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Any Sex Secrets?

61 women and 176 men have answered

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A word on wording: One comment read, in part “A big potential area for skew in your results is your use of the word "lying" to categorize secret keeping.”

I would argue any secret is a lie, but the comment is correct about how the word “lying” can skew the results. Rather than “including lying about…..” I should have said “including not fully disclosing…”

© surveymonkey.com

 

  • Half of men and a quarter of women have not fully disclosed to their spouse their sexuality prior to marriage.
  • Masturbation is the most common area of secrets with 31% of men and 15% of women not sharing all the details with their spouse.
  • For men porn is the second most common area of secrets at 29%. Only 3% of women have secrets about porn.
  • For women the second most common area of secrets was their fantasy life. 10% of women and 20% of men did not fully disclose on this.
  • Nothing else exceeded 10% for either gender.

sex-secrets-2

  • 66% of men and 56% of women are keeping secrets about their sex life since they married.
  • Both men and women are more likely to be keeping post marriage secrets. For men the increase was small, for women it was more than double.
  • For men porn use is the biggest area of lying, at 47%. Additionally 16% of women are lying about porn use.
  • Masturbation is the second biggest area of secrets for men, at 39%. Masturbation is tied for most common secret for women, at 28%.
  • Fantasy is women’s other top secret, and men’s third most common, with 33% of men and 28% of women keeping secrets in this area.
  • Faking orgasm is more an issue for women, at 16% versus 3% of men.
  • Pretending to enjoy a sex act is also more common for women, 13% versus 3% of men.
  • Men are more likely to be hiding heterosexual adultery, 7% to 3% of women.
  • Women are slightly more likely to be hiding homosexual adultery, at 2% versus 1%.

 

Women’s Comments:

