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Handjobs (for him)

250 women and 669 men have answered
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  • The numbers are similar for men and women, although women report slightly higher rates. This could be due to the fact women answering average about a decade younger than men answering.
  • About a quarter of couples did this in the past, but not now. (Would have been interesting to ask how many of these did it before marriage but not after.)
  • About a quarter do it once a month or less.
  • A little under a quarter do handjobs a few times a month.
  • Ten percent of couples do this once a week.
  • Less than 5% do it more than once a week.

© surveymonkey.com

There were some correlations between these answers and how often a woman performs a handjob:

  • “I don’t know how” chosen by 46% of those who have never done it, and 40% of those who no longer do it.
  • Because he gets all he wants was most common for those giving hand jobs a few times a month (62%) and those doing it weekly (49%).
  • “Sex should be about more than physical release” was chosen by 17% of those not giving hand jobs, and 20% of those doing it less than once a month.

Other answers [followed by the number who gave the answer]:

  • He does not like it or does not think it’s right. [8]
  • He/we have other ways of doing something just for him. (A quickie for most, oral for some) [9]
  • Marriage problems (reconciling, divorcing, porn use). [5]
  • I do it frequently. [4]
  • Mostly do it on my period or when pregnant. [5]
  • He does this himself, he does not need me. [2]
  • He wants it instead of sex when I want sex. [2]
  • We always have sex for both of us, never for one of us. [3]
  • Makes me feel bad about myself or our relationship. [3]
  • Takes too long/he struggles to climax this way. [3]
  • Hurts me (muscles, Carpal Tunnel). [2]
  • He wants sex to always be long and full. [2]

© surveymonkey.com

  • Seventy-eight percent want to receive a handjob or more handjobs. Of those not getting them, 63% would like them.
  • Seventeen percent are happy with how often they receive hand jobs. The vast majority who said this were receiving two or more a week. Only 14% of those receiving them less than once a week were satisfied with the frequency.
  • Only 5% of men do not want handjobs.

© surveymonkey.com

Fourteen percent of the men expressed opposition for some reason. Of those:

  • Forty-three percent don’t think they are very good.
  • A third think it lets their wife of the hook for sex.
  • A quarter say their wife can’t do it very well.
  • Only 1% feel it’s wrong.

Other answers [followed by the number who gave the answer]:

  • She won’t take instruction. [2]
  • We both prefer some other form of sex. [3]
  • I can do it better. [2]
  • No enthusiasm when she does it. [2]
  • I need her to orgasm too. [3]
  • Just not enough/I want intercourse. [4]
  • I can’t climax this way. [2]

Women’s comments:

