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WHAT TO DO WITH A VIBRATOR

Paul H. Byerly

So, you’re thinking about trying a vibrator ... but you’re not sure what to get, or what to do with it when you have it. Below are a few ideas to get you started. Since everyone is different, use this as a starting place to discover what works best with your spouse. (Note: We see a vibrator as one more way that a couple can enjoy the gift of sex. For more on that, see the "What's Okay, What's Not?" article.)

What to buy:

egg vibe © A PHRODISI ABefore we get to how, let's discuss what. If you have not already purchased a vibrator, our suggestion would be a bullet or egg vibrator with a soft covering. These vibrators are powerful, quiet, versatile, and inexpensive. To buy on-line, check our shopping links page (items shown link to Amazon). If the vibrator becomes a regular part of your love play, you might want to get some rechargeable batteries. You will also want to have a spare/charged set handy - dying batteries can be an inconvenience!

Concerns:

Some couples have concerns about adding a vibrator to their sex lives. He may be afraid she will start to “like it more than me" and she may be concerned it will be impersonal and cold. These fears are normal, but unfounded. Talk about any such worries, and keep open communication about them as you explore. Realise that for women sex is relational – no device is ever going to please her the way a loving husband will. If a woman chooses a vibe over her husband the problem is almost certainly not sexual; it shows a relationship problem.

A couple may be afraid that the vibrator will become the focus of their sex, and mean less intercourse. In reality, a vibrator often means more sex. Most women find orgasm takes a certain amount of time and energy, even when they feel sexual desire. If a woman doesn't feel she has the time and/or energy necessary to have an orgasm, she may shy away from sex, or choose to have sex "just for him." Because a vibrator can make orgasm faster and easier (but not necessarily better), a woman may choose to have sex, or to have sex for both of them, when she would have said no before having a vibrator. The vibrator can be a back-up - the woman is able to have sex because she knows her husband can use the vibrator if need be. Sometimes once she gets going she has no need or interest in the vibrator - but knowing it was there made it easier for her to start.

Finally, some folks are afraid that the woman will become "addicted" to the vibrator, and unable to orgasm without it. Despite years of warnings about this from some, it does not happen. Some couples use a vibrator to give the wife her first ever orgasm, and then use what they learned from that to give her orgasms in other ways. If it were addictive, it could not be the starting place for learning to orgasm in other ways. We have talked to couples who have used a vibrator for a decade or more, and several of the women feel they are now more orgasmic without the vibrator than before they started to use it.

Using a vibrator on her:

willing-womamIf you are lying side by side with her (which will be emotionally preferable for some women, especially at first) place it between her labia, over or near the clitoris, with your hand cupped over the vibrator. Start with the speed low so as not to over stimulate her. You can gradually turn the speed up as she approaches orgasm - but be aware that turning it up too fast or too high may be a problem for her. Some women will want full speed well before orgasm; others may never want more than half speed. You can push your hand, and the vibrator, slightly into her and hold, or push and release repeatedly. You can also move your hand very slightly up and down (parallel to her labia), or left and right, or in small circles. Try various things and see how she reacts. Be aware of her body movements, especially any thrusting or other movement of the pelvis. If she has a rhythm going, figure out how to work with it. The movements will likely intensify and speed up as she approaches orgasm, so stay aware of her body.

You have to figure out what to do as and after she climaxes. Cut back stimulation too soon and you will rob her of the full potential of her orgasm. A small percentage of women get hypersensitive the way most men do - if she is one of these you will need to back off before or as she finishes. Back off by turning the speed down, then off, rather than breaking contact with her body. Be sure to lie still and hold her after she climaxes.

If she can have and wants multiple orgasms, you will need to learn how to make the transition from one to the next. Most likely, she will want a reduction of stimulation as she finished each orgasm. If she has never had multiples, but wants to try, a vibrator is a great way to learn - let her guide you by telling you what she needs, or by placing her hand over yours to guide you.

