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Got Sex Secrets?

130 Women and 262 Men have answered
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© surveymonkey.com

  • More men than women are keeping premarital sex secrets. Overall 41% of men and 22% of women have one or more such secrets from their spouse.
  • Other for women included consensual sex play with a sibling and abortion.
  • Other for men included consensual sex play with a sibling, premarital masturbation, and childhood peeking.
  • For women, those under 25 had a much higher rate of sexual secrets than other ages. This was primarily due to hidden porn use at 4 to 6 times that of older women.
  • For men undisclosed porn use was more common for those under 35, about 1½ times more common than for older men.

© surveymonkey.com

  • Again men are keeping more secrets, and by a wider margin. Fifty five percent of men have one or more post-marriage sex secrets, while only 29% of women have such secrets.
  • For women, other includes sexual fantasies, buying a sex toy, and an emotional affair.
  • For men, other includes on-line chat, fetishes, how far adultery went, flirting, sexual fantasies, secretly taking nude pictures of his wife, and not sharing with her sex acts he desires.
  • For women under 25 secret porn use was more than double what it was for older women.
  • For men secret masturbation went up with age, from 11% for those under 25 to 45% for those 55 and over.

Women’s Comments:

  • Additionally, my husband will not tell me about his past relationships. I don’t even know if he was a virgin when we married (I doubt it). He says it would cause too much hurt and be unproductive. He also doesn’t know that I know about his recent porn use, a hidden playboy calendar (I threw away) and I suspect strip club visits. There’s also the emotional affair with the babysitter, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he did some inappropriate stuff while working away from home since that was about the time he stopped pleasuring me in bed and took all oral sex off the table.
  • With the porn use… on the rare occasion I look up nonchristian sex blogs that have some pictures. He doesn’t know.
  • My husband is hiding porn use from me. He views videos on his phone, and I feel upset about it. I don’t know what to do. I can’t trust him.
  • My husband and I talk openly about our sex lives both before and after our marriage. However, this is because I caught my husband in an adulterous affair and later found out he committed adultery for the first 25 1/2 years of our marriage. The secrets he kept was the use of porn (porn is NOT harmless!), numerous emotional affairs, physical affairs, and finally two sexual affairs. Had I known his “secrets” we could have sought help much sooner, hopefully before physical and sexual adultery took place. Through much counseling and accountability, and by the Grace of God, we are still together and working through devastation of adultery – It’s the most horrible thing that can happen to a marriage and family, and it’s the hardest to overcome. It’s simply not worth it! Secrets become strongholds. Sin and secrets thrive in darkness. Once brought to the light, sin can no longer thrive there. Don’t keep secrets…it will destroy you and your marriage.
  • I have no secrets, but my husband can check off all of these except of course the “none of these” ones.
  • I made sure my husband knew all my sexual secrets before we married–fairly early in our relationship, in fact. There were a couple things that would’ve been deal-breakers for some guys, and I thought he should know these things before he felt trapped in a relationship.
  • When I met my husband and knew he was the one, I wanted to protect him from the facts about my past sexual relationship with my high school sweetheart. I had only been with my high school boyfriend, so that was a comfort to my future husband but I never went into detail about the amount of sex we had. Which was a lot. We dated for over 4 years and all of my sexual firsts were with him. I guess I always wanted to protect my husband from that.
  • I was raised in a Christian home, and I was home-schooled so I never had that much exposure to the “sexual world”. I mean of course there were times when stuff like that pops up but I was always taught to look away and have nothing to do with it.
  • I had the luxury of marrying my best friend who I have known since I was 12 so he’s been there to witness all of my harmful foolishness. No secrets.