  • I call a spade a spade and don't like secrets!
  • I wasn't sure whether to mark yes or no to that last one on keeping secrets. I'm not actively hiding anything, but I don't volunteer that I masturbate from time to time because my sex drive is so much higher than his. I'm not dissatisfied with our sexual intimacy, and I far prefer being with him, but my tension gets high and I just need a release sometimes. Telling him that would likely make him feel like he's not enough -- but to me, he really is.
  • I kept my fantasy and masturbation habits a secret from my husband for over 20 years. I regret sharing, it only caused more problems. Some things are better left unsaid.
  • I'm a pretty honest person, sometimes to a fault. When I started reading on your site, I asked my husband if he had ever had a lap dance. He lied and said "no." Later, it came out that he had. I was devastated! He admitted it was when we had first started dating and he was at a club with his coworkers. It broke my heart. First, that he would lie, and secondly, that I was never good enough for him, even at such a young age. Plus, I'd been practicing my own private dance for him, as a special gift, that I can now never give to him. He's already experienced it, and I'm sure the pros are much sexier and better at it than I could ever be. I have no desire to compete with that. It broke my heart. I have forgiven him the actual act, as we were very young and both unsaved at the time, but I will never forget the act, the lie, or the fact he felt I wasn't enough for him. He has said he didn't even enjoy it and the guys from work bought it and kind of pressured him, but I think we all know that's a big fat lie, too. No man has ever done such a thing and not enjoyed it. They wouldn't hurt their wives and girlfriends so deeply if they truly loved them - especially for something they didn't enjoy. If he didn't think it was a big deal, why would he keep it a secret for almost 20 years? Just discussing it makes me feel sad, ugly, and worthless. I'm glad I found out before I danced for him and made a complete fool out of myself. He says he's sad that I've decided not to give him my gift, but he has to say that to make me feel better and so, I don't believe a word of it.
  • I was a virgin when I married and committed to sexual purity then and now. My spouse was open about his past sexual encounters prior to his salvation. I did not ask for details, but was told whatever I wanted to know. It honestly did not bother me because it was his old self before his new life in Christ. He had maintained his sexual purity after his salvation. I actually felt sorry for the girls because they had the chance to marry such a great guy and missed out.
  • I know my husband has been keeping secrets from me. Specifically porn use both before and during marriage, masturbation, and heterosexual adultery. We have been working through these and I pray there are no longer any secrets on his behalf but my trust level is pretty low.
  • A year of marriage and I do not believe we have actually had PIV sex. He tells me we have. I don't argue with him about it.
  • Oral Sex isn't always the easiest for me to give but I love my husband and it's not totally uncomfortable so I just act like I like it because he feels very loved when I do it and because he reciprocates to me so it's only fair.
  • I really do not know if sharing about your past sexual failure before you were married is the right thing to do. I guess I say that because I did and was made to pay for it off and on during marriage, with my husband never asking for forgiveness later. Is makes me feel like I am soooo beneath him. Maybe it is part of the consequences of my past sin that I have to live with? It makes me feel like it would have been better if I married someone who failed like me! Also when I became a believer at 21 years of age I was under the impression that I should clear my conscience with my parents, which I did. Why do I get from these people reminders that they know and somehow hold it over me? Seriously, I am forgiven from my Heavenly Father, but these family sinners of mine like to use it sometimes, and I just wonder if I would have been better off not telling them anything!!!
  • Have done this earlier in the marriage. Not so much now. Mostly because my husband was very concerned about rocking my world every time. He didn't understand that being physically close was enough for me on occasion. As we have gotten older & been married longer, the connection & sex keeps getting better.
  • My only secret is that a previous boyfriend was a much better lover (knowing how to get me to orgasm) than my husband. But, I know that my husband does try sometimes to please me. You would think that over the decades, he would be a student of me. I do things that he enjoys. I just wish there was more of that, only towards me. My secret is that I will never disappoint him by telling him this information. Never. It could only bring harm. I need to be content. So, there is my secret, now broad-cast on the internet, anonymously.
  • It's not really keeping secrets; my husband is just not that interested. If I bring something up, he just acts like I didn't say anything, so I've quit bringing things up.
  • I don't know what's really considered "secrets" I have shared general things, but I haven't always gotten into details or share how recently or currently I may be struggling with things. I tend to share after the fact.
  • I'm not so much keeping them a secret as he doesn't want to hear about it. To him, so long as it is in the past and not affecting us now, why dig up the stinky, rotting corpse. We both used porn in the past. I have fantasies that he doesn't want to hear about. And I masturbate a lot more than he thinks I do, but he had told me to masturbate and leave him alone rather than coming to him and expecting to be taken care of sexually every time I get the urge because it is more often than he wants sex and he doesn't want to provide the effort to bring me to orgasm. So, it isn't so much a secret as an, "I just don't care/want to know about it" issue.
  • I masturbate much more regularly than I would ever admit. There are also multiple fantasies that I have that I wouldn't share with my husband for fear of hurting him and actually inhibiting our sex life in the future.
  • We confessed to each other a couple of years ago about masturbation and porn use before we were married, but I think he thinks I don't still struggle with it and I do.

 

Men’s Comments:

