Paul and Lori Byerly
This article was written primarily by Paul; it's a male look at how men view sex, and it's rather blunt. So buckle up and hang on!
It is becoming increasingly common to hear of women who want sex more often than their husband does. In part, this is the result of a greater willingness to speak up about the problem, but there are other factors at play. Due to things ranging from stress to obesity to internet porn, a growing number of men are less interested in sex, less able to have sex, or unable to be aroused by their wife as they should.
There is one other cause of these problems that needs to be noted before we move on. If there is a significant ongoing problem between you and your husband, this can also harm his desire/ability to be sexual with you. Hurt feelings may continue even after something is resolved or buried, so past problems could be an issue too. If he feels you take him for grated, don't respect him, or expect unreasonable things from him, his sexual interest in you will be effected. If any of these are at play, the ideas here are a bandage on a lost limb – deal with the problem first, and then apply the ideas here if his sex drive does not return.
The reasons for a lack of male sex drive are many, and a checklist of sorts can be found in our Lack of Desire article. The purpose of this article is to give frustrated wives some practical ideas that may help them entice their husband to have more sex. If your husband is afraid that his sex drive makes him a monster, suffers from sexual guilt, or is concerned you don't really want or enjoy sex, these suggestions should either get him past his hang up, or create a crisis that will bring the hang-up to light. If your husband is suffering from a low sex drive, or is just too busy, these ideas may be effective. If your husband has fed on porn to the point he can’t be aroused by a real woman (any real woman, not just you), these ideas will likely not be of much help.
If these ideas don't help, you may have a serious problem, and it's probably time to seek help. Please note that sexual problems can be a warning sign of significant health issues; his primary care doctor needs to know about any change in desire or sexual function – it could literally save his life.
Because men have a wide variety of likes and dislikes, and a wide variety of sexual baggage, you should pick and choose from the things suggested here. However, don't assume you know what he will like, and don't assume his first reaction to something reveals his true feelings. If you want to precipitate a change, you're going to have to be bold and take some risks.
The male brain is wired a certain way when it comes to sex, and regardless of how strong or weak a man's drive is, his basic sexual wiring is the same. In a nutshell men like to see sex organs (breasts and genitals), and like to see those parts doing something. Men also like variety. The idea here is for a woman to learn how to use these things to arouse her husband.
Before we start, you need to ditch any worries you have about not looking good, or being able to arouse your husband visually. First, realize that most women are far more attractive than they think. Second, realize that most men are not as into sexual perfection as you think. The looks of the average centrefold or porn star are icing on a cardboard cake. If you are going to look at a two dimensional image of something you can't have, you care about every little detail; but when you are having real sex with a real woman those things are not important. Third, realize that men are practical, the wife you have is better than the woman you don't have. To be blunt ladies, it's not what you've got, it's how you use and display what you've got. A woman who is overweight, flat as a board, or otherwise not up to some worldly standard of sexy, can easily drive her husband crazy with lust (it's okay for him to lust for you) if she knows how to do it. The biggest block to making this work is worrying about looking or acting silly. You have nothing to lose, so abandon shame and embarrassment, get in there, and turn your man on!
Don't wait until you want sex to start turning him on. For men arousal is a cumulative thing. Get a man turned on then walk away, and his conscious awareness of his arousal will fade, but his body and his mind have been primed. The next time he is aroused the response will be faster and stronger. Plan ahead, and work him up off and on over time rather than trying to get him going all at once.
All that said, here are a number of ideas. In some sections, I have listed a number of similar ideas to try to help you understand how his mind works. Once you understand his sexual mind, you will be able to come up with your own ideas.
Nudity, hints of nudity, and making him think about your sexuality are good ways to prime the pump before you get him to bed. Some ideas to get you started:
At home, you can be even more direct, especially if you have no kids around. Even if you have kids, you can find a moment here or there.
What you say affect him. No doubt these sound corny to you, but try some and see what happens. By the way, most men are grabbed by "slang" terms, so if you don't have a problem using them in their sexual way, try it.
His penis is the centre of his sexuality, so go there if you can.
Wear socks if you must, but be sure he gets as much naked skin as possible. Wear something sexy to bed, and then remove it in his sight. Do this every night, not just when you want sex - you are building arousal.
Did you know 98.4% of men would like to see their wife masturbate? Moreover, the other 1.6% want to, but are too guilty to admit it. Okay, I made those statistics up, but the fact is watching a woman masturbate is extremely arousing to virtually every man. Even pretending to do it will get him turned on. So abandon self-consciousness and go for it. You can "play with yourself" a bit to turn him on during the day, or you can go at it more seriously to get him to want sex right then. Once you have his attention, ask if you should finish or let him join in. There is a good chance he will want to watch you masturbate to orgasm, but even that will work for you, as it will get him aroused for then and/or later.
Capture your lovemaking on media. One sexually frustrated wife who tried this reported that hubby wanted to watch it right after it was made, and this resulted in them having sex a second time - something that had not happened in many, many years. You could also make a video of yourself masturbating, or better yet ask him to be your cameraman for such a video.
Most of us would get bored if we ate the very same thing day after day - no matter how good it was or how much we initially enjoyed it. Sex is the same way for most men. Adding variety is not really difficult, once you get your mind out of any ruts.