  • I hate giving him handjobs. Only if he begs and it has been a while since we've made love will I agree to it.
  • I wish I knew how to do this better because I really struggle with oral sex on him (can't see it through to completion because it grosses me out and also feels degrading). Luckily, I have been getting over my issues with being interested in sex in general, and we have sex (intercourse) as much as we both want to. We don't have kids right now, and I know our repertoire will have to change when they come (hence my interest in learning about hand jobs), but for now, we're in a groove we both like.
  • Married 32 years and the last four years we have made love the equivalent of every day. Not every day but multiple times other days. Hand jobs are reserved for places where we can't have sex. It's really a tease for him to know what's in store when we get home.
  • I would give more handjobs, blowjobs, etc. because I think it's great, and important to a marriage; but it is not reciprocated. It creates huge resentment for me because I am so willing, but it is rarely about just me and my pleasure. If I show any interest in him, then it is either about both of us or turns into being just about him. It makes me sad.
  • He enjoys it .
  • I think I assume he wouldn't want a hand job. I know he enjoys 'lip service'!
  • We both prefer sex but I feel an occasional handjob is an important part of our relationship as well. I am not comfortable having sex during my period, for example, so we usually find at least one time during that week to take a shower together and I lend a helping hand. I prefer handjobs to take place in the shower because we both still connect very much physically and emotionally this way, so it doesn't feel like "just" release; we still connect on a deeper level. This was an especially important aspect of our relationship while I recovered from childbirth. In both situations, we BOTH benefitted and connected sexually, even if we did not have sex. He needs the release and I need the connection. There have also been times where he is working on a project that keeps him crazy busy and then I am taking care of all three of our young children with no breaks. During weeks like this, he is genuinely too tired for sex and I am touched out from our kids, so I will jump in the shower with him early in the morning to connect with him then. It's a poor substitute, but it releases stress for him and lets me know we are still in this together, even if we don't have time or energy for sex.
  • It just feels awkward
  • I'm plainly too lazy to do this for him. I used to, but somewhere along the years, I quit.
  • We have intercourse almost every day but I still give my husband a hand job several times a week. This is as much for me as it is for him. I love the feeling of him responding to my touch. I especially love to feel him get harder and thicker just before he ejaculates and then the feeling and sight of him finally ejaculating. It's a real turn on for me and it gives me great satisfaction knowing that he's enjoying such pleasure at my hands. And he says that I'm pretty good at it :-)
  • I am giving him more hand jobs at the moment because we have just had a baby and sex is still uncomfortable for me.
  • We consider this foreplay for him. I think it also makes him last longer and longer.
  • Sometimes a handjob is just the right job! I never mind doing this
  • We mostly use this option during my time of the month so that his needs are met. Surprisingly I do enjoy this as its one more way to bring him pleasure and I don't see it as a chore.
  • I love doing it for my husband!
  • I do give him handjobs on occasion, but mostly he gets them while I'm recovering postpartum...otherwise we'd rather have intercourse or he gets a blowjob.
  • Hubby can have whatever he's in the mood for and vice versa, we have a great sex life...hand job would be a sexy quickie, not a substitute for something not given.
  • Typically I would give him a BJ over a HJ, but there is usually lots of hand stimulation in a BJ.
  • I can't make him go off all the way.
  • I give him handjobs as a once in a while thing or if I'm unwell enough for sex. I have the higher drive so hubs never feels deprived.
  • He likes it to become aroused but he does not like climax that way. He prefers intercourse for climax.
  • My husband enjoys me bringing him "to the brink" by hand a lot and prefers to orgasm less often than I'm willing to do for him. It's his way of extending his pleasure. And I very much enjoy doing it for him.
  • Our sex life was horrible for years. It was not until it came out that there was a huge porn issue and infidelity in the past that we started on our journey of healing. I never realized how much my husband needed sex. Like most new moms, they were my focus and my husband never spoke up that this was a big issue for him. While our sex life is wonderful now, as a woman, it still seems rather strange to feel like I should help him out, if you know what I mean. God created us all differently, but it is hard to truly grasp that men cannot just wait and do something else. Self-control is possible and I think it is part of the give and take of a good marriage.
  • Why is it the woman’s job to meet his sexual needs? If things were the other way it would still be her fault! Sex is more than orgasm it’s the connection BOTH SHOULD FEEL not one feels while the other is now tasked with helping him daily!
  • Since my husband is in recovery for SA, he says that it feels wrong since it's what he did by himself for so long. He prefers intercourse over any other sex act now...
  • While he enjoys getting a handjob, he tells me he likes to touch me when I am touching him.
  • I guess I'd be kind of afraid that a handjob would become the normal or something. I mean, if he offered to "do" me without me having to do anything or reciprocate...well it's a tempting thought. When you're tired from the responsibilities of the day wouldn't it sound nice to get something for nothing? And then that something for nothing becomes expected, a habit...I'm just not sure it sounds like a great idea. But maybe I'm more selfish than my husband would be.
  • I think I should have put my loooong comment in here. Sorry!!
  • Our sex drive now is fairly well matched, although his is still a bit higher. I am more likely to give him oral than a hand job if he's in the mood and I'm not.
  • We have sex for the both of us. It's never just "for him" or just "for her" so there is no need for "hand jobs". Sure, manual and oral stimulation is great as foreplay but we always finish with intercourse.
  • My husband would not accept this. He thinks only intercourse is sex.
  • I would love to, but (I think) he would rather roll me over (like a blowup doll). I've never suggested it because I'm afraid it's too similar to masturbation.