The husband can also sit or lie between her legs to pleasure her. This gives him two hands to work with, better access... and a nice view. Some lubricant is good here, either hers or artificial. Apply the lube to her clitoris and the surrounding area. Hold the vibrator between thumb and forefinger, or with thumb and two fingers like a fat pencil, so you can use the tip on her. Your other hand can be used to better expose her vulva, or later to add some penetration. The clitoris is very sensitive, so don't start there - start with the outer edge of the outer labia and work inward slowly. Again, you want to start with a low speed and increase as she becomes more aroused. Each woman varies - some will be able to take or will want direct stimulation of the clitoris, others will not. The aroused vulva is like a full motion waterbed, any vibrations applied to any part are felt throughout. Experiment with her outer labia, her inner labia, and the clitoris. Try up and down strokes and circles of varying size. Try moving down with a firm stroke and up with a light stroke, then try the reverse. If she is too sensitive to take direct stimulation of the clitoris, you can do this to one side. Try an upside down "U" - up one side, over the top, and down the other side - then reverse. When she is well aroused, try adding some penetration. Most women have stronger orgasms if the PC muscles have something to "grab," and for some women the difference is significant. Start with one finger; try two or three if she seems to enjoy it. You can try thrusting, but don't get carried away, your fingers are a lot harder, and have less give, than your penis, and you can easily leave her sore. You can also put in one or two fingers palm up (or insert palm down and then turn your hand over) so that your fingertips are on her G-spot. A "come hither" motion will then stimulate the G-spot. If you do this before she is well aroused it may just cause her to feel a need to urinate - if you get her good and aroused and then start gradually you should be able to avoid this. Some women will go wild for this, some will not even feel it, a few will find it displeasing, and most will get a slight boost in enjoyment and orgasm out of it. Again, watch for her rhythm and work with it. Be aware of how she responds during climax, and reduce stimulation as needed. When she is done lay beside her and hug... or make love to her.

Using a vibrator on him:

While a vibrator is stimulating when used on a man, it's much less so than for a woman. He will probably want a faster speed from the start. A light touch is unlikely to be the best - firmly pressing the vibrator to the penis will be more stimulating. Use a lubricant and focus on the head, especially the underside. Try moving the vibrator in small circles or in small back and forth strokes. You may or may not be able to cause him to climax with the vibrator alone - if not, try using it as a part of manual or oral play or as foreplay for intercourse.

The other way to use the vibrator for his enjoyment is to have him watch you use it on yourself. Most men find this extremely arousing, and it can also be very instructive for them.

Using a vibrator during intercourse:

ring vibe © California ExoticsYou can slip an egg or bullet vibe between your bodies in just about any face-to-face position. You want it between her outer labia, over the clitoris. In this location, the women will feel the vibrator directly, and the man will feel it indirectly. The way the couple moves will change how strongly the vibrator stimulates the women. Adjust the speed to something comfortable for her. You can buy special ring vibrators made for sex this way - the ring goes around the base of the penis, and holds the vibrator in place against the man's body just above the penis.

In a few positions, the husband can use the vibrator on his wife's clitoris during intercourse. Most rear entry positions allow this, as well as "spoons" (both on their sides, husband behind wife) and some sitting positions. The husband can use the vibrator as he thrusts, or he can lay still and use it. These techniques may be of use to couples where the woman finds it difficult to orgasm during intercourse, or the man suffers from premature ejaculation.

It is also possible for the woman to apply the vibrator to herself in some positions. Some men will be uncomfortable with this, and some women won't want to do it. It's a matter of what the couple finds acceptable and mutually enjoyable.

Now have fun:

We've shared some general suggestions about how you might bring a vibrator into play in the bedroom, but please realize that everyone is quite individual in their likes and dislikes. Don't be afraid to do something that doesn't work along the path to finding something that does work. Play and experiment to find ways of using a vibe that both of you enjoy.

 

Image Credits in order shown: © A PHRODISI A
© Auremar | dreamstime.com © California Exotics

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