To singles …
… what you are doing now will effect your married sexuality, either for good or bad. What you do or don’t do can make the difference between a wonderful, happy marriage and a marriage with regrets and problems.
A little groundwork …
God is very cool. He’s worth getting to know. He is love. He is truth. He is holy. He’s a lot of great stuff. He’s also the source for real wisdom and when He talks, He’s worth listening to.
God inspired people to write the stuff that became our Bible. His character shows through those writings and His commands show us a bit of His heart and wisdom. When God asks us to do something or not do something, it’s because there’s truth and wisdom in it. And given that God is love and wants to bless us, there are usually good reasons for His direction, blessings for following His direction, and harm that follows when you don’t follow His direction.
When I read the scriptures I hear God telling us to save sex for the committed covenant relationship of marriage. He calls anything we do sexually with people other than our spouse ~ sexual sin. I think most of us know that, but sex feels so good that we tend to want to fudge the rules.
Now for the rough stuff (in no particular order) …
- Premarital sex brings on the guilt. Whether you want to make it about cultural morays or legitimate guilt for breaking God’s commands, guilt is a common problem that creates a wedge of blame and shame between spouses.
- Premarital sex with other partners creates a variety of sexual experience. Some may see this as a plus but in real life it’s not. Your spouse may not do things the way a past lover did and then you have frustration and dissatisfaction. You have sexual memories that pop up at inopportune times. There can be jealousy over past relationships or fears over comparisons to past lovers. You don’t need to be an experienced lover to please your spouse. You can learn to be a great lover after marriage. Think of it as on the job training. 😉
- Premarital sex opens the door to disease. I’m sure we’ve all heard this spiel and we tend to get glassy eyed because we’ve heard it so often … but, y’all this is serious stuff. Do a Google search on STDs. I’m telling you, there is some scary stuff out there. You are taking serious risks with your health, your reproductive health (you want to have kids someday?), and even your life.
- Premarital sex opens the door to greater heartbreak. I know many of you feel you are in love with “the one.” You want the real truth? They are not “the one” until you say “I do.” There are any number of things that can happen between making love because you are going to get married anyway and walking down the aisle. If you give yourself to the one you love and then break up before the “I do” you will have a broken heart and will have given yourself to someone that you will never marry. How’s that sound?
- Premarital sex is not like marital sex. No kidding. There is a certain “naughtiness” and excitement about premarital sex. That “naughtiness” backfires after marriage. People tend to back away from it to have “good married sex.” The problem is that they’ve already done everything and it’s already been labeled “naughty.” Talk about frustration. It feels like bait and switch and can take some real unlearning to make sexual things ok for marriage. If you wait for marriage that sexual excitement becomes a part of married sex instead of being the “naughty stuff” you did before marriage.”
- You lose the specialness of first sex on your wedding night. When you have sex before marriage there is nothing really special to look forward to after marriage. It’s like opening all your Christmas presents a week before Christmas and when Christmas rolls around there is a real let down because there are no presents to open.
- And then there are the kids. Now don’t be shocked. When you have sex ……. drumroll ……. you can produce a child! A living breathing human being that doesn’t have anything to say about the circumstances of its birth. I’d like to think that every child deserves the best possible chance at having a good life and that means being born into a home with a mom and dad who will love and want that child. Premarital sex can mean a child born with a shadow over its head. Did Mom and Dad marry because of me? And, of course, not all unmarried parents choose to get married and the child has to deal with the deep pain of rejection from a parent and often the financial and emotional lack in a one parent household. A child conceived can also put pressure on the mother to abort. Thinking about it causes guilt and shame, and doing it produces profound guilt, shame, and ongoing grief. You have to live with the knowledge that there is a little one who never had the chance to play with mud and chase fireflies. You’ll wonder what they would have looked like and what they would have grown up to be. Please don’t go there.
Premarital sex makes sex less important than God designed it to be. Sex is the unique union between a man and woman that makes them one. God designed that to happen after you have exchanged vows before friends and family and made it plain that you are a couple for life. Anything less, is a hollow sham of what God designed it to be.
Now for the good stuff …
When you wait to have sex in marriage, you’ll feel respected and honored. You won’t have to deal with guilt or shame. You won’t have to worry about sexual comparisons or disease. You won’t have to worry about being used and left (you are committed for life). You will be starting a wonderful adventure together. You will have something special to share and you have a life time to learn to please each other. Children born will have a fighting chance at a good life with loving parents and you will have the satisfaction of pleasing a loving God by following His directions and commands.
Sounds good to me.
One more thing …
What is sex? I think anything that results in orgasm would qualify. I personally think that anything that causes significant arousal needs to wait for marriage too. That kind of play leads too easily to sex and would fall into the “if I do this and we don’t marry, I will feel used and defrauded” category. Biologically speaking anything that causes arousal releases bonding chemicals in your bloodstream. How bonded do you want to be before you say “I do”?
I hope I’ve given you something to think about. I’m not just some uptight old lady trying to ruin your fun. I’m someone who has listened to the pain and anguish of too many married folk who played around before marriage and got burned. I’d love to spare you from that grief by warning you and giving you a few reasons to wait.
I know it will make you unpopular in some ways if you say no to sex before marriage. I know you won’t get some dates and you may even lose a current boyfriend/girlfriend. Some folks may tease you and some may even get downright rude. I guess it comes down to what is really important to you and what you want for your life. I’m hoping that you think it’s important enough to make those hard choices, to find those friends who won’t laugh at your choices, and eventually find that spouse who will love you for those choices.
Image Credit: © Olga Dmitrieva | dreamstime.com