  • If that's how he wants to climax, then that is what I will do. We have a very frequent and varied sex life with neither one of us feeling higher drive than the other. The mutual understanding is we ask each other what we want and love pleasuring each other!
  • I've learned so much how to take care of his needs the issue very rarely comes up. Last night was the first night in a long time he took care of it himself. His need was a sleep aid and it was so cold in our room, water froze...
  • Thanks to this I will be starting this conversation tonight! This may be what we are looking for. Might satisfy both sides happily.
  • I am not clear as to whether a hand job is just satisfying him, or using manual stimulation for his pleasure as a part and release during the same time period as he does the same for me, during times of abstinence from intercourse due to birth control method being as such.
  • Another reason I don't give handjobs often is because it is so very, very difficult for me to have an orgasm, and it makes me somewhat jealous to see how quick and easy it is for him.
  • Where's the survey for the high drive wife? LOL! I would like to have more opportunities to practice this skill... We're older, 50's, and this is a newly acquired skill. Hubby doesn't like to give direction, and he has never finished this way. He "enjoys" it, but never requests it and sometimes turns it down. I would like to improve this skill, and while I am very grateful for the digital world, I'm having difficulty finding how-to's on SAFE websites. (Real details, with all the frankness and practicality of The Forgiven Wife's style of writing.) Another note, I find serving up this activity very beneficial for my own pleasure, and, truthfully, this could easily qualify as a mutually enjoyable quickie. He has never suggested an exclusive hand-job for my benefit, he merely declines intimacy altogether. Manual stimulation is a regular and generous part of our usual encounters though. The shoe being on the other foot, so to speak, I'm not sure I would be immediately comfortable with the exclusivity. I suppose it would require another layer of trust, like oral activities. Frankly, I sometimes suspect that his inability to fully enjoy a hand-job may be related to his long-ago past, rather than my lack of skill. We have discussed this topic, and he says it doesn't factor into our present relationship, but I still have doubts. Our current sexual revival began last year and I am looking forward to the rest of the learning curve.
  • I've done this for him already when I'm not in the mood and/or too tired.
  • I'd rather give him a blow job than a hand job. BJs excite me, too, & they're often faster, especially in the mornings or after it's been a couple days. My arm gets tired & crampy during most HJs. All this being said, I wish he'd take more control & do more to/for me, even though it's takes SO much longer.
  • Your XY code blog post listed some "givens" that aren't necessarily so. It takes him MUCH longer than 5 minutes. A "quickie" would be anything under 15. I get cramping and burning in my muscles long before he's done. Same problem with blow jobs. He's the one getting the pleasure, shouldn't he get off his butt and do the work involved?
  • I would be happy giving my husband a handjob or bj twice a day, seven days a week - I enjoy seeing him get crazy - but he always says, "Now I want to be in you." If I'm tired, or otherwise indisposed, I'll offer him one of the 'jobs' but he says no. This is despite the fact that he seems to enjoy it more than regular old P in V. Occasionally he'll take a hand job AFTER a couple rounds of sex! Tell me again about how if you give him all he wants, he'll slow down! LOL! And he is over 65!
  • I think hand jobs are great! There is great eye contact, I get to watch him enjoy what I am doing to him and he is sooo grateful afterwards. He calls me "Magic Hands".
  • We consider the 'hand job' a secondary option. It’s not ideal, but when, for some reason, sex just isn't wanted (by one or both, but he still is feeling that 'need') it is a way to give him release while we are both still involved. And that's what's important, we think, that we are both involved.
  • There are 2 usual reasons why I am not in the mood: fatigue or lack of connection. Giving him a hand job really does nothing for either of these. With very small children, work schedules, & a couple of very ill family members pulling at us, extreme, bone-weary fatigue can really zap my sex drive. So when he says, "how about a quickie?" & I say, "I'd love to but I just can't hold my eyes open" & he says "fine how about a handjob?" it honestly seems like the same thing to me. And frankly, it will probably take longer than intercourse. Similarly, if we haven't connected emotionally in a while it just seems a little inconsiderate for one partner to effectively say, "I need for you to meet my needs even though we can't meet your needs right now." Men often talk about their physical NEED for release. What if a woman said she was physically uncomfortable when her needs haven't been met? Sometimes my heart literally hurts because I just miss being my husband's friend. When I feel connected to him, I'm happy to meet his sexual needs any time & almost anywhere.
  • My husband is a particular person in all areas of his life; not to be mean or difficult, it's just the way he is. If things aren't done just so, it bothers him. For the small things I choose to either do it his way or he chooses to get over it. Sex is not one of those small things. I used to try to give him handjobs all the time when we were first married, but because I cannot replicate what it feels like when he masturbates (my hand is on the wrong side in relation to his hand on himself for starters) then he is unable to finish at all. So we both just get frustrated.
  • He has never needed a hand job. I know he wants to finish in me, that's a given. I am amazed that husbands can "finish" within minutes with a hand job. Wow...within minutes!
  • It's taken us a few (probably 20!) years to get to this stage, where I'll happily give him a handjob whenever he wants one. I find it arousing and often it leads to full on intercourse anyways. When we first got married I found his sperm quite icky and gross whereas I now like it and have no issue with it being all over me. I like the intimacy of it all - whether it's a handjob at bedtime or full on intercourse. I’m also happy that at the age of 53 he still makes love to me 3-4 times a week whilst also needing a handjob once a week or more. He's healthy and so is his libido!
  • I have no problems with giving him a hand job. I wish he would give them to me more!
  • It actually takes about 30 minutes to finish him this way (versus about 5 minutes if he gives me a hand job, FYI!) - I have asked before, and his preference for sexual activities is intercourse, oral, breast sex, hand job. - It's much harder work for me with very little enjoyment, compared to sex which is slightly less work with lots of enjoyment.