Don't ask if he wants or will have sex, just start doing it. Get your hand between his legs and see if you can cause an erection. Keep going once he is erect until you think he is getting fairly horny, then climb on top of him and enjoy yourself. Starting the process with your mouth may work even better. Try catching him as he gets out of the shower - kneel in front of him and use your hands and mouth to get him so aroused he asks you to make love.
If you think he often feels "pressured" about sex try using your hands or mouth to give him a "no strings" orgasm - meaning you don't ask him to do anything for you afterwards (you could ask him if he minds you masturbating next to him afterwards if you like). This is a more long-term thing, as you are working to change his mind set.
Convince him his drive and desires are okay with you and God: It is shockingly common for a man to worry that his drive is too strong (he wants sex too often) or too kinky (anything other than missionary in the dark). This creates a powerful dilemma for a man - each time he has sex he is trying to restrain his natural (and God given) drive and desires. He cannot enjoy when he is worried and holding back, and he may come to dread sex for fear of “losing control” doing something wrong.
There are two separate issues here: his fear that what he wants is wrong before God, and his fear that you will be hurt, offended, or angry by what he wants. Usually the problem is a combination of the two, but for most men the concern about their wife is greater. If this dilemma is limiting your husband sexually, your job is to convince him that his drive and desires are good, holy, and not offensive to you. It is possible he wants something that is outside of what God allows, but in reality, God's boundaries for sex in marriage are very broad, and the odds are he does not want something sinful. Getting past this problem is likely to take some time, especially if he has been fighting it a long time. He will need to hear repeatedly that it's okay, that you are not offended by his sexuality, and that you do not think what he wants is wrong.
Start by praising his sexuality. Tell him how much you enjoy his body, and specifically his sex organs. Tell him how good it feels when he is inside you, and how he fulfils you and makes you feel like a woman when he makes love with you. During both foreplay and intercourse be sure to be vocal and active yourself - showing him you really like it may help him let go. Tell him you want to fulfil his sexual wants and desires completely. When he is having sex with you encourage him to let go - say things like "harder", "faster" or "let go". As he is about to climax, "command" him to orgasm in explicit slang terms.
Ask him to let you watch him masturbate. If he sees his sexuality as ugly or dangerous, this is likely to be very difficult for him. If he can do it and see that you don't hate him for it, it may help him a great deal. Be sure to tell him you enjoyed it, and that it turned you on. If he starts but cannot bring himself to finish, take over for him.
Talk to him about what you want; about wanting more sex, and about having more variety. Be specific and graphic. Try to find out what he might like by suggesting you want to try things. If you have never tried oral sex, tell him you really want to use your mouth on his penis. If you get any hint he likes the idea, ask specifically if you can do it the next time you have sex; or just do it without asking. Try writing a sexual story about the two of you, and introduce some things you want or think he would like. If you write from the first person perspective, you can communicate your thoughts about his sexuality, how sex feels to you, and how much you enjoy sex with him.
If he thinks he is protecting you, showing him you are sexual will help. Many of the ideas above will help convince him that you are not the uptight sexually limited woman he has imagined. Use of slang terms, if you do not have a problem with them, may really help him because they break the "good girl" image. Openly and graphically asking for sex, or describing what you would like sexually, will also help change his understanding of you. What you wear, especially underwear and what you wear just in front of him will also alter how he sees you sexually. Writing a sexual story with your thoughts and desires clearly spelled out is a very good way to challenge his view of your sexuality.
If you regularly rejected his sexual advances in the past, this may be a major factor in his lack of interest now. Maybe it's retaliation, but it's more likely he's put his sexual energies into something else (work or hobby) and is not interested in changing. He might be afraid you will lose interest again, and then he would get hurt all over. Maybe he just got so burned out by sexual rejection that his sex drive has faded. He may still have a good drive, but it masturbating as it seems safer. Regardless of what and why, if you refused him in the past, you need to deal with the injury that caused him – a pain you now understand.
Try these ideas, and your own, gradually, and be sure to look and listen for feedback. If something does not result in him wanting sex, does it arouse him? If he is not getting an erection, that means something different than if he gets an erection and still rejects sex. Does he say what you are doing is silly, gross, or wrong, but keeps watching? Even if your attempts do not result in sex, they may give you information that will help you discover the reason he is saying no.
Finally, there is nothing wrong with you for wanting sex. Some men try to cover their problem by telling their wife she is bad or ungodly for wanting sex. Nothing could be further from the truth. Aside from the fact that Paul commands men to take care of their wives sexually in 1 Cor 7, consider this passage in which Paul is instructing Timothy about which women to add to the list of those who the church supports:
“Let a widow be enrolled if she is not less than sixty years of age ... But refuse to enroll younger widows, for when their passions draw them away from Christ, they desire to marry ...” [1 Tim 5:9a & 11 ESV]
Paul is saying here that women under the age of sixty will have sexual desires that will cause them to desire to marry even if they have taken a pledge to devote themselves to full time service to God. Paul is of the opinion that a fifty year old woman who has known the joy and pleasure of sex will be strongly motivated to remarry and experience sex again! That is hardly a condemnation of a strong female sex drive! God gave you the desire you feel, and He intended you and your husband to enjoy sex often.
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