sex is in a marriage has led to this. Therefore I'm working to break the bonds I stupidly accepted as a teenager when viewing porn and waiting patiently for my wife to realize her mistake and stop neglecting me. But I know once we do have the baby, that will be where most of our focus will end up, and thus, fixing our sex life will take a back seat for years to come, decades even.
  • My wife and I have been together for 23 years and married 19. We have 4 sons and I miscarriage... we are currently in marital counseling to see if we can work through a few bugs... But strangely enough... Our sex life is better than it's ever been... And even when we're upset with each other... We still have sex... Better sex here in our 40's than when we did in our early 20's...! #Anomaly
  • Sex is higher on my list of importance than hers, but she is very accommodating in this area. We are just at a season in our lives (3 young children) that makes our lives extremely busy and often leaves one or the other too tired, or simply not around to make that connection as often as I would like.
  • Zero sex life...
  • My wife "enjoys" sex, but it isn't as important to her as is it is to me. I feel like if she allowed herself to relax more and just enjoy our physical intimacy without worrying about how/where we're touching, and how things are "supposed" to be, she'd find that she actually might _want_ sex on a regular basis.
  • I think Dr. Phil said it, when Sex isn't an issue it isn't an issue. When Sex is an issue, it's THE ISSUE in a marriage. I totally agree. Now how do I kill a decade long issue...
  • I'm kind of missing a distinction between how important you feel sex is, and how important you think it should be.
  • She's a wonderful wife, but passion in LM is not her thing.
  • We have some major communication issues and sex is just one of them.
  • We're both very tired in the evenings due to our work and we're on somewhat different schedules. I do wish our sex life had more frequency and a little more adventurous. Bottom line: I love my wife, I think she's hot, just work and varying schedules gets in the way too often!
  • I guess I'm what you would consider high drive. I want sex daily though it's only a need after two days without. I would like more variety, spontaneity, & for her to initiate more often. That being said she never says no, but I don't ask daily because I don't want her to be miserable. I know she doesn't want it daily. I typically masturbate on the days we don't have sex. I want to be more open about that and have her be apart of that as well. Fear of rejection and not wanting to push her away with my high desire. (Happened in previous marriage)
  • The only reason I rate my sex life at a 6 is because we get stuck doing the same position often and then every blue moon we do something different. Her hand jobs have gotten better, but she still tries just to get me off and then quite. Sex is still good, just tired of the same thing all the time.
  • I find that the more frequent our sex is, the happier we are otherwise and I am not likely to wander with my thoughts or my eyes!
  • Just keeps getting better.
  • It keeps getting better ;)
  • I'm happy with my sex life and marriage but believe there's always room to grow and improve in both.
  • My desire for sex still surpasses my wife's. While our marriage is great, I would like both more variety and frequency in our sex life. While once a week is good, some mid-week quickies or even a hand job now and then would certainly go a long way to curbing my urges. My wife won't do (or receive) oral so that's out. We do use toys, just vibrators and C-rings, so that adds some excitement. Mixing things up with more than a few standard, go-to positions or different times of the day or rooms of the house would certainly add some freshness and excitement to our lives.
  • My wife is always tired, makes excuses not to have sex, I help around the house and with the kids so she can rest and she still does not want to have sex. Says she does not have any issues but does not get any sexual feelings towards me. She works in the banking industry and volunteers at church and is always busy with others things and has no time to be intimate, when there is a break, she wants to sleep. Don't know how long I can keep holding on and praying things will change. We are in our early thirties. Two kids age 5 and 1 and half. I do more with the kids than her so it’s not the kids making her tired. Our sex life went from couple times a week when we were married to once every three months. I need help!!
  • After 10 years of a so-so marriage and a so-so sex life, we both determined to make the changes we need to improve both. After 4 years, our marriage and sex is better and more intimate as ever. We both have a ways to go, but it's a lot of fun trying to get there.
  • Marriage is good, sex life is...improving. Frequency is the big one - more frequent would not only be better overall but would make the whole sex life better in general. Quality comes WITH quantity. It's not an either/or proposition.
  • Wife has fibromyalgia and chronic pain so, sex can never be the very best it could be.
  • The sex we have is amazing. But it's once every weeks. If the house is perfectly clean, the dishwasher is run and unloaded, the laundry is done (nothing dry left in the dryer!), and a dozen other little things have all fallen into place, then my wife can turn into a wild woman! But we each work 40-55 hours a week, and we rarely have days off together, and often eat at different times due to our work hours. This presents no problem at all, and we get along great. But there are rarely times when EVERYTHING is done from our chore list so she can concentrate on sex. I think she thinks I'm just an oversexed ape because I want it more frequently than her. She has actually said "We're the same age! If I don't need it all the time YOU don't need it all the time!" It's the only area of my marriage I have any issue with.
  • Lack of time together is the biggest obstacle
  • It has improved greatly since I started following The Marriage Bed and their two blogs. Before my marriage was good, but even after years of marriage my wife did not characterize my need for touch and sex as a need. This caused me lots of issues.
  • I love, love, love making love to my wife. While I enjoy the act itself too, the joy of bringing her pleasure is beyond words. I think about all the time.
  • About 4 years ago my wife and I sat down and spoke about various aspects of our marriage including sex. Since then we have had an incredible sex life. We often wish that we have spoken sooner! There is that saying about putting a pebble in a glass jar for the first year of marriage and then you will never empty it, well we have emptied that jar a fair amount of times in the past 4 years.
  • I am an extremely blessed man. I have a fairly high sex drive, and I'm married to a woman who really likes sex and has a fairly high drive herself. We've been married 18 years and have sex not every day (we do have six kids, and life is very busy and tiring) but roughly every other day or so. It's extremely important to both of us, and we both see it as "glue" for our relationship, as it positively affects every other area of our marriage.
  • My wife has issues regarding sex. She is working on them with a counselor. But it's still really hard, and that is the main issue driving down my overall marriage score.
  • Seeking more frequent and adventurous sex with my lovely wife. Getting better and better as we seek to be better spouses.
  • getting better like wine.

 

 

 

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