 

Men’s Comments:

  • Sometimes I would like to be "done" by an enthusiastic partner while I get to relax. Yes, once in a while I would like it to be "all about me" instead of having to convince my partner to allow me to attempt to pleasure her.
  • Opposed? Are you kidding? Anything and more of anything would be better than what I always have to ask for or initiate now.
  • I prefer oral to handjobs, when PIV isn't an option. But my wife blesses me as frequently as she can in any event.
  • My wife is convinced that there should be relative reciprocity between us with regard to number of orgasms. Very rarely is she in the mood to just give me one and not have one herself. Additionally, while she is fine with oral and manual orgasms, she views PIV to be superior. The end result is that if we going to be intimate is it nearly always PIV.
  • She won't do it because she says "it's weird" but no more explanation.?
  • We haven't had any kind of sexual for over 13 years..
  • When we can't have intercourse or she doesn't want to, I would prefer some oral, but am blessed that she so often does something (handjob) when I ask.
  • Do enjoy her touch but has never masters the touch to really excite.
  • A wife who refuses is being selfish, and a man who refuses to allow his wife to serve him that way is foolish. Maybe she is not very good at it....practice and communication are a good thing. My wife is unable to climax from intercourse, so technically we give each other hand jobs. She gets one every time she desires an orgasm since oral sex (giving and receiving) is gross in her opinion.
  • It would be fun to try it more and have her get better at it, but being in and finishing in her vagina is the ultimate experience for pleasure and marital unity. If she is too tired for sex, I think a hand job is just as much or more work for her as quickie intercourse would be.
  • My wife gives me a hand job during her time of the month because she knows I must have release and I cannot wait till we can make love together again. I love when she gives me a hand job. I love to feel her hands on my penis.
  • 33 years ago, she tried it once without the lights on, told me it was taking too long and made a joke about it which caused me to lose interest, never apologized for her remark and never offered to do it again.
  • I wish we could talk more about it, and be proactive about sex so that I'm not dying from hunger. That's usually when the handjob happens.
  • I am fine with receiving a hand job now and then when my wife is physically unable to engage in other activities. I just ask that she get in to it and not just phone it in.
  • It's a way for her to give a blessing even when intercourse is not possible or comfortable for her.
  • Handjobs are helpful because they can be quicker and less taxing on both of us sometimes. She has learned to get pleasure from it, in pleasing me. And yet I do not let this take the place of intercourse or whatever else gives her greater satisfaction when she desires.
  • I'd much much much rather have sex (even a quickie) or oral. She's not interested in the latter and feels she's giving me more "personal attention" with a handjob vs sex, but I'd rather have the sex if I had the choice. I might feel that way because I feel I don't get enough sex.
  • There are times where a good "hand job" would be great during her cycle when she doesn’t want sex, or other times....but it just doesn’t happen. She isn’t much on hand jobs....
  • Great for a quick sexual release, but not as a substitute for love-making!
  • This typically only occurs during her period.
  • She has occasionally, but her general opinion is that if she isn't in the mood for sex it isn't happening in any way shape or form. When I have asked about it she basically tells me she isn't comfortable with it.
  • Being the higher drive spouse I would love if she would give me a hand on the off days that we aren't having sex. I do it myself most days.
  • Love them!
  • I'll take any sexual contact my wife is willing to give or receive! I give oral but she refuses that too?? Wasn't always that way??
  • Although I love getting handjobs, my wife doesn't get any pleasure from them so I don't suggest/ask for them as much as I'd like. Sex is for us, not just me.
  • Would prefer blow job!
  • I wish....
  • She provides me this release during her monthly "out of commission" times. It is a treat and blessing.
  • This is a great option when she's not up to a full session. Usually we use lube and it is fantastic. Orgasms this way are as intense as with oral, and more intense than from intercourse.
  • It happens as part of foreplay, but never by itself. I'd be willing to try it...
  • Not as good as both us of having orgasm, but still great.
  • I like to be able to just lay back spread my legs while she strokes me and plays with everything, sometimes I give her oral at same time
  • Hand jobs are a distant number 2 compared to the real thing.
  • I feel due to the lack of sexual intercourse my release comes much sooner with a hand job and we don't get to enjoy the length of the connection that intercourse provides.