  • Not that I didn't have secrets, When we came clean about ten years ago, our relationship, including sex got a WHOLE LOT BETTER. NO MORE SECRETS PEOPLE!
  • It is hard enough to get her to be interested in normal sex. Normal fantasies might blow her up. Even my adult son mentioned that he and his wife like oral sex. When I finally tell her it will be difficult.
  • I go to an Asian Massage Parlor once or twice a month to fill in the large gaps in our sex life. My wife has sex with me once a month, and only if I ask for it. Secretly going outside for a little fun makes me feel better, and not as resentful of being trapped in a nearly sexless marriage. My marriage relationship has improved because I have lessened my need for sex with my wife, even though I would rather have her.
  • I know about her adultery.
  • I look at porn and masturbate when I go to the bathroom early in the morning while she is still asleep. Of course, she has never asked me about it because I'm just "using the bathroom". I know this is wrong and need help. Any suggestions?
  • My answer would have been different when we were first married. I've confessed my porn addiction and am in recovery. Our relationship has never been better as a direct result. Long and painful process.
  • Two years ago I was confronted by my wife about porn found (some of it same sex) on my computer history. Since then it's been a long and painful journey of facing my past and committing to overcoming an addiction that's been around for more than 3 decades. A lot of secrets have come out and feels better they're finally getting light shone on them. Not easy, but better.
  • No surprise here.......
  • Part of sex I believe involves building endurance and strength which requires being engaged in the act of sex even when I'm not so into it emotionally. So that when we are in a passionate emotional mode of making love my physical body will be available to respond more readily because of the "training" sex that we have had up to that point. The analogy is with sports. Athletes train and practice so much to be ready so that when the "real" game comes they are able to perform at the required level. This is important especially at my stage in life. [This man’s current secret is his fantasy life]
  • Nearly Sexless marriage for 24 years and nothing in last 3 years, and I just don't care or even desire her anymore.
  • While I haven't given every detail to my wife about my sexual sins both prior to and since we've been married, she knows the things I've done.
  • We have both been divorced after long marriages. We have both had intimate partners since our divorces. She has asked about mine and I have asked about hers. I have been honest with her without sharing intimate details. I assume she has been honest with me. We enjoy mutually satisfying sex and are very open about sharing our likes and dislikes. Lovemaking with her is everything I have ever hoped for and our love grows deeper and stronger every day (we are getting married on August 12). My question is, how much info is too much info. I tell her often how much I appreciate her lovemaking. I have a longing to know how I measure up with her past partners, but fear her answer may leave me feeling inadequate and that I'm short hanging her. She has only experienced orgasm a couple times via intercourse and I'm at a loss as to how to change that. I have experienced climax with her more than any other partners I have been with.
  • She doesn't ask and I don't offer up. She caught me in porn use before marriage, and she knows it is a temptation. But I nearly never do it anymore. However, I masturbate a couple times a week to get by.
  • Porn use mainly when I'm lonely, and allow myself to slip - sex has been a major issue in my 33 year old marriage since day 1, and multiple counselors over the years have made little difference. The current counselor has helped, fortunately. The more sex we have, the less I'm tempted to look at porn, and the less I masturbate. It's a very simple equation.
  • I'm not sure of the intent of Q5. I get the impression that you feel that secrets are bad. However, I don't feel it's necessary or even beneficial for my spouse to know ALL of the details about my sexual past prior to when we got married.
  • I never lie. It's just never discussed. Any discussion on sex is quickly dismissed by her. Sex is duty sex in our marriage. We do it 4-6 times a month, but she has no interest in her pleasure. She stops all foreplay and "begs" me to do it now.
  • I have confessed and She knows I struggle with this but I still fall and I don't tell her every time because of the shame and pain.
  • I know you're not presenting these surveys as rigorously scientific. For their intended purpose, they're fine. But sometimes… [sigh]. A big potential area for skew in your results is your use of the word "lying" to categorize secret keeping. This creates an inference that secret keeping must always be deceitful. This may rankle Christian sensibilities about openness and total honesty in marriage. It does not mean "lying". It also creates an inference that secrets "should" be shared. There are a lot of secrets that are simply things not discussed. A spouse might be willing to discuss it or willing to answer honestly if asked directly. But for cultural or other reasons, you choose to not discuss. For instance, masturbation in marriage as a coping strategy for a wife's illness. What if she's not interested in the frequency? Not telling her (especially if doing so would shield her from guilty feelings for not being able to have intercourse) is not lying. It can be loving. By your categories, it's a secret. It's not deceitful or done with intent to hurt. What about Asian cultures (my wife's) where shame makes the Western ideal of openness extremely difficult. To demand total openness (especially about stuff before marriage or before becoming a Christian) forces the spouse into a shameful position. That would be perceived as very unloving by the one demanding to know the secret. Secrets are not necessarily bad, deceitful, hurtful, or unloving. It can be a multi-layered thing. Anyway, I apologize for criticism. I know these are non-scientific, intended for general interest and discussion only, and are never presented as scientific. They are kind fun to do, honestly. Sorry...
  • The hurt from her past lack of intimacy and my frustration with lack of foreplay
  • I sext other married women due to lack of sex

 

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