Men’s Comments:

  • I would never lie to my wife. However, it is easy to just not encourage certain topics to come up.
  • I have lived a life of secrets from when I was a young boy. I find it impossible to be totally honest with anyone, including myself.
  • Telling her all the ways I cheated on her, mentally and physically, was hard on both of us. Especially her. But it was the most freeing thing I could’ve done – for both of us!
  • My DW is very vanilla, with little to no interest in anal play, role-playing, or anything other than the two most common sexual positions. I have a recurring problem with porn that ties into my desire to explore some of these things. I have discussed these interests with her, and if she doesn’t react with revulsion, she reacts with complete disinterest. Bringing up any if these issues more than once (regardless of time frame) results in anger.
  • I don’t keep secrets from my spouse. When I sin sexually, besides confessing to the Lord, I also confess to my wife and ask for her forgiveness.
  • Sometimes wonder if I could have some bisexual tendencies. I’ve never acted on them, but viewed porn and have some curiosity. Don’t know how or if I could ever discuss openly with my wife.
  • I’m grateful that God has grown us to the point of having no secrets. Having no secrets was scary at first but is sooooo freeing!
  • Not to condone my adultery, but my seeking sexual intimacy outside of my marriage is a direct result of my wife’s disinterest despite my attempts to have her seek counseling with me.
  • I have no secrets now, but in the past I did. Not sharing them before we were married tore me apart inside. I received much healing after telling my wife about my past, including Porn addiction before marriage and during our married life. I also was not a virgin when we got married and did not disclose that info to her. I then passed up several opportunities to tell the truth. Fortunately my wife forgave both the original sins and both the secrets and the lies.
  • Not really keeping secrets just not volunteering information. Keep lots of sexual fantasies to myself until our sex life picks up again too.
  • It was really scary when I first shared. I don’t think anyone has a perfect path, but we tend to think we should have a perfect path, or even that our spouse should have a perfect path. We don’t. It is liberating to share. It took several months before the fear that resulted from my disclosure was replaced with trust, but it did happen and is much better in the long run. I still have some hesitancy of being open with my wife, but the benefits are much better. She’s been open with me as a result.
  • Approaching three months porn and masturbation free. It’s really tough especially when she is not into sex
  • I would discuss it if she ever asked/wanted to talk about it.
  • Seems fundamental to trust to keep no secrets…
  • She will not discuss her past sexual history…so we can’t talk…without that history. It makes it much more difficult communicate about what we like and where we want to go in bed…..
  • I told my wife my struggles, and have left this as an open area. I have shared in my men’s ministry and have accountability partners as well.
  • Wife says that she has no desires or fantasies at all and does not want to hear mine. Sadly.
  • She doesn’t ask about prior to marriage or current struggles. I would tell her more about the past, for sure, and even the MB. I fall to porn temptation about once every 2 months. She knows about my struggles before marriage and that addiction. I’d rather not reintroduce those insecurities it gave her early in our marriage since it’s not habitual and I grieve afterwards. I would lie or downplay about it.
  • On and off, masturbation was an area of “somewhat secret” (no porn or mental sin), but God continues to move me out of that area. It has required changes in both me and my wife to make that possible and to make it sustainable.
  • The net has made porn so easily accessible. It’s a constant fight some days, others not so much.
  • Occasional struggle with porn but has gotten much better the more I line myself up with God’s desires for me.
  • Masturbation throughout 20 years of marriage, that she is oblivious to.
  • Sexless marriage for over 2 years
  • We have a good sex life, but my spouse is much more vanilla then I am and I feel I’m unable to share things that I would enjoy.
  • I recently came clean with my porn struggle. My wife was disappointed but not mad or hurt. she understood that I never compare her to them, and I despise myself for even being tempted. But she knows I am getting help at church for this and knows that this started when I was abused at 3 years old and I was always too curious after that. In fact my abuse caused me to feel sex was dirty and it took a couple years of marriage to fully work out that my drive is normal and ok. And that sex is a great gift from God and that the abuse was not my fault and am not a bad person because of it. It was websites like yours that helped me significantly during this and continue to do so. Thank you.
  • I suspect she is keeping many secrets about before we met unfortunately. But I’ve tried to be very open. I have found that she’s not very interested in knowing what I did before marriage. But she was my first.
  • I’m kind of secretive about how many marriage intimacy blogs and posts I read. Not because I’m getting anything shameful from reading them, but because she would be bothered by all of it. She knows I read blogs about marriage improvement and that it touches on sex, but she’s insisted we’re doing fine in that department and doesn’t think we need the counsel. I just hope by improving what I can control that she’ll open up someday and we can make more progress.
  • Struggling with homosexual thoughts and porn.

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