  • I struggled for many years sexual in our marriage. After a couple of ultimatums and trying to explain my side of things, we came up with the handjob. I asked her to choose something sexual that she would never refuse to do even if she was tired, and the handjob was her choice. It has taken a lot of stress off our marriage and helps me feel connected to my wife more than ever before. We still strive for sex once a week. Without this act of love and the never refusing (within reason) giving me a handjob, I fear our marriage would not have lasted. She has now gotten where she even asks if I want one quite often and we are having more sex than we used to.
  • Any additional to our repertoire would be welcomed...
  • Handjobs are great. We use them during her time of the month primarily and it provides a great way to have intimacy and release. Using a lubricant helps the feel and sensation. She changes her hand position which adds different sensations.
  • Hand jobs used to happen more often. Takes her awhile to finish me so it was always a lot of work for her. Since she has started oral, that has replaced hands jobs. Not going to complain about that.
  • I would love this but don't know how to bring it up or ask for. Would need to "train" her and that just seems a bit weird. She's not one to read blogs or find ways to bless me in the bedroom. Thinks giving me sex once in a while is good enough and why would she do more?
  • DW gives amazing hand jobs. I now with her that she needs to teach a class on it. There are marriages around me that would be better if the wives could do an HJ like mine. DW gets involved. She takes off her shirt so I can see her and feel get next to me. She spends ample time fondling all of me down there and switches between stroking and fondling often to tease me throughout the session. (Best Part) She moans as if we're having sex and she'll do it softly in my ear while she strokes me! She will also bubble and lick my ear and neck which is amazing for me. (Bonus) Sometimes she will whisper in my ear while doing me and that sets me off! It's usually describing my member or it might be describing how she felt when we did an act together. Amazing! (Another Bonus) A few times she has done me while kneeling next to me and bouncing and moaning loudly to stimulate her being on top of me. You can tell why HJs in our home are considered part of our sex life. She will offer it when she's on her cycle or when she knows I need a quick release and she's not interested in pleasure for herself. She takes great joy in doing it which, in my opinion, is the key factor in why I count it as sex.
  • Usually when I ask for one it is because I perceive that is all she will say yes to. However, if she does it she usually finishes on top of me because now with the object of her pleasure in hand she desires something for herself to enjoy.
  • While not as nice as piv or oral, it still shows that she cares about my needs and drive, so I'd love to get it more. Unfortunately she considers the clean-up "worse" than piv ... So it’s rare.
  • Handjobs are great foreplay! Handjobs without climax build stamina and if done lovingly are agonisingly wonderful. Mix in some oral and the results are heavenly! She can stop and start on cue. She can finish me any way she wants, she has options. She has already been to the mountain top and ready to give, morning, noon and night.
  • She says she can't do it long enough for me to orgasm so she just ignores it. Very frustrating.
  • I would love for her to reach over and just do it without me asking. I would always respond and would never say no for sure. She's only done it for me a few times during our 20 year marriage, but I always got the sense that she really wasn't enjoying doing it but was doing it out of obligation somehow because when she was pregnant and we couldn't have sex on drs. orders. She also wasn't doing it quite right and I was trying to politely tell her to do it slightly differently. While intercourse is still the Gold Standard, I would love to have mutual masturbation on a much more frequent schedule. It's all good to me!
  • Because of my size "down there" (not what it's cracked up to be) and issues she has with fluctuating hormones, intercourse is usually too painful for her for the last half of her cycle. I'm fine with any alternatives to intercourse, and some of the time she is too, but sometimes she gets frustrated that her body won't cooperate with what she wants to do. Rather than accept the situation, she just shuts down and avoids intimacy completely. But, she's aware of the issue and doesn't like it any more than I do, so she's working to change her attitude. As you talk about, though, that change is slow and there are setbacks along the way, and I need to be supportive of her efforts even if I'm frustrated at the pace.
  • We have some health issues and can't always have intercourse. Usually we have oral sex and or handjobs or both 4-5 times a week. she usually starts on me, then gets turned on, then I do it for her. We switch on each other 2 or 3 times. Usually she finishes first, then finishes me off. Just because we can't "have sex" doesn't mean we can't "have sex" if you get my drift. My wife is a blessing.
  • This is the only option that works for us. PTL!
  • A hand job as you put it, is still a sexual activity that needs to be taught. He needs to teach her what each touch does for him.
  • It is a good option for us for when it is her time of the month or is physical not able to have intercourse. Intercourse is both of our preferred choice.